been away a while & parents

[tharidler]

hello everyone

over the last few months i've stayed away for several reasons i found myself sinking deeper and deeper into that black fog and also my four year old and my one year old keep me away from my laptop as some of you may know i have been receiving help and medication for some six years now and while most of the time i don't want to attend therapy i always do and it has helped to identify some of my problem areas one of the recent things i have discovered although i don't know why is i get worse at christmas a few years ago i dipped at this time of year and became suicidal to the point my therapist wanted me to stay in a secure unit then last year it happened again only it was put down to the stress of having a second child and there had been complications on top of my depression but this year it's getting worse again i have a hair trigger temper (non violent i should stress) and i just feel myself sinking deeper and deeper my therapist is off ill so i haven't had a chance to discuss it but as a child i had a nice time at christmas so answers on a postcard please.
now onto the second part of this post whilst as previously mentioned i had a nice time at christmas there were many issues throughout childhood some which affect me to this day any at the begining of 2012 and being at a low point i decided to write my parents a letter to explain that i was having some problems ( the last time i tried i was told i was being silly ) but this time i had more information from my therapy sessions so i felt better equipped to try and explain some things i wrote a long letter probably four or five times untill i had one i was happy to send i went out of my way to make no accusations as i felt it would be counter productive to be on the safe side my wife and elder sister read it it reduced my sister to tears and she said that they could not accuse of anything as i had gone soft on them and she felt i could have and should have said more but i was happy with the final draft so i sent it . This was hard for me as i had to admit to not wanting to get out of bed to visit them and that aspects of my childhood were bothering me even now and also my suicidal tendancies in a few months i had a birthday card which read i love all of you the same that was it no enquiry's about me or my children nothing now i know in the bible we are supposed to honour our parents but what can i do when my therapist tells me that because of my upbringing i was set up to fail (not intentionally ) but thats what happened i had it drummed into me from a young age that there is no afterlife that when you die you just cease to exist now i know more that a few people on here think thats true and i have no problem with that but my six year old self does hence why i struggle to function as a normal adult amongst other reasons and while this has been a bit of a ramble i don't think enough people realise what an awesome responsibility it is to bring up children so what i'm asking is do other people think that their current issues have maybe a root in their childhood and if so have you been able to overcome it ?

[Zaf]

I dont think I have issues as such from my childhood but I do know the attitudes of my parents (who were good, caring and loving people) had a lot of influence on my ideas and attitudes, even where my beliefs are totally at odds with those they held

Z xx

[tharidler]

i'm sorry zaf you are quite right of course to mention the positive influences of our parents and i would like to hear them just as much as the negatives as it will give a fuller picture

[Zaf]

Some were positive and some were negative tharidler but I'm fortunate to know they did their best and any negative effects werent meant.

Z xxx

[Catbrian]

I have carried difficult childhood memories for years and have constantly worked towards inner peace, where my relationship with my parents are concerned.  Like yours, mine would never take any responsibility for their actions and any attempts at discussing it were soul destroying for me.  How can you forgive someone when they don't admit where they went wrong?

It's taken me many years to be able to live with the memories.  I can forgive them to a point because anything they did, they thought was the right thing to do. In many ways, they mirrored their own abusive upbringing.  Also, none of us are perfect.  We all make some horrendous mistakes in our lifetime. 

I'm done with talking to them about anything.  They are too old and I'm getting too old to cast up the distant past.  I respect and appreciate them for who they are today.  I have changed, but so have they.  But, this frame of mind has taken me many years, sweat and tears, there's never any easier alternative.  I suppose we all need to work through things like this at our own pace.

[tharidler]

thanks cat for your reply i think one problem for me is we are still unearthing problematic memories and as a direct result of the letter i sent my parents we are no longer in touch with each other but thats ok i think that at a later date i will be able to start to heal in this regard but i do understand it will be a slow process i think at the moment its hard to think i will get to that point but i'm hopefull.

[Catbrian]

I went through long periods of silence in my journey with my parents, at times months could pass, other times, years.  What took me so long was the wrong belief that, in order to heal, I need their participation.  It's highly unlikely you will ever get your parents to work through these issues with you.  I'm afraid that job is all down to you.

I dealt with it sporadically.  For me, it was about embracing the pain and letting go

I agree, it's often difficult to imagine feeling peace with our demons.  In my humble experience, through soul searching, comes healing, wisdom and peace and I hope that will be the same for you.

[Joycey]

Catb, I can really relate to your post and you are absolutely right that you do not need your parents to take responsibility to make peace.  My mother has suffered with mental health problems all her life, this made our childhood very difficult and although now, in my 50s I can be more sympathetic, as a child I couldn't understand how she could behave the way she did.  She is now in her 80s and although she doesn't remember most things she does occasionally have bouts of guilt when she just says 'I do love you, you know'.  I am not particularly comfortable with this as I am not used to it but I have come to terms with the situation as it is now.  The important thing to me is that I do my best to get it right and don't let past problems ruin the time we have left together, that way I can reassure myself that I have nothing to feel guilty about.  tharidlar, make peace with your parents and clear your own conscience then you know that you hold no blame for any problems between you.  You will be amazed how cleansing this is.

[tharidler]

thankyou cat b and joycey for your posts when i was nineteen i left home and did not speak to my parents for ten years then by chance i bumped into my mum one day and decided to take the plunge and speak to her this led to me being involved with my parents again most of the reasons why i left home no longer seemed important but slowly over time i realised i was still the naughty little boy and no amount of me attemting to change or please helped in fact it began to take its toll mentally that and the realisation that both my parents remembered a very different childhood to me made me question whether i had even made all of the issues up and as you both know there is no chance of them taking responsibility for their actions and i will admit that i do understand that in some ways they tried their hardest sadly that was always in buying our love however i do understand there was no manual to follow and often lessons learned rightly or wrongly get passed on and the letter i wrote to them was not something i took lightly or sent quickly it took many months of soul searching i think you are both right in the fact it is more about me having to try and come to terms with the issues i face in regards to my parents and my childhood and as you both have said i need to be able to make peace before i can move on even if that is without their participation