It's been a while

[pinkcasi]

Hi everyone so i've not been here in quite a while, i may have gotten a bit carried away with life and now im having a slow slide into despair, so my story since i was last here....

I fell pregnant a few months ago, it was planned and i was lucky enough to fall on only the second month of coming off the pill, as soon as i found out i stopped smoking and i came off the citalorpram, at about that same time my partner got a new job, he's a chef and it was a promotion in a new place running his own kitchen, wicked, we need the extra money with the baby coming and it's great for his carreer, everything is perfect, im feeling good!

Then at 12.5 weeks i lost the baby so if ever there's a time for me to spiral that was it but i didn't i just about held it together, i spent a week in bed hysterical and refusing to see or speak to anyone, but i got through it,  it's now been 3 months since then and i go to work and i function, Around the same time i lost the baby things went south for my partner at work, and through no fault of his own he ended up out of work for several weeks a month before xmas, he was down, and lost confidence and at home all the time, I was going out to work then coming home and having to do all the housework and it really took it's toll, he's back at work now and we're doing better but the whole of the last few months have really given us both a real kicking.
We are trying again, and have been for the last 3 months and although it's not that long it's really starting to take it's toll, I really thought i was pregnant this month I was late and despite having a negative pregnancy test i convinced myself that it was wrong and just too early to show, until i got my period which was like a donky kick to the chest, i know 3 months isn't a long time and some people try for years but im very impatient and i feel like after the miscarriage i feel lost and empty and if i can just get pregnant again everything will be ok, i know it doenst sound like a healthy reason to get pregnant but without it i feel like a total failure.
So many people just manage to accidently fall pregnant, they make out at school that if you have unprotected sex you are guarenteed to get pregnant, but it's not that easy is it, and my OH keeps saying well we've done it once so we can do it again, but it's no guarentee is it i might not be able to.
I just feel so sad most days, i feel like im just treading water, im teetering on the edge but i cant tell anyone, if my OH thinks im not ok, and he tells me all the time he's worried about me but i cant risk being put back on the drugs, i came off them because i didnt want to be on them wilie i was pregnant, how do i know that it didn't cause my miscarriage? I've stopped smoking and drinking, am eating healthy and taking my folic acid, im trying to ensure that im as healthy as i can be to give us the best chance, i sound like a nutter, and perhaps im not the best person to have a baby, i can hardly look after myself, i come to work do half a day and have to go home to cry, i like to think that if i had a baby i would be happier but at the  end of the day im a depressive, what if i suffer with post natal depression, what if i make my kids depressives, what if something happens to my kids because of me and my 'issues' i would never forgive myself.

Im just having a bit of a ranty vent, i have no idea what im doing day on day really i just try to get through but if i keep trying for a baby does it make me really selfish? or just plain stupid?

[mat]

i dont think it makes you selfish or stupid, i think it shows that you are a loving and caring person that you want to bring another life into this world, and that your worries are only natural.

[Catbrian]

Hey Pink.... sorry , just noticed your post today.  I can't even imagine what it's like to loose a baby and after so many weeks of building your hopes, sensing a baby growing inside you and already forming that motherly bond, I completely understand how devastating this must be.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your reasons for wanting to have a baby.  As you say, 3 months isn't long, but I'm not so sure that will be of any comfort when you are eagerly trying and waiting.  I sincerely hope you don't have months and years of unsuccessful attempts ahead.  It sounds like you are doing all the right things ensuring your body will be in prime condition.  That doesn't make you sound like a nutter, on the contrary.  You sound very capable and deserving of this and I can only hope and pray it comes good for you and your partner in the very near future.

I also hope you can find the Forum helpful

[Pip]

I am sorry for your loss, don't blame yourself though because you was doing everything right.  I know this is easier said than done but try not stressing over getting pregnant again.  You need calm and to keep your spirits up.  Please don't ever feel you can't talk about the lost baby though as you need to grieve and that includes talking.  I knew a couple that went through miscarriages before having their daughter.  What helped them was always being able to talk to each other about their feelings and having family support.  Sometimes people forget that it affects the husband as well as the wife even though men don't go through pregnancy.  If you haven't talked to your doctor about your fears that will a good idea to do so.

[tharidler]

hi there
after reading your post i felt compelled to reply i'm so sorry for your loss and you are neither selfish or stupid two years ago me and my wife sat in a room having our first scan only to have the nurse call in another nurse who announced "yeah that ones gone" and a couple of days later my wife had an evacuation we were told to wait a few months and then we could start trying again so we did like you we had a few upsetting false starts we were also amazed to read on the net actually its not as easy as everyone thinks to fall pregnant anyway after a year of false starts we got there and last week we celebrated our little boys first birthday so please keep faith it will happen also i know people who have been on certain meds that are not a problem for babies so if you feel the need speak to your gp i hope things happen soon for you

kindest regards j