my own thoughts and demons

[Gary21]

Hi all,

Amongst all my problems, maybe the biggest one I get is when I do like someone I get so obsessed by them, that is all I can think of, but I mean ALL I think of. And because of past failures I only ever see the worst of everything and believe I can do no right. I have told my counsellor things I never dreamt I'd ever tell anyone and yes that did feel good albeit embarrassing. I have suffered depression before but have been ok for a few years keeping myself safe in my own safety bubble not allowing any chance of anything 'bad' enter. But after a huge medical scare in the summer I decided I needed to come out of my bubble and try for 'happiness', but as I feared it has all gone pear shaped. And now I just feel worse than ever, and have anxiety attacks evenings when on my own, and now because the want of my desire is at work and she is all I can think of and I apparently I have made her feel uncomfortable, never meant to, I have severe fears something will be said in work. All I did was tell her my feelings and give her a card and letter, I thought it was calm and a nice way to do that, but how wrong was I. So now tomorrow I am bricking it, and will have to even park elsewhere to avoid the lady. Anyway everything going on recently has made me feel so bad about myself, I know I am struggling to just cope with the basics, and am just going through all the motions painfully. At least my doc has given me some meds and I have my counselling, but it is hard to see the point of anything at the moment, I just wish I could sleep forever when I do eventually sleep for an hour or so........I just detest myself and just wish I was as most of other people - happy....

Gary

[Zaf]

You'd be surprised how many people arent really happy and put on a mask to face the world Gary.  I hope tomorrow isnt too difficult for you.

Z xxx

[Gary21]

Thanks for tomorrow, I'll try to be positive but I am so fearful and scared, in fact I'm shaking at the thought already......

[Catbrian]

Sometimes we think things are going to be worse than they actually are.  You've done no wrong.  They have told you the truth and as long as you respect what they are saying, there's not a lot more they can say about it.

Falling for people like this seems to suggest some dependency issues and I wonder if you can identify with that?

[Gary21]

I do know that but with my history it is hard to see positives. Its strange as I've known the lady for a few years but until recently never had the nerve through fear of telling her, and as normal with me it appears I've gone about it all the wrong way.
Not sure about the dependency issues though, but  I guess I do have some feelings of being old and alone and that does scare me.
All I'm now waiting for is 4 oclock tomorrow, but then what...

[tharidler]

hello gary
after reading your post i wanted to say you are not the only person like this and i'm sure therapy will help if you have really upset this person well that can't be undone and like catb said you respect that and try and move on often we make these things worse in our own heads by thinking and rethinking things over and over and over again and so many of us think everyones happy and we're not well that is rarely the case and most of us can put on a good mask and pretend you are not alone in this or the fact that you don't like yourself well i don't like myself and never really have but i'm working to change that so hang in there and hopefully later will no be as bad as you may think

[Gary21]

Well I survived today at work though it was a real struggle, and some good news I guess as nobody said anything. Still feel so bad though and so anxious all the time. Dreading going back again already now. I've still had the girl on my mind all day, and just wish I could change that and I do know I need to forget her. I feel I need to be back in my own safety zone for a while even though its not really my favourite place. Why is life so difficult?

[Catbrian]

Pleased it went okay.  Try not to worry too much about going back, I'm sure everything is okay now.

Your "safety zone", I'm assuming is you withdrawing?  It's never easy when we experience rejection by someone we really like and probably most of us would withdraw for a while.  Are there any clubs you can join or some voluntary work; appropriate places where you are more likely to meet like-minded people?

[Gary21]

Thanks about today. Yeah I guess my safety zone is like withdrawing from most things, but been there far too long and that does get me down even more at times. Not at office tomorrow as supposed to be out enjoying xmas meal and drinks, could be hard to do the enjoying part.... but seeing counsellor in morning first, which I need. Good idea I'll think about that, but first need the enthusiasm as I feel so tired and lethargic at the moment.

[Jon]

Hello Gary 21,
May I suggest something? It's only a suggestion - something that appears to be working for me.
It might just be possible that meds and counselling aren't working for you. They've never worked for me during periods of depression.
I've recently started reading about Mindfulness, a practice that combines eastern meditation practices with contemporary western psychology. It mostly involves retraining your mind to live more in the moment, so that you're not besieged by unmanageable thoughts about the past and the future. You don't need to attend any groups. You don't need to join anything. The simple meditation exercises can be done in your own front room.
Like I say it seems to be working for me. I've had a ghastly month - breaking up with a woman I loved, two major health scares, and just today, news that my father has passed away. I won't pretend I'm having an easy time of it but I'd be having a much tougher time of it if I hadn't found out about Mindfulness, which is helping me to avoid feeling overcome with all the painful emotions I'm feeling.
Maybe it's worth a try. You only need to buy a book. The one I'm reading is Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. If you find the book beneficial, you may then find that there are local classes in your area that will allow you to explore the subject more deeply.
I'm not pretending it's been life-changing. It's too early to say. All I am saying is that it's making a positive difference in my life at a very trying time for me emotionally.
I wish you all the best and hope you get well soon.
Cheers, Jon

[Jon]

ps. I'm not suggesting, by the way, that you come off meds and/or counselling. What I've suggested above can be done in conjunction with both those things.