Running through treacle

[Jayfur]

Sometimes depression feels like that, an almighty effort to haul myself out of my pit.   I rarely stay in it for too long, but it's like walking a parapet, I have to watch my steps or whoops! there I go again, BANG, then rub my bruises and climb back up again.  On the whole I am pretty stable, but if I am tired or hungry or just below par in some way, it doesn't take much to make me slip.  Tonight I realised I had made a silly mistake over something, which I've now rectified, but I happened to mention it to my hubby and he said something not very positive, but instead of letting it go as the throw-away comment it was meant to be, I snapped at him and got all hurt and angry and upset, and then I didn't know how to calm down and let go, so here I am, typing this as a way of trying to do that.  I would be likely to self harm as a 'quick fix' to calming down but this week we are actually away on holiday and I don't have those resources with me to self harm...so here I am, wittering on about how badly done by I am and how everyone should feel sorry for me, what a piece of cr*p I am.   When I get worked up, it exhausts me trying to calm down by 'natural' and safe means.   The tension of being angry/stressed etc is physically painful, I get backache and a headache.  I just want to express myself here, I am tired and fed up, although my depression is manageable it is still exhausting to live in the real world and be happy and 'normal'.   To anyone reading this, don't worry if you can't understand me, I am just droning on cos I just need to talk.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never know what it's like not to live with depression.   However good I feel, whatever I do, it is always there, like having tinnitus - however much I decorate it with great stuff, it's still underneath, like putting icing on a burnt cake.  Sorry guys, I am just fed up tonight, and all from that one remark my hubby made, all this garbage came from that moment.   I am going to stop now as I feel exhausted but I'll live.  If you found this a load of crap to read, don't give it another thought, I just needed to 'talk', and I'm glad I can do that here.

[captainkeefy]

Hi,

Sorry to hear your having a hard time of it right now. Don't think it's droning on, it helps to get it out and I don't believe anyone is a piece of c*ap, I believe everyone is special but some of us do have a mental illness that makes us feel that way and I feel worthless sometimes too. Next time you feel like self harming try squeezing a piece of ice for as long as you can. Apparently it's a good trick as it hurts like mad but leaves no lasting marks, I haven't self harmed in a long time but the thought has crossed my mind a few times since starting Therapy. Maybe you could try the ice trick and let me know how it goes?

Chin up hey, we all feel down from time to time and your not alone here.

[Zaf]

I think most of us know those feelings :0(

Z xxx

[Catbrian]

I have never self-harmed but I know a lot about self-destruct, which I consider on par.  The ice trick is new on me but I think it could just satisfy that urge.

I love the Jack Russell's in the pic, the puppies are so cute.  I have one called Jack!

[Jayfur]

Cath, how funny, you made me laugh like a drain, only one of the dogs is a jack russell!  Back left of the pic is the jrt, he's 4yrs and called Alfie.  The dark guy front centre is a medium size x breed called Tetley, 9yo.  The white girl back right is Roxy, she's 3yo and is a saluki lurcher...just a tad bigger than a jrt!!  T?hank you for giving me a chuckle at the start of my day   %^%

[stewart]

Please don’t feel that you are droning on, getting things off your chest can help Unfortunately self loathing is often a big part of depression, I found that having someone to offer support and encouragement is very helpful

[Catbrian]

Jayfur, they are all very sweet.  My JR has huge pointy ears; the father was long legged, the mother short; gave me a nice in between.  He has a mind of his own, we are in daily battle to see who's in charge.... the cat (that's the real pussy cat) wins every time!!

[Pip]

Vent away here as that's the whole point of the forums so you can get things off your chest.

Sadly my Tasha  aka Twizel the Demon Cat rules the roost here and she's the youngest.  Mind you she likes me tonight as I got her a treat in.

[Jayfur]

Thank you, peeps, for all the nice things you've said, whether re me or my doggies :)  I guess you all know what a huge relief it is to have somewhere to blurt everything out without fear of judgement or recrimination.  I work stuff out by writing it down, it's a sort of 'stream of consciousness' thing for me, often by the time I finish writing I have worked out the next step for me, or discovered something about myself I wasn't aware of.

[Catbrian]

I also work everything out through writing and it's even better if we know someone takes the time to read whatever we say.

Today I've been trying to worm the cats...ouch!  No luck, they scratch and bite and my back is too bad now to chase them round the room.  I notice in Pets at Home there is spot-on worming.  Does anyone know if it's any good?  Otherwise I need to take em to the vet just to be wormed.

Besides that, I still feel very good and positive, this is the best I've been in 13 years.

No snow in London, unfortunately.  Does anyone have snow?

[Jayfur]

I used to work for a vet years ago and I think that the over the counter stuff is a waste of money as a rule, that's only my opinion, mind you.  I'd rather spend a bit more on something I know will work, than less on something that might not work at all....

No snow in West Yorkshire today but forecast next couple of days.

[Catbrian]

Jayfur... I have heard Vets say that many times.  I think you are right.  Even the Bob Martin spot on for flees is rubbish and was always more effective from the Vets. 

Every time I look at that pic of little Alfie I giggle. he's got such a cute cheeky face and really looks like a puppy; so tiny in comparison to my Jack!