Okay, here goes (might be little long)

[captainkeefy]

Hi All,

I went the doctors a few weeks ago about my feeling down and low on energy. I find I get this a lot which comes in waves, my GP gave me a questionnaire which I filled out and gave back to her and she told me I have moderate depression/anxiety. I'm putting this down to low self esteem and confidence issues. I walk down the road and think strangers think I'm weird and at worst think for no reason that if I say hello people could do something like head butt me or something like that, does this make sense? Anyway I have my own business and find it hard going as I don't like going looking for new customers in case one turns on me and has a go at me or something. I put off speaking to people and let them down, I miss appointments because I don't feel I can face them. I need to deal with this but I've started to spot the signs and hopefully I can deal with it better. This is the third time I've been the doctors and been told I have depression so I want to get it sorted.

I've decided it's time to confront my problems and deal with them. I hope to get them out of the way then help my wife do the same so we can have a happy life together.

[Pip]

I suffer with low self esteem as well so find it hard to talk to strangers as well. 

[Zaf]

I'm the same

Z xxx

[nocaph]

Hello!

I think one of the things that should be addressed is if the low self esteem/confidence is causing the depression or actually coming from the depression (i.e. a symptom of it) or a bit of both, things tend to happen in vicious cycles like that.  How come this is your third time at the doctors?  Have they suggested anything yet?

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome :). I also suffer with low self esteem. S x x.

Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk

[bookletters]

Yes nocaph, with depression and mood disorders in general, there seems to be a lot of the chicken and the egg. Do I get depressed because I am too critical of myself OR do I become critical of myself because I have depression....
CBT says what you think affects how you act which affects how you feel....
Even if the depression comes first in the egg/ chicken scenario, I really think you can avoid feeding the depression and therefore get better. You need to ensure your meds give you the kick start though as I personally can't do CBT without the meds helping first!

[captainkeefy]

The first time I got diagnosed with it I got discharged from the army. The second time was when me and my wife lost twins, there was massive complications with the pregnancy and we had to end the pregnancy. After this I went the doctors and told them how I felt and they again said I was depressed.

The other day I was feeling really low and couldn't face work so I went the doctors and told them how I felt. The GP gave me a self assessment which I filled in to take back. The GP told me that my symptoms are of moderate anxiety and depression. I find I can't face people at times and once this happens I start putting work off, then once I do this I don't feel like doing anything. My mood drops and I don't eat, can't really sleep. I get about 5 hours a day for 1-3 am to about 7-9, usually about 3am-7-8am and I don't feel like shaving or washing and I loose all motivation and doing a small task like doing the dishes seems like a massive chore that would take days to do. Once I have a few days away then I start forgetting I have to deal with people my mood starts to lift and then my mood starts to raise back up. The doctors told me that my depression won't respond to medication and they have put me in touch with the local psychiatric services and I will be going to do some therapy. I feel a lot better since they told me this, it's like now I can start working towards the end. I hope I can learn how to build my self esteem and confidence. If I could just speak to people like a normal person without feeling like everyone wants to confront me I'll be fine.

[Zaf]

Your feelings are very typical when depressed, I'm glad your doctor has referred you for some therapy, I hope it helps

Z xxx

[captainkeefy]

Hi All,

Since I went to the doctors and had a chat and came on this forum I've been doing a lot of soul searching and been doing a lot of research on the internet. This has really helped me.

First off I have been looking at Maslow's Hierarchy of needs and I think that I have not been paying attention to myself and this has really had an effect on my mood.

My wife suffers from depression and from what I've read about I think my wife shows signs of PTSD and BPD. Now I know I'm not a Psychiatrist so I am not claiming to be diagnosing anything, I know that she has depression it has been diagnosed 4 years ago and is still present today. I am starting to think that her depression is the by product of something else that she has wrong with her. As I say, I think she is showing signs. The things that stand out to me is the things she says, chronic loneliness even when my attention is given all day, feelings of boredom, unable to spend time in the house, Feeling tired a lot. I find that her wants and needs are constantly the centre of our conversations although if I bring up something I want or need her attention disappears really quickly. My computer has been described as my mistress and also my phone but I only ever use them when I'm bored or feeling lonely. I'm constantly criticized which has made me very over critical of myself and also her anger can come on really quickly if I disagree with her which has led me to feel like I'm walking on egg shells all this has eroded my self esteem and confidence.

This last week I have been paying more attention to myself and how I feel and My moods have gone right up. My confidence has gone up and my self esteem is coming back. I've been thinking that I need to start thinking of my own needs as well as my wife's and if I don't then my confidence and self esteem will slip and then my mood will soon drop to the point where I won't be eating or sleeping and that horrible feeling of self hate and of letting people down will return again. 

 

[Buttercup]

Hi

Maslows hierarchy of need is really interesting and the good news is that recent research has shown that the bits that are missing for a particular person can be filled & made up for. It used to be thought that if you missed out on these needs as a young child it was too late. There is a while scheme called THRIVE that is being put into schools and is based around these theories.

As for your wife, I think that you need to sit down and have a very long and difficult conversation about your concerns. If I'd faced up to the issues controlling my life before things would have been easier. That said, it won't be easy and be prepared for her to not understand and initially may go into a self defensive mode.

Xxx

[captainkeefy]

Hi Buttercup,

Thanks for the advice, with the things on Maslow's Pyramid that stood out for me. These things where present during my childhood. Love, affection, recognition of achievements, that kind of thing. But now in my adult life they are no longer around in my immediate life. I feel like I'm never shown love through affection, intimacy. My achievements are never pointed out although my failures are constantly reiterated. I set myself goals to achieve and I find that things are quickly placed before me that hinder my progress. This gives me a sense of despair although I keep pushing, it does feeling like I'm running in custard. Eventually I think forget it only to have it pointed out I failed. I find while I am trying to achieve something in my life I get little support actually I find that my wife is quite the opposite. I started my own small business in the spring and set myself financial goals. It was my wife who said I should quit my job to set my business up to which I pointed out that I wouldn't be in a position to pay things like insurances, bills and things like that. I was told that this was fine with her income that we could pay them. I left my job and started up and was really flying at first, I was smashing goals I'd set and it actually looked like I was going to be very financially successful. But then my wife announced that I would have to pay all my bills. I felt like I'd fell from a great height and my mood dropped. I picked myself up and started building again, then I was told we couldn't afford to live so I'd have to put money on the table. I said that this wasn't possible as everything I earned needed to be put into the business to help it grow. Then there was an argument, I pointed out that we had already agreed I wouldn't have spare money out my business for at least a year. Obviously I had had a conversation that only I had taken heed of. In the end I felt like packing in but I haven't, I've kept going with little motivation. But straight after this all happened it was announced "I don't think I love you anymore, I think you should move out!" So we discussed this and it turns out that I was not paying enough attention to her, so we had the usual conversation of how she needs more attention and how I need to spend more time with her (sitting on the couch staring at the wall while she watches her soap operas, no touching or talking I might add. If I try to talk there is a loud huff followed by the tv being paused and the look of disinterest followed by "you finished now?" before the tv is restarted. When these are finished it's off to bed for my wife while I have to sleep on the couch (8 years, I've been there.)

All this setting up targets and then not achieving them made me feel like I have delusions of grandeur, which led me to believe I might have bipolar disorder, however I thought well maybe if I had a push in the right direction instead of "my cars being serviced today you'll have to drop me off and pick me up" type things I would be able to get on with it a little better. All in all I felt like the family dog but then I thought nope that analogy is wrong because the family dog gets petted and praised for good behavior. I just get accused of lying and cheating, get told I need to book my ideas up or I'm out. While all the time I'm treading on egg shells, constantly praising her and sucking up to her. Listening to the constant "People are horrible creatures." "You can't trust anyone." "If you trust someone they will hurt you." "What you want to have sex, your a weird pervert!"

Unfortunately the old me has come back over the last week and the old me ain't treading on no egg shells. The old me don't really take poo from no one. The old me has self respect and the old me don't put up with no crap. I noticed this on my birthday, I got asked "Are you for real?" without making eye contact, without even fully thinking about it I blurted out "Is this a rhetorical question?" then she stopped and glared at me and said "what did you say?" I turned and looked at her and said " You asked me if I'm for real, are you?" She ran out the room screaming "Your a bastard, I hate you!" I know it probably sounds mean but I know that my wife wears a mask like a brick wall and behind that lives my insecure, scared wife that I fell in love with. It was like I was her knight in shining armour when we first met, then the walls went up and I was the same as everyone else, out to hurt her. But it's only when I get round this wall that I get to speak to her and usually that means confrontation of some sort.

To be honest though I don't know if it's worth the hassle, she tells me a lot that she thinks I should move out only to come running to get me when I do. I'm sick of running on empty. I think I should put myself first and then I really think my life of anxiety and depression would be over. I would be able to start working on my life rather than on someone else.   

[nocaph]

Hey captainkeefy,

That was kinda heartbreaking to read to be honest, even though I have no experience of marriage I can try to sympathise to some extent with how awful it must be trying to shift your priorities contrary to your comfort and even your recovery.  I wouldn't kid myself into thinking I'm in any way qualified to offer advice on such a complex/intricate situation of which I have no experience, but I guess I can offer a few more general words.  Firstly, I think you should give yourself a lot more credit than you are doing about how well you were doing with the business, and remember that it was out of your control that problems arose with that... I don't think those were delusions of grandeur at all, I think that was ambitious progress that unfortunately went awry - but you should learn from what you saw yourself you are capable of. 

And I would say distancing yourself from yourself, i.e. splitting your personality into "the old me" and "the current me" can be very dangerous for your mental health.  Once you start compartmentalising like that you lose your identity.  Try and see yourself as a whole, you are just YOU, and you know you're a constellation of skills, deficits, good points and bad just like everyone else, not some now-defective model that will never or struggle to work again. 

As for the relationship situation, I can't really justify myself commenting there because I don't have enough experience of long-term relationships, but have you considered perhaps third party-intervention, a way in which someone can sit the two of you down and break through the stubbornness we all have to analyse what's going wrong where?

Hope you're ok :)

[Buttercup]

There comes a point where you do have to address these issues and this could be by doing numerous things.

There is a lot of unreasonable behaviour on your wife's behalf and I think that you both need to tackle these, although I suspect that she will be defensive to begin with and things may get worse before they get better.

You need to look after yourself in all this, have you talked this through with your doctor?

Xxx

[captainkeefy]

Hey, Nocaph. I understand what your saying about dividing myself into personalities. It's more of an example of how I used to respond to things when I had confidence. I understand I'm still the same person I can just see myself acting differently through lack of confidence and self esteem.

Hey, Buttercup. I agree that these issues will have to be faced, I just can't see any positive way out of it for myself. I can see it causing a massive explosion of temper followed by a massive blame game. I've started considering living apart, get myself a life back and then see where it goes. Don't get me wrong I'm not blameless I can be a pain in the ass myself but the way I see it at least I'm willing to change. Well I don't think I'm willing to change anymore, I've had enough of being miserable to keep other people happy.

[Buttercup]

Don't get me wrong I'm not blameless I can be a pain in the ass myself but the way I see it at least I'm willing to change. Well I don't think I'm willing to change anymore, I've had enough of being miserable to keep other people happy.

I think there comes a point where you do have to put your foot down & say enough is enough.

As for not being able to see a positive, I completely understand why and can't see any conversation being remotely easy. It's almost a conversation that you need to have with a professional there as a third party. Perhaps you could discuss your concerns with your GP, they won't discuss your wife but may be able to offer a way of broaching it with her, you'll probably have to talk in scenarios.

The fact is that this is now having a deep impact on your life.

Take care xxxxx