Hi guys

[Catbrian]

Hi everyone

I haven't been on the Forum recently, but I still think of everyone and hope things are holding together.

I think I've just been needing a little time on my own.  My Christmas downer was one of the worst, maybe I'm just a little shell-shocked, I dunno.  But, I hope this is the beginning of my return.

Peace!

Cat xx

[Leo]

Nice to see you back. How are you feeling?

[Got]

Sorry to hear you've been struggling. I've been the same. Take care and look after yourself

[Pip]

 %^%

[Michael Frankum]

 +-_ Good to hear from you. Sorry to hassle you so soon, but I was wondering if your plan to get a car on the road was still there, and if your redecorating is finished. I only ask because you will probably remember just how hyperactive I am! I've managed to feed Chloe and make myself a sandwich today!  =+- Best wishes. Michael.

[Catbrian]

Thanks for the replies. 

Yes, Michael, I have sort of come to the end of decorating the living room.  There's problems with a damp external wall.  It will need completely stripped, new wallpaper and more paint, but not until I'm feeling better.  I haven't got round to organising a car, as my driving licence documents have gone missing in the post.  It will take another 3-4wks before that's sorted.

Recently, the spiritual side of me is having a positive time but the practical and mental are all over the place.  I haven't been "right" since Oct/Nov.  Christmas, as everyone knows, was a living nightmare.  While I slowly made a recovery, my spirit was left feeling flat and exhausted and that's where I seem to be stuck.  I can't be bothered with much and I'm as fragile as a china doll.

At first I felt relief for the flatness of mood, anything but depression.  However, the constant apathy is naturally beginning to drag me down and I need to try fight my way on top again.  I believe more guidelines around a new structure to the day, is the best way forward.  It's the only way that will make a difference,  but the self-discipline it requires could be beyond me.

I'm trying to read "Shoot the Damn Dog", but only managing a few pages at bedtime.  It really needs more concentration to absorb, even practice, any suggestions the author might make.  Of course, it speaks volumes to any depressive and I do highly recommend.  The first quote I made a note of

    "If we connect with even one other human being who truly understands, we take one step out of the illness.  Life is about connection.  There is nothing else.  Depression is the opposite; it is an illness defined by alienation

This struck me as very true of my own experiences in the Forum.  Connecting and supporting can feel one step closer to some kind of recovery.  So, it's no surprise that I have been feeling confusion as to why I've been alienating myself from the Forum, which is one of the main sources of my support.

I suppose everything requires a little more effort right now and I need to push forward....

Time for some dinner and in the words of Arny, "I'll be back"...

[Sweetpea]

Huge big  %^% Cat.

X x x x

[Catbrian]

Many thanks Shaz

[Wallow]

Sounds like you need to give yourself credit for what you are managing to do. You are reading that book - it might just take a little longer than before, but you may need things to move slower at the moment. And you are managing to make yourself some dinner. These may seem like small achievements in the grand scheme of things but when apathy & depression sets in, they require ALOT of effort & so should be congratulated. (I could do with listening to my own advice!)

[Catbrian]

Yes, wallow, we should all listen to our own advice.

What you say is very true, but I've been stuck on this level of apathy for too long.  I always function with the day-to-day things like shopping (on the good days), cooking, cleaning and caring for the two elderly cats and a Jack Russell.  But, I need to move it up a notch, try take on a little bit more things that will gradually lead me back to having some kind of normal life.

It's been good to spend time on the Forum.  Tomorrow I'm about to embark on a new structure to the day, give me more time to do things I'm putting off for no other reason than apathy.

I feel I'm at a crossroads with my depression/life.  I'm on a mission to learn how to let go of the things from the past and to build an entirely different future.  It's something that will  take me X amount of time to achieve, but as long as I see myself working towards that, I will feel more content.

Letting go of the things from the past isn't as easy as it sounds.  Sometimes I feel those memories, as painful as they are, are like old familiar friends who are difficult to shake.  These memories serve no purpose for today, they're entirely pointless.  So why do we find them so difficult to let go?

[Wallow]

I am the same with memories from the past. I guess there is some comfort in familiarity even if it is painful. It reminds me of a quote i wrote down recently (cant remember where from.) "Letting go is not getting rid of, letting go is letting be." (Easier said than done!)

[Catbrian]

Hey wallow, I love that quote.  It actually speaks volumes to me today because I've always been completely lost with the whole concept of "letting go" and how that can be at all possible as long as we have our memory.  If letting go is actually letting things be, then I'm already half way there.   Mmmm  %$£ very thought provoking!

Today's been slightly off balance due to being awake at a ridiculously early hour.  I must have had 2-3hrs sleep.  I don't deal with tiredness too well, so had a very sound afternoon nap.  Trouble with trying to read "Shoot....Dog" is I either completely forget what the previous pages contain, or it's a struggle to stay awake.  Falling asleep either sitting in the chair or sitting up in bed is the worst thing for a back problem, the pain has attacked my legs all day long, but at least I'm not depressed!

My mood's reasonably okay but the fragility titters on the edge of depression, one little nudge or a silly wrong word could plunge me over the edge.  That terrifies me.  I am at a crossroads.  The medication isn't working, my current reclusive lifestyle is beginning to feel alien and unacceptable.  There's a lot of talk around me about spirituality and Mindfulness, as well as meditation.  These are all things I feel "a calling" to apply to my own life.

[Zaf]

Have faith you will find a way forward Cat, dont forget 'a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step' and 'to travel hopefully is better than to arrive' - the steps those of us that are depressed seem to take a lot more effort and our steps may have to be much smaller but we can get there

Z xxx

[Catbrian]

That's very true Zaf, those tiny steps can take enormous effort.

Today, I'm still feeling JUST okay, sort of remaining on the edge between good and horrendous.  I think January can be one of the worst months for depressives, the cold damp air and dark nights can feel relentless

[Sweetpea]

 %^% Cat, the weather really doesn't help. I feel I want to hibernate this time of the year.

S x x x x