This is not the life i was meant to live.

[notwavingbutdrowning]

Hi, i've done the basic intro on the official bit.

Why do other people generally seem to enjoy and make the best out of life, and i can't? I've had depression for a long time, in hindsight.  A very distant and difficult father, then led to years of caning cannabis, living in an awful dump of a flat to get away from my home life and clubbing completely off my face.  In time i did get a degree and try and make a new life, move on and be a proper functioning adult, which i just about tried to with varying success although never got a career and moved around doing low paid temping jobs here and abroad for years.  Until that is,l i met my son's father who basically dumped me when i was pregnant, and since then my life has gone seriously downhill. 

When my son was 2 i decided to train up and make something of my life, nearly 2 years down the roadi took a long break from the course due to bad experiences during that time of a drunk mentor, being unfortunate to have 45 mentors over all my placements which is excessive, an alcoholic intense boyfriend, 1 miscarriage then a termination, and my son's father and his family screwing me over financially and the father walking away from contact finally after several years of nothing much more from him...this meant a year off my course, complete with a breakdown, and soon after i met a lovely kind a gentle guy.  I then suffered 2 miscarriages one after the other, and that's where i am now waiting to miscarry and knowing i'm heading for a d&c again which is even more damaging to my womb and my chances of ever having more children.  I'm due to return to my course in 2 weeks after 16 months away, and i'm not going back.  I made this decision yesterday finally, but haven't told anyone.  I've just finished with my partner because i'm too f***ed up to handle anything.  I actually can't handle relationships and commitment full stop anymore, and i know i'm feeling bad when i'm back to toying with the idea of how i kill myself...o i have to take my son with me, because i can't bare for him to suffer the pain of loss of this mother, as well as abandonment by his father....then again, I don't want im brought up by my parents, whilst my mum does a good job in her situation, and my father adores my son, i just can't bare to think my son will be brought up by the two people how let me down so badly for fear they will do the same to him. 

According to the GP, I've had/got post traumatic stress syndrome, postnatal depression, severe anxiety, and i suppose general depression if you assume postnatal ever left me, which it doesn't feel like it has.  I've had Citalopram which worked briefly, but it killed my sex drive and it's ruined my ability to climax ever since.  Not that i should care now, but it makes me feel even more defunct that i already do. I've had counselling (but can't have that since going on my course because one of my placement was rotating around all the mental health departments), and i've spoken to my Mum at length and a good friend who also had a breakdown after her divorce.  I've sought support, read around the causes of depression, i've accessed what i can, but now i've reached a dead end and my life actually seems hopeless.  Like this is the life i've got and i can't seem to find my way through.   

I had the chance of a career, and i can't even do that because i'm such a mess, so i worry what kind of future i can offer my son; he deserves better, i could have given him better if i were stronger, more resilient, a fighter, a survivor, determined to put his future above my own issues and so i KNOW i'm letting him down as well as myself.  I can't get out of debt, i can't afford to run my car even though my son goes to school in the next village so i'm running around in a taxless car, i'm constantly getting hand outs from my mum because she feels so guilty about my father and my &$%+ty situation, and frankly i couldn't eat without her help anyway.  My house is half decorated and looks tired, my wardrobe is cheap and bland because i hate dressing up when i feel so down about myself.  At the school gates i keep my head down and don't talk to other mums unless they speak to me because i'm scared of rejection, and even then i'm embarrased, nervous, wanting to run away and must appear very quiet to them.  They seem like adults, i feel like a child, i useless thing.  This has of course affected my son, because the parents don't make efforts to strike up playdates, which i would hate anyway, so he's not getting the interaction he needs.  I do the bare minimum with my son too, i'm exhausted all the time, and sometimes i even forget to feed him.  I sit on the net, trying to block out real life, and i feel like i'm sat around waiting to die.  I have sod all pleasure in life and i feel like i'm watching everyone else live a life i want.

Is this what life is about?  When i was first left holding the baby so to speak, people told me i'd be fine, i'd move on and be happy and it'd all be a distant memory, but it hasn't and i'm trapped inside an unhappy person who seems to invite disaster after disaster.  I was a happy child, with a bright future, and now i'm heading to being a washed up bitter single Mum, with no career, lots of resentment, no money or stability, and nothing to look forward to.

[Ezel]

It's late and I'm tired but I wanted to respond before going to bed so sorry this is short.

Firstly don't make a final decision just yet about not returning to your course.  You've been through quite a bit of trauma and I am sorry you have been through so much.  Have you had any counselling for the miscarriages?   Each one has been a loss of a child which I can't begin to understand as it's something I haven't been through.  I do know what it's like not to raise my only son whom I was bullied and lied into surrendering.  My son being adopted was the most painful experience I have ever been through and something I wouldn't want to wish on anyone.  however 23 years after he was adopted we reunited so at least I know he is alive and well.  Getting back on the course may help you to get focused.

I'll come back to this tomorrow.  %^& 

[notwavingbutdrowning]

Thanks Ezel, this board seems quiet so it's with a lot of appreciation i logged on to see your reply.  I can't imagine what it must be like in your situation, i should be thankful (and i am) of the joy my son brings however difficult our initial years have been.  At my lowest I considered adoption several times up until a year ago even, which maybe sounds awful to you, as you were forced into it.  I'm so so pleased for you that you got the opportunity to meet your son, the years in between must have felt like you were waiting to carry on with him where you left off to some degree, whilst not knowing if ever that would happen.  I'm sure i would have gone into a dark place too, assuming that what has been the catalyst to your depression.  It must have been tough and in some ways must still be.  Was it your parents who pushed you to place him for adoption?

As for my course - I spent the last year of the nearly 2 years i complete crying in lectures, crying on placement, not handing in work fully, not getting my stuff signed off at all, getting frustrated an cross with people i felt had wrong done me or weren't treating me properly because the depression made me intensify over things and take stuff to heart.  And in fairness, i probably seemed really mental, because i was on the edge.  I don't want to go back there, to face the same people, the same situations, when  i feel just as fragile as i did when i left.  The fear of starting and failing is crippling.  I sound pathetic, im being defeatist.  I haven't contacted the school, so 2 weeks before i'm meant to be going back to say a definite yes is very late - i'm starting in an incompetent way, just as i left.  I know i SHOULD, be i don't want to nor think i can without messing up.  And that makes me feel even more guilty.

No i haven't had counselling, i was suggested to have CBT last time i was medicated, but since i've been on placement with the mental health teams through my course, i asked to go to the next district, so i could still pursue that.  I don't know if i trust all that, i deal much better with facts - why am i feeling low, what are the physiological reasons, how can i change that?  If it's a chemical imbalance, give me pills.  But of course, there are psychological triggers that must be dealt with, but right now i'm in a state of limbo because i haven't actually miscarried the second pregnancy yet and suspect i'm going to need an operation if it goes on much longer.  That also co-incides with my course, as i can't go back and need time off/miscarry there.  As ever in my life, timing is lousy.

Thanks for your response again, much needed.

[notwavingbutdrowning]

Haven't had counselling for the miscarriage that should read.