Sorry

[cat69]

Didn't know what to put as subject..other than a lot of swear words...

Oh god, if only my daughter wasn't here....it's the only thing that's keeping me alive!

I've just text goodbye to all my 'so called' friends...so I am here to say good bye and take care to you all too.

As you can imagine, no one responded, as I expect none of you will, nothing against you, just I know I'm not worth talking to.

I tried to reach out to friends and family...haven't actually been able to talk to anyone, not even my doc, cos he just doses me up and
sends me on my way.  No one has actually sat face to face with me and just listened....and i tried hard to find someone who would, someone who knows me!
So, I have come to the conclusion, that I really am what I think I am, because whatever way I turn, no one has any time for me...not even 5 minutes from
a supposed good friend who lives across the road!

I've even tried being cheery towards people, asking them to go out and have fun, or come round and have the kids play...but, no, all have abandoned me it seems.
They say yes, and make arrangements, then either cancel or just ignore me...then i find out, they've gone out with someone else!!

What conclusion can I come to with that eh?  No one likes me.................... I've helped these friends thru so much over the years...put myself out,
skipped work to help..been there at 3am, when a violent boyfriend is banging down their door.... but when i just need a friend to listen, or help me let of steam, and have fun..... where are they????????   Laughing behind my back and trying to get away from me!!

So, I've let them know in a text earlier tonight, that I'm sorry and they don't need to give me a second thought anymore, and that I love them all dearly.

It's sort of made me feel better... knowing I've told them to 'go away' in a sense, so I can feel that I let them go, instead of thinking they don't want me!
Slightly warped maybe.....

So, now just to wait, til I can go and no longer be a burden to anyone...think the only persons left I'm a burden to now...is the state!! lol

I have tried a few times these last 5 months to go, mainly during the summer holidays when my daughter was with her dad... but I've either ran out of tablets to take..or passed out before I could take enough..have slit my wrists only 2 weeks ago...but that failed..not deep enough I guess....can't even get that right...
I text a friend on one occasion, and asked them to see if I was still alive the next evening... if i didn't reply then just send the police over, so my daughter didn't come home and 'find' me...they said they would...but they didn't...(i ran out of pills so failed) they never even text me for another fortnight...maybe they were waiting for the obituaries to be printed, so they could throw a party! lol

but I've been saving it all up...and I have a litre of vodka, and enough pills to kill an elephant now...just waiting for the right time....
It'll either be in 10 years when my daughter has left home(just like my grandma did with my dad) or when she is away for an extended period...but as her father is in the RAF, i don't know when that will be....I just hope it's soon...xmas pressies are all done...letters written...so I'm all set

To be honest I'm not sure I can wait til then

Anyhoo...I dearly hope that you all find your peace and your lives and full of love and joy once again....I hope you all succeed, where I have failed

Love to you all
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

P's  I'm not writing this for anyone to respond, i don't expect you to...just had to get it off my chest, cos there is no one else to listen
...and wanted to wish you all the best xxxxxxxxxxx

[Leo]

I know you aren't expecting a response - but I think you need one. To know there are people that feel the way you do, you aren't alone.

I know the sting of bad friends, done all the supporting and got nothing in return. All my so called friends shyed away from depression.
Now I have a very low tolerance for people - annoy me once and that's it, I have no time for you. I tend to keep people at arms length to avoid feeling rejected.

I really think you need to speak to your GP again - I know what they are like dosing up on tablets as a solution. If you don't think that will help - take your self to A&E - you usually get a mental health assessment with a mental health team.

Finally, I urge you to think of your daughter. I know the grief of losing my mother - regardless what age you are it destroys you as a person. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.
I know the pain you feel and the need for escape - think of your daughter and what you would be leaving her with.

Sometimes it helps to vent on here with people that understand. You aren't alone.  *()

[Pip]

Please speak to your doctor.  You would be missed if you commit suicide and think of your daughter, she will be devastated if you killed yourself.  I do understand over friends they really don't understand.  They probably don't know what to say to you.

[Michael Frankum]

Dear Cat69, please know that you aren't alone. You seem to be going through hell, but you wouldn't want your daughter to go through the enormous loss that your death would be to her. Friends are often scared by talk of death and depression.  You are obviously a good caring person who is going through some awful things, but there can be better times. You DESERVE better times. You deserve the love and joy and peace that you are wishing for others. I know that alcahol is a depressive, but maybe a small vodka with orange juice might encourage you to let off a bit of steam about the people who seem to be taking from you but never giving. This is a good and safe place to swear, even if the bloody website bleeps out all the f***ing good ones! (SEE?) Please be sure that there are people who can understand just how badly you're hurting. People who care. Best wishes.

[dave208]

You may never have met any of us on this forum but you are with friends we are all suffering in one degree or another. To share your thoughts and what you are going through helps. As for your so called friends that appear to have abandond you at this time, are they really friends? dont give up and stay strong you will get through this  *()

[cat69]

thank you all for your ever so sweet and kind words....

I feel better after writing what I did, and I do feel better, that you all have responded :-)
Means alot   %^%

i do think of my daughter...every minute...it's the only thing that is keeping me here...I'll be trying to stay for as long as she needs me, but If things get any worse, i will be no good for her anyway...

I saw my doctor today..well, a different doc, cos mine was unavailable...my dad came with me, and we seem to have gotten somewhere!!   &(*

My doc is almost ready to retire...and I think he is an little indifferent but not unsympathetic to mental illness... but the lady I saw today... in her 30's and new, I was actually asked, what seemed the right questions...and I've told her more than i have any before her...which felt good... so I guess they've had better initial training in it??!!

AT LAST she is referring me to a psychiatrist...after 5 months!!  and instead of me having to go back every fortnight, has signed me off for 3 months..
She said she is marking me down as urgent, so I should see someone this week...they will have to call my Dad as I won't answer the phone..and they will come to  my home...thank goodness...couldn't bear going somewhere new and starting it all again!

Only worried, that I live in a different catchment area to my docs, and registered with my parents address, because I have been with them for most of my life...and didn't want to have to wait for my medical records to be transferred and endure a new environment, and new docs on my own...I think it would have taken me a few attempts to get past the door!!!  lol

Thanx again Michael, for your perfectly written words of comfort, as usual  %^% ....I could try the vodka, just worried, I'll be worse for the evening...whenever i've drunk alone, I'm even more ready and willing to walk out in the middle of the night and find a nice big speeding bus!!

Thank you everyone for letting me rant and not feel like a leper, and a complete waste of breath

Take good care of yourselves  *)* *)*

[Pip]

Oh I am so thankful as I have been worrying about you today.  I can go to bed knowing you have had some success today with talking to a doctor  &(* %^% 

[captainkeefy]

Oh dear,

Please don't hurt yourself anymore. I can't stand it when people feel like they can't go on anymore, I wish I could sit down with you and show you how special you are. Sometimes life gets too much especially when you feel as low and as lonely as you feel now. Please go and see your doctor and tell them how you are feeling right now. You really Deserve to feel better than this, you really do.

You need to realize that you are as special as anyone in the world and just as important! I understand that sometimes people hurt us or make us promises that they don't keep. I know that sometimes when we need others most that they turn their back on us and it's always when we need them most. But the thing I've come to learn is that a lot of people are intimidated when they come across somebody with depression and they don't know how to respond to somebody who admits they are thinking of killing themselves. It's human nature to be scared, we all get a little scared sometimes.

Please go and see your doctor tomorrow, tell them that it's all getting a little much for you at the moment and ask if you can see a councilor. I know it can be a little intimidating to go and see a stranger and tell them how you really feel, but they understand and they can help you. Please you deserve to feel better than this for you and for your little girl. I bet that your are the most important person in that little girls life and I'd hate to think an illness got in the way of years of you and your daughter being happy together.

Big hugs and kisses to the both of you!!!!

[bookletters]

Cat69, I hope you have a good night sleep, I am really pleased that you have gone to see your doc and had a much better experience.
This happened to me too (old doc, ready to retire, couldn't care less) vs. young doc who listens and does what you need to get better!!
Hope you get better very soon xxx

[Michael Frankum]

I'm glad that you got to see a Dr who actually understood your situation and is starting the help that you deserve. It's good that you are in a better place now, but please remember that this is a safe place to let off steam. I'm sorry about the vodka suggestion - I get tipsy on winegums! Just take care of yourself - you are important.  %^%

[Leo]

So pleased you have had good results with your new doctor! Makes such a difference when someone really listens to you!

Keep us updated of how you are doing  %^%