The feelings back, but I'm not sure why?

[Marie1991]

I havent posted on here for a long time now which in a way is good  $%$ For those who have read my previous posts....I finally got away from my mum! And have for a month now. The biggest change I noticed was that the first night I was away from her I went to bed and slept the whole night through, didnt wake up once until the morning. I felt so re-freshed! The final straw happened when I went back to the house after spending 3 weeks with my boyfriend and his family for Christmas and new years. She asked me why I came back... she said things were so much better when I wasnt there. Which really meant, everything can go her way because her husband hasnt got the back bone to say anything whereas I have. I thought I'd come out with some home truths because that really was the point where I couldnt tip toe and let her drag me down anymore, my stepdad sat there and didnt say a word because he knew everything I was saying was the truth. In the end he finally pipped up and said ''This isnt helping'' so again the real issue was avoided...

I am now living with my boyfriends parents up until the summer when we can affored to rent our own place. I foolishly tried to reach out to my mum, but she didnt take any notice at all and that hurt- but I should know better.

Past few days I've been waking up with that deep sad feeling in my chest, and I don't know why. Like any other person I am struggling a little with getting a job in the area I am now living in, its only been a month so I still have hope however my motivation has slipped a little. These things happen in life though but I dont understand why this feeling is back. Is it because no family memeber has contacted to see if I'm ok? Not one of them have bothered, and that does make me feel really sad. They only know her side of it and she has made me out to be such a horrible person, the truth has been completely twisted. Is it because I don't  have a job yet? But every person goes through this challenge at some point. Is it because I hoped it would click in my mums head that she is so in the wrong? But this will never happen..

Eventhough I have the support of my boyfriend and his family have helped me out and really made me feel welcome...I still have this feeling, I feel alone. On a few occasions I have felt angry... Ive been sat there normally watching tv and wanted to throw something or lash out? I'm angry that people dont know the truth I guess. This feeling in my chest is just so horrible, like theres a massive weight on top of me. Just want it to go away...   *^*

[stewart]

Hi Marie,
Sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
Maybe the negative response you got from your mother is a big factor here, family should be the one place everyone can turn to and feel at ease with.

[Sweetpea]

Marie I really feel for you. You must be hurting so much. As Stewart has said your family should be the ones that support and help you. You know the truth and so does your mum. Hopefully you will find a job soon and you can settle.

S x x x x

Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk

[Zaf]

Sometimes depression can hit us at unexpected times, my first breakdown was after I'd had a fantastic day out, no idea why it chose that time but I'd been having a huge amount of stress in the weeks and months before it happened.

Are you seeing a doctor for yor depression?

Z xxx

[Marie1991]

I moved last month to Wales so I'm not registered with a doctor yet. I've tried talking about my feelings but the last time I did that was when I tried telling my mum how I really felt and she didnt care. It knocked me back completely. Im worried and its so typical of me not to really talk to someone personally its not something I do, I'm worried that if I do it will be shrugged off or laughed at. Im used to getting that sort of treatment I guess.

[roadrunner]

I moved last month to Wales so I'm not registered with a doctor yet. I've tried talking about my feelings but the last time I did that was when I tried telling my mum how I really felt and she didnt care. It knocked me back completely. Im worried and its so typical of me not to really talk to someone personally its not something I do, I'm worried that if I do it will be shrugged off or laughed at. Im used to getting that sort of treatment I guess.

Thats how i feel, i can't seem to talk to anyone. Because it's something they can't see as such they think your ok.

[Pip]

Marie, sorry I missed this and I'm glad you managed to move out and have support.   

[Marie1991]

Its great finally being away! Theres so much more to being ''happy'' though. I was so sure that my only issue and reason why I was feeling the way I did was because of that ONE situation but its not. I think I have a long journey until this feeling goes. Ive pushed things to the back of my mind for so many years now that I feel like all these unresolved problems are coming back, making me feel angry more than anything.

[Catbrian]

Hi Marie… It doesn’t sound right to say, “nice to see you back”, but you know what I mean.

I can relate to your relationship with your mother.  Our experiences are very similar.

Reading your posts took me back a few years when the historically bad relationship with my Mum came to a head.  It coincided with my first mental breakdown, which made it all the messier.  We never spoke again for 6-7 years.

Today, our relationship is polite and content with a few texts every now and then.  My MH issues keep everyone at arm’s length.  I suspect, for Mum, this is confusing but suiting.

In my experience, the void of not having a good relationship with our parents can never be filled.   With time, I found it easier to live with.  I also found it easier to accept just how bad the relationship is.  Acceptance is a huge part of the healing process.

It will be good for you to take time out to explore your own feelings without having the situation with your mother clouding the view.  People will not laugh or belittle what you say.  Everyone on the Forum understands and empathises, as will others who you reach out too.

It’s easy and understandable, even justified, to be angry.  Sometimes anger fuels us through our worst moments.  But, it is also very easy for it to be misdirected and can consume our chance to feel happiness and contentment.   I suppose what would disperse some of that pent up anger is to find some work and feel you are moving forward

I imagine it is difficult to find work.  I’m afraid Wales isn’t my most favourite place.  Is there anywhere you can do some voluntary work?  I imagine it being soul destroying to feel you are not progressing.

[Marie1991]

I'm looking for voluntary aswell, nothing about at the moment. Its very frustrating because I just want to go out and do something instead of getting back into the routine of just wanting to sleep and lock myself away. After long periods of time of not going out much I feel as if I want to cry when I go out, I don't know what it is. I just feel scared. I keep going into a zone where I dont want to speak to anyone and I want to be on my own. If I do talk to anyone I will come across short and snappy and seem disinterested. It makes me angry when I act like that because its not me at all. I sometimes feel that I'm taking the space of someone else that actually deserves to be here. Who will do more good. Its so easy to give in to this deep feeling. Im not on any medication and I never have been but Im feeling so weak at the moment and maybe its something I need to consider if its going to make any differance whatsoever. But I don't know if I should rely on medication to make me happy. I'm unsure on what to do. I just dont want this feeling anymore, this isnt me.

[Sweetpea]

 %^% for you. I have found myself that if I do not GI out for a while it gets hard and this has always scared me.  Maybe it would be worthwhile going for a chat with the Dr when you register. Sometimes we need help to get through, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

S x x x x

[Catbrian]

It really sounds like you're suffering depression, Marie, and becoming more withdrawn.  The less we go out mixing with other people, the scarier the outside world seems.  Having no work is soul destroying. I think it would help you move on.  What about doing something at college, even part time or one day/night a week?  I know how important it is for you to feel you are moving forward. 

Medication is a very personal choice.  If you think your situation and mood will improve if you found work, then it might be better to hang off for a while longer to see how things materialise.  Once you start them, there are a whole new set of potential problems with side effects, etc.  However, sometimes depression hits us so hard that it wouldn't really matter what improvements took place, we would still be experiencing depression; that's the time to consider medication.  But, this is only my own personal view.  We are all different.