Anxiety/Depression returns

[calm_one]

Hi everyone,

Not sure why I need to post this, but I just need to get this off my chest.

About 6 years ago I had the year of hell, very bad anxiety and depression. But I got over it, bought my own home, living with a new partner, life was good, great in fact! I looked back over my year of hell and was totally baffled by it.

About 6 months ago I notice I wasn't as happy I was, but didn't think a lot of it. I have a boyfriend living with me, although the relationship isn't great at times, my dad moved in with me temporarily and helped me buy the house after he split from my mam.

Living with my dad is very hard, he aggressive, rude, embarrass me in front of my friends, but then blames me for making him feel unwanted and fails to see that my friends don't want to know about a 68 year old's sex life. Constantly having to tidy up after him. Then we had a huge argument about the mess of the house and he attached me, kicked me and then punched me in the face. He blames it all on my saying I made him do it. I asked him to leave and he just laughs and says "this is my house i gave you the deposit, i'm not going anywhere"

So  I have finally decided selling my house is the best option, and we are getting on okay on a day to day thing. In the meantime my b/f wrote off my car by careless driving. Which really stressed me out (more than my dad did) in the end I managed to buy a new car, but it has developed a major fault and the car company are being really awkward about repairing it. This is when I started to notice I was feeling quite anxious about my current situation. This is still on going..

But about 2 months ago I one day work up feeling stupidly anxious, following a really bad night sleep I just felt awful, 2 days later and still no sleep I went to the docs. He prescribed me Mirtazapine. This initially helped with sleeping and eating and we agreed to up the dose to 30mg 3 weeks ago today.

I was starting to feel a lot better, i was sleeping and eating again and although I had stressess they were not making me ill. A week before xmas I got a really bad cold and which made me run down, but still felt happy (as happy as you can be with a cold) then on Christmas Day, while opening my presents BANG a knot in my stomach and terrible anxiety. I felt horrific guilt over all the lovely things my boyfriend bought me and cried several times during the day (I'm not normally weepy) And although this feeling of guilt has passed I just feel so agitated and anxious all the time. The last 2 nights I've also had early waking which is driving me nuts.

My biggest worry is that I'm heading down the old path spiraling out of control and its so frighting. I do have a really supportive family (even my dad weirdly) and friends which helps and I'm constantly challenging my thinking saying its not a big deal, its just a car, its just a house, its only emotions, I will get better. This does help but doesn't take away the fact I feel like crap!

I have only been on 30mg mirtazapine for 3 weeks so I'm probably not feeling the full effect yet. But I'm also worried that the agitation is down to the drugs after increasing the dose. i did try out cirtalaopram when I was ill years ago but the side effects were horrific for me.

Thanks for reading!

[Zaf]

I hope the ADs kick in soon

Z xx

[Jon]

Hi calm-one,
Given everything you describe, I'm not surprised you are feeling anxious.
The feeling that one is spiralling out of control can be terrifying and even a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy as anxiety can breed yet more anxiety.
May I recommend a book to you? It's one that has helped me enormously in recent weeks when I have experienced similar feelings of unbearable anxiety.
It's The Mindful Way Through Depression by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn - available from Amazon etc.
It's not a self-help book in the quick-fix sense. It's more an introduction to Mindfulness practice designed to help you live your life more in the present, without feeling besieged by thoughts about the past and future. You don't need to attend any groups. You don't need to join anything. The simple meditation exercises (as explained on the audio CD that comes with the book) can be done in your own front room.
I'm not pretending the book has been life-changing for me. It's too early to say. All I am saying is that it's making a very positive difference in my life at a very trying time for me emotionally.
I wish you all good things, Jon

[calm_one]

Thanks Zaf - me too!

Jon, thanks for that, I'm really into the idea of mediating and mindfulness, unfortunately for me I discovered it when I was on the mend so didn't stick at it, when I should have!

I have Jon Kabat-Zinn book full catastrophic living, or something like that, but I just found it too heavy when I was depressed all those years ago! Then not enough motive to give it a go when I was well!

I think I will give the book you recommend a go! How long have you been using it? My main problem is the anxiety, do you think it will be helpful for that?

Thanks  =+-

[Jon]

Hi calm-one,
One of the things that Mindfulness teaches you is not to blame yourself. It's perfectly OK that you tried it when you were on the mend and then let it lie. If it's meant for you, it will find you again.
Full Catastrophe Living is one of the books I've been reading recently. Kabat-Zinn is pretty much the main Mindfulness guy worldwide. I'd strongly urge you to give it another go.
I've only been practicing for a month but, like I say, the benefits have been enormous.
My depression has always been anxiety-fuelled. Particularly when relationships collapse I put myself through hell, properly torment myself. This time I decided I wouldn't go down that road.
Mindfulness is helping me to manage my anxiety. The needle was constantly in the red a month ago. Since that time, in the last fortnight, I've had two major health scares and my dad has passed away. I would expect my anxiety levels to be off the scale altogether. But 45 minutes of meditation a day and I'm feeling OK, really I am. I'm grieving my losses and coping with my health situation but what I'm no longer doing is letting the anxiety swing out control and making my life a misery - which it's always done in the past. When I feel panic approaching I'm able to attend to my breathing and I can head that unbearable feeling of dizzy panic off at the pass.
It's early days but it does seem to be working for me.
Hope it works for you too.
All good things, Jon

[calm_one]

Hi Jon,

Sorry about your dad and your health too. Although in a strange way its comforting to see that you are able to cope using these techniques.

Is the mindful way through depression easier than full catastrophe living to read?? I found that was very open and not specific to depression from what i can remember, I also know its bout 500 pages long! I might get mindful way through depression as a way to ease myself into it in the hope its easier to get though than FCL?

Thanks

[Jon]

For me the easiest way in is is "Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world" by Mark Williams and Danny Penman.
Good things, Jon

[Pip]

calm_one it can be a vicious circle wanting to get back to feeling good, trying to rush the 'getting back on track' and being frustrated / feeling down because it's not happening or at least not as quickly as you will like.  You have had one heck of a year for you so allow yourself time.  Your dad has no right to be aggressive towards you though and giving you a deposit for the house is no excuse.  Can anybody be supportive of you so that you can stand up to him without fear of retaliation?

[Catbrian]

Calm, I was horrified when I read of the treatment from your Dad.  Having that sort of influence in your life can do little favours for your depression.  I hope you can find a way out of that.

The book Jon suggests sounds very interesting and worth a read, I'll be looking out for that one.

[calm_one]

I do have lots of supportive friends and family, so I'm very lucky I'm surrounded by support. I've been very open about my anxiety and depression with them, they are all keen to get me out and about and are so welcoming for me to pop round to see them if I want company.

I know everything will be fine but its going to be a long slog to get there I just wish I was there now.

Woke up about 7 this morning feeling a little agitated. But feeling better now I'm with friends.

Thanks for replying guys :-)

I still have to constantly reassure myself though.

[Catbrian]

Hey that's really positive calm_one.  Friends who understand can make all the difference.  Hope the first day of your new year is going well

[calm_one]

Unfortunately my dad started an argument with my other half for no reason than to be a tosser. Going to look at putting the house up for sale over the next couple of weeks.

Been having chest pains all day, which isn't a symptom of anxiety I normally feel.

I love my home, but a positive spin will be by looking at it as a new challenge I guess.

Glad to read you're having a positive time catb :-)

[Catbrian]

Well, it sounds like your Dad will continue to spoil things for you and your B/F.  He sounds like a naughty child.

I hope things start to pick up for you

[calm_one]

I hope so too!

Just been to the docs, had some blood tests to make sure i'm physically okay, I always seem to have a bug or a cold! Still not sleeping well or eating that much. Just waiting for my mindfulness book to arrive so I can start practicing!

He was happy to keep me on 30mg as I got my dates wrong, I've only been on it for just over 2 weeks.

Went back to work yesterday was okay but feel very tired and sleepy there, work mates and managers are very supportive of me though :)

x

[Jon]

Do let me know how you get on with the mindfulness book, calm_one. And please feel free to holler if you need any advice on it.
I start my eight-week group course in it next week (2 hours every Saturday) and I'm really excited at the prospect of experiencing the meditations in a group environment.
To be honest, I'm not sure how I would have coped in the last month if I hadn't discovered it.
I had an extremely bleak morning today. Two 20 minute meditations later and I feel very calm very centred.
I wish you all good things, Jon WW