im really struggling now

[junior]

Im sat here with enough pills to end it all, i dont drink and haven't for a long time but brought some as it make them work faster or so im told, im all alone and cant go on, i did take alot lastnight but nothing happened other than feeling really tired all night and day, i dont want to be found untill they have the effect i want, im not saying what they are as i dont want to be the one one telling people "how to do it" so to speak, im thankful for all your kind words and sorry i couldnt help everyone.
Junior

[Michibelle]

Junior,

You have been a help to us all.  I sincerely hope that you remained the strong person that you have been to date and didn't take the pills because I would be deeply saddened to think that there was one less good soul on this earth.

Please get in touch soon.

Michibelle x

[junior]

Hi Michibelle

I am still here, i did take them but i dont think i took enough as i just feel sick today.
Junior

[Michibelle]

Hi Junior,

I know it may not be a relief for you, but it truly is for me.  I really wish that there was something I could do or say to help you.  Just please talk to someone about how you're feeling and try to keep strong and stay afloat.  You can be happy again.

Michibelle x

[junior]

I did call the samaritans lastnight it felt good to talk about my problems with someone who didnt judge me for what ive did but i still feel the same way about my life and a few hours later i was taking more pills i woke up today and the first thing that was on my mind was and here we go another day of hurt and pain and then came the tears.
Junior

I didnt mean people on here dont understand or were judging me, i just ment talking one to one.
Junior

[People Always Leave]

Hi junior -

I know exactly how you feel - i google things like that all the time - well more so lately in the last few months! I've had this 'plan' of how i would do it ever since i was 11 and i've never told anyone not even my doctor can get it out of me. i think its comforting to know that no matter what I've still got my 'plan' and any moment i could end it all but you what i keep telling myself - only one of two things can happen tomorrow - ill wake up and ill know instantly whether its a good day or a bad day but i wont know till i get there - you just have to believe youll get there even if its a good day and you spend it in bed or if its a bad day and you struggle to get through it - tomorrow might be a good day but youll never know till you get there. rite now i have more bad days than anything my life is a daze right now i havent been able to get out of bed for nearly 3 months so your not alone lifes crap and sometimes i wonder if things will ever change but there's one day when you realize you're not just a survivor, you're a fighter, you're tougher than anything life throws in your way.

Its good that you rang the samaritians and it helped - you should of rang them back chances are the second time it would have been someone different - i wouldnt even have the strength to do that - you see your stronger than you think!!!

Bare with it - everything happens for a reason and tomorrow might be better!

Good Luck
 

[junior]

Hi People,
I have thought about a lot of ways to end my life, pain free ways take a long time and im never alone long enough,
that why i took so many pills because no one knows what i have done, to be honest im not sure how im still here as people have died from just one of the smaller od's i have taken.
When i phoned the samaratins because i wasn't alone in the house at the time and was scared what i could do to myself, the bloke was very helpful and understanding but i dont think anything could change the way i feel about my life.
I dont feel well and i know its my own fault but i dont want to make things worse for myself,i took them to end my life not to make it harder.
Junior

[junior]

Its been a while since my last post in this, I have been to the doctors and was given anti depressants to be taken once a day and diazepam I can take that 3 times a day but I have been taking more, then make me feel nothing which is just as hard as feeling depressed but if I didnt take the pills I wouldnt be able to get past the weekend. Thats where I am right now.
Junior

[bel]

Hi Junior, I've been reading your posts since before I joined. You give such great advice and support to others. I know it's hard to help yourself though. Don't know what else to say, except hang in there. Thinking of you.
bel

[junior]

Thank you bel,
I like to help the best I can but like you said I cant take my own advise no matter how good it might be, I think its because I have gave up on my own life and dont care for or about myself.
Junior

[junior]

I really wish I could talk to louise right now and tell her just how much I miss and love her. Im sat here in a room full of people holding in the tears and wrighting this on my mobile phone. Everything I see or hear reminds me of the love we had together, im more that lost more than just broken without my family they were and still are everything to me, everytime I felt low just a simple hug and smile from louise made all the pain go away. Ive been taking diazepam and I think its wore off now so I can feel again, everything that I ever loved and wanted has gone and im left with guilt pain and regrets, I have my life and dont want to keep going with out my family I dont have the strenght to do it either.
For now I have the diazepam to numb these thought so I think I will take another one now. I dont have many left and cant get anymore as the doctor said I need to wait until the 30th of this month because I might just overdose on them and shes right I know I would, for now I have enough to just ease the pains. Thank you for reading my post.
Junior

[junior]

I only have 2 diazepam left now, if I had more Parcetamol I would try to end it all again right now, I really cant cope much longer ive had enough of everything and myself.
Junior

[bel]

Please don't give up.

[junior]

Hi bel, hope you are well.
I have taken my diazepam and its eased my thoughts slightly.
Last night I rolled over and tried to put my arm around louise but as you all know she wasnt there the only thing I found was all my feelings flooding back.
Im not in a good way at all right now and just want all the thoughts and pain to stop, but I dont think it will, how do I stop wanting and missing the only things I ever wanted and loved, the pain is just too much and now I have no diazepam left to help.
Junior

[Cazkitten]

Junior, I'm so, so sorry to hear you feel so crappy. bel is right, you've been there for others, your posts cheered me up on that thread.
Please don't give up. Talk to the Samaritans again if you need to.
I'm glad you went to the doctor, you can go back if you're still not OK, or you can always go to a walk-in centre.
Please don't do anything stupid. It will take a while for the anti-ds to kick in.
'This too shall pass' - and I really hope it does for you, and you feel better.