Hi guys

[Zaf]

Me too, trying to get about in nearly calf deep snow is no fun

Z xxx

[Catbrian]

The snow has fallen all day in London but there’s not much left to show for it now.  I do love it!

Until I came onto these pages tonight, I had almost forgotten that life had been feeling so very bad lately.  It has made me realise that I am the opposite of what the Christmas experience was.  I am no longer sitting on the fence, tittering between well-being and despair.  How long it will last, is anyone's guess, but, for a change, I will enjoy the present without worrying when my whole world might crash in on me.

The recent depression is one of the worst experiences I have ever had.  It made me realise a lot and brought me back to something that has always meant a great deal to me over the years, my faith in God and my spirituality.

I came to this Forum about a year ago with the biggest issue of not wanting to get any better, not if it meant re-joining life and making new friends.  My spirit had been facing destruction for years, by an existence that seen its fair share of suffering (most of it self-inflicted).  There was no future, no wishes or ambition.  Sometimes I really did hope for death, a couple of times I almost ended it.

Apparently, we go through major changes every 5 to 7 years, in our appearance and our outlook on life; I seem to follow a 7-year cycle.  This year I feel on the threshold of major change.  I am beginning to feel frustration for not doing enough.  There are ideas flowing through my brain about various writing courses and projects I would like to see myself embark on.

In ‘Shoot….Dog’ I can relate to almost everything the Author writes and found particular comfort in her comparisons between the depressive-self and the well-self.  Like her, I often find it hard to believe I was once capable of management positions when, at times, I can barely manage my own affairs.

The author doesn’t talk in terms of recovering from depression, rather that the depression is in remission.  Whatever, she did manage to get her life back under control and return to those responsible positions.  Overall, it helps to solidify my new-found hopes and ambitions for the future. 

I never thought I would hear myself say/write those words.  Only a few days ago I was wondering if that heavy depression would ever lift.... let's hope it has.

I'm off to make some bedtime supper; toast with spread cheese and tea with a dose of telly. 

[Michael Frankum]

It's really good to hear you sounding so positive.  +-_ I have mentioned before that I see you as a beacon of hope, as you often seem to have had problems similar to the way I have interpreted my problems, only you have made what seem to me to be massive strides towards dealing with life. This time I must start trying myself, rather than expecting your light at the end of the tunnel to be transferred to me by some type of osmosis. Thank you for all your encouragement and your brave example. I hope that I can join you in the sunlight some day. Best wishes. Michael.

[Zaf]

Thats really good to hear Cat  =+-

I'm sure you'll find that elusive light at the end of the tunnel soon Michael  %^% 

Z xxx

[Catbrian]

Michael, I don't know how long you have been suffering depression, but please remember that it has taken me 13 yrs to reach where I am today.  I have every faith you will reach that stage sometime in the future.  I am touched that you find my experience an encouragement in your own.

[Sweetpea]

That's so good to hear Cat. I also have the book you are reading, I also totally emphasized with what she was saying.

Michael, I have been very bad several times and never thought I would recover, but I did. I do not think I will ever be fully recovered, as its always there, the fear of being bad again. But I can enjoy my life again.

S x x x x

[Catbrian]

Another good day for my mood.  Been busy with this and that, feeling enthusiastic and hoping for a better future.

I have an appointment with the CPN here in my flat at 9.30am.  I always feel our meetings go on a little too long, last one was well over 2 hrs.  She did finally notice my eyes glazing over.  I cannot spend too long in people's company, my brain starts to frazzle, it can almost feel like I am suffocating.  I hope this is something that will change with time.  

It was snowing all day in London, the temp is dropping with, hopefully, more snow on the way!

Time for some super and then bed

[Pip]

Glad you're more positive Catb  $%$

[Catbrian]

The meeting with the CPN went okay.  We are getting to know one another gradually but I'm not sure I would discuss personal issues with her.  I see her more as a support in all the practical affairs and in getting to grips with my MH.  By that I mean, referring me for therapy and support groups, etc.  I’m afraid I do not get along very well with “practical business”, as most of it means external/in the community/re-joining life sort of stuff and I am usually left feeling irritable, sometimes very depressed.  Today was no exception for the irritability but, so far, I have managed to keep the depression from hitting the floor.

[Sweetpea]

I think you have to have a really good rapport with someone before you can discuss personal things. Its good that she can help with the practical side of things.  %^% For you.

S x x x x