im really struggling now

[Maru]

Ok, I don't know how helpful this is going to be, but I can tell you a couple of things that might make you reconsider what you're thinking about.

1. To your children, you are irreplacable. I know this for a fact. No matter what happens, you are their father. I don't know how old your kids are, but theres a good chance that they're oblivious to how you're feeling, in their minds their is no such thing as "replacing dad". Losing you would break their hearts.

2. Trying to end your pain with suicide will only breed more pain, not only for you but for everyone around you too. Also if you think about it logically, the releif you may think suicide would bring is an emotion, you can not feel emotions if you are dead, therefore suicide can bring no releif.


I hope this helps... I realise I don't really type coherent sentences, brain doesn't work like that for some reason   but maybe you can get the general gist of what I'm saying, or typing.

[bel]

Hi Junior,

For days I've been trying to think what to say to you, and now Maru has said it brilliantly....

...nothing to add, except to send all good wishes for you.

bel x

[junior]

Thank you both, not sure if I have said tha im living at my dads house or not, there are lots of hints about me moving out, I dont have enough money to move out all I get is 60 pound a week from job seekers, its just one thing after another for me.
Junior

[junior]

Im sure the anti depressants are making me worse, I feel like im going round the twist, I cant concentrate on anything or think straight, the nights are getting so hard to cope with now, I think about death all the time and I do think about suicide but not everyday more passive suicide than doing it myself. I cant keep going on like this but maybe I do deserve all the pain I feel, physical pain is so much easier to deal with than mental pain. I miss my family and the plans we had for the future, now im stuck here in a small house sleeping on a sofa, why cant my life just end? I pray for it some nights but nothing happens, im exhausted now. The other day a truck almost smashed into the front of the car and I felt so relaxed and calm about it, was that wrong? I dont know but it would have made everyone else happier in the end.
Junior

[junior]

Im drunk again tonight more than most nights I miss my family so much im not taking any more anti depressants they are just messing me up more so theres no point to them I have spent half the night texting louise and it felt so relaxing and just like the old days making hes smile with some simple words which in turn made me smile god I miss talking to her the way we used to talk I feel so confused because I would give anything to have my family back together but on the other hand I dont want that and Couldnt cope with it for many reasons why cant I just fall asleep and not wake up again I only ever talked honestly to louise and now have no one im finding it so hard not to tell hes me true feelings im such a mess my life was so perfect just a few months ago now it Couldnt get out worse christmas is almost here and I feel so rubbish about it I have never spent the day without them in 12 years I cant do it louises birthday is on the 25 of this month another day I have never missed or can cope with missing sorry all think I need to stop talking now junior

[Maru]

It sounds like you need to talk to your doc and get your meds changed, I don't have much experience with them personally because I never took mine, but I've heard that there are alot of different kinds and that the wrong ones will just make things worse or do nothing

[junior]

Hi maru, I dont feel better but I do feel a little clearer today. I dont think I will go back to the doctor again, I have had anti depressants twice now and both times they have made things harder for me, im not going to try and end my life but im not going to try and do things safer either, if it happens it happens if not well thats just something I have to deal with. I didnt sleep very well last night I think it was because I drank so much but on the upside I didnt dream.
Junior

[lightenup]

Hi Junior glad your feeling a little better.  Its taken me 4 type of different anti depressents before I have one that seems to be working.  Unfortunately I have seemed to hit the floor as past 10days but I know it is because I have taken an awful cold and a vomiting bug, but hey these things normally make us feel down.  If I drink my sleep is always disturbed take care.

[junior]

Thank you lightenup, ive been up and down today but not as bad as when I was taking the meds, might just be a better day or hopefully it was the pills making things worse.
You might be low because the pills you take are being brought back up?
I hope you feel better soon.
Junior

[junior]

Most of today has been good but now its getting late im missing louise, I know that you all say with time it will get easier but even after everything thats happened between us I still love her, the confusing past is as much as I miss her and love her I dont want us to be together, can anyone understand what I mean? Im going to try and sleep soon and I hope I dont dream again.
Goodnight all.
Junior

[junior]

Well I didnt dream again last night, but didnt sleep much either as my kids are here and they are both ill.
I dont feel as good as yesterday but that might be from no sleep.
Hope everyone is ok today.
Junior

[junior]

I took the kids to the park today and my youngest one pointed at someone and was saying louises new partners name, I have no idea if it was him or not but with those words all the good feelings I had were gone, my boy was more excited to see who he thought it might be than having fun with me, dont think I could feel any worse right now

[lightenup]

Or look at it another way maybe they would like to show him who their real daddy is.  Kids do like to show off and maybe they would like to show you off   Also you get the time on a Saturday to do the nice/fun things with them like take them to the park.   

[junior]

Thank you lightenup, my youngest is only 2, I have my boys from friday untill sunday and this is the first time I have felt strong enough to take them out, its not the first time louises partner has been mentioned but this time it hurt even more as he was so excited about it.
I just want to cry

[junior]

Im a little more calm about it now, as much as what happened hurt its just tough sh!t and something I need to get used to, it just felt like I cant even make my kids smile even when im trying.
Junior