im really struggling now

[junior]

im really low right now, for the past 6 months i have been thinking about suicide 
not sure if i can say that on this forum, sorry if i cant.
ive spent most of the night looking for pain free ways to do it.
i dont have anything left in my life now and if it wasn't for the fact there are two other people here with me right now i dont think i would be wrighting this.
i have no one to talk to even the people i i know i haven't told how im feeling, i think some of them might have worked out that im low.

[Ezel]

You've done the right thing being honest and it sounds like you have hit rock bottom.  Please, please see your doctor and be honest with him or her.

[junior]

thank you but im not sure i want help, everyone knows theres something wrong and keep asking what it is, i tell them that i just need some sleep, its not really a lie as im lucky if i sleep for over an hour a night,i spend most of the night thinking and just cant sleep, how do you tell someone you love that you feel dead inside and having the thoughts that i do? i dont want to say how i feel as i dont want to hurt anyone but i hate lieing as thats just not me.

[junior]

I havent posted much on here due to talking on another forum, i am really struggling now.
I have been taking an over dose for the last three night not enough to end my life but enough to hurt me.
I cant take anymore now im physically and mentally exhausted, the pain never ends i hurt when im awake and the few hours sleep i get i dream about all the hurt inside me.
I think about not wanting life anymore and how much i want to end it and i feel calm and relaxed about the thuoghts i have, i dont know how to explain it, i just want it all to end.
Junior

[Abztract]

Hey Junior,

Your post really concerns me and I really do understand how you feel. I got all my anti depressants out and a bottle of wine for a few nights in a row and it was only on the fourth time that I realised I had done this before! That was when I realised I needed help!!!! I emailed the samaritans and somehow I got through. The fact that you have done this for the past three nights is worrying but take from it that you have always had the power to stop yourself before it got too far. This MUST mean something!

I'm having an ok day today and so can see things with a little more perspective but I really have been where you are now and ended up with a really bad stomach due to overdosing just enough to feel pain.

I'm here if you need to talk!
Abztract! +=-

[junior]

I was taking them to numb myself at first but knowing that they could cause organ problems in a bigger dose.
They did numb everything and helped me sleep a little the first two times, but the third was just pain.
I just want everything to stop but it just gets harder everyday, i wake up and cry, i go to bed and cry myself to sleep, i have started taking the pills in the day now so i can try and ease just a small amount of the hurt but nothing works.
Junior

[Michibelle]

Junior,

I don't want to sound like some kind of therapist, because I'm not, but have you thought about what it is that's causing you so much hurt?  I think it will always be a struggle to cope until we face up to the things that are bothering us and making us feel this way (for those of us who can pinpoint a particular reason or issue).

I understand why you are taking the pills and why you think they will help, but at the end of the day the effect of the pills will wear off eventually and you'll still be feeling the same pain that you were to begin with.  Perhaps trying to understand the way you feel, talking to a member on the forum or a friend or family member about what's going on would help you?

I know for me, I've started feeling more optimistic since I admitted to myself that I have issues that have to be dealt with.  I have so many issues that I always thought I had taken care of, but it has become quite apparent to me in recent weeks that all I ever did was try not to think about them and bury them away, try to make myself believe that things didn't happen.  I completely disassociated myself from my past so that even when I did think about it I didn't feel any pain anymore...Memories of my life for the past 8 years feel like I'm watching a TV show, it just doesn't feel like me.

But recently I have realised this and since I have decided to try to work on it, I can feel a little bit of optimism creeping back into my life and I can see that when I start to deal with my issues that there is a way out of this woeful existence.

I hope you too can find some optimism and somehow understand that you are too precious to not be in the world anymore.  You are strong enough to have resitsted this far, so please, don't give in.  You can get yourself back.

[junior]

I dont know all the reasons for my depression but i know things have got worse lately.
I have thought about suicide for a longtime but never get any time to myself.
What do you do when you have given up on life and everything in it and no one cares, i dont leave the house and no one comes round, the very few times i leave the house is just to go to the shop i live in a very small town and need to drive to get anywhere but everytime i get in the car i dont put my seat belt on and dont feel safe.
Junior

[lightenup]

Hi Junior ........... i am good now (taken a few drinks, so the fog seems to clear a bit, and I can preach, tomorrow I know I'll not practice this) personally I have had the day from hell, been questioned for 35 mins by solicitor regarding a tribuneral.  I am all wrung out, but the worse thing is that like yourself on a few occassions i have overdosed ok by a little, we all know what we are doing at unfortunaltly at the time we feel we are right.  We are wrong ..... my stomach has grown larger due to this and I feel I can taste the meds, all due to this happening.  But my point is today my husband is now aware of this, he couldn't understand that why he couldn't wake me for nearly 18 hours, but I knew and couldn't tell him at the time.  However I don't understand why but when I write on this forum I know everyone understands and I am not alone.  Please please don't put yourself through this someone will help or ring samaritins.  Sometimes I wish more people were more vocal on this site because we can help each other if it is just knowing we are not alone in this illness ................ as  a person who have never experienced this illness will never really know. %^&  I hope you understand my drivel take care.       

[junior]

I fully understand Lightenup,
I know what its like to feel alone when you have people around as no one understands or you just cant be bothered to talk.
I have my kids every morning and dont want them to see me in physical pain and thats why i havent taken anymore but its hard not to,tonight is the fourth time i have taken an overdose and i feel so numb inside now, i know its not going to fix my problems just add to them but ive had enough of everything now.
The forum has helped me go on too and i am thankful for that.
Junior

[Jess]

Hi Junior, I've just finished reading your posts and honestly i was nearly in tears. I know how hard it is to find the strength to continue with life, i'm going to be a huge hypocrite and tell you that you do need to talk to somebody, i'm here if you need to speak with somebody, i'm on facebook as Jessica Alcorn, the girl with a chicken on her head. Here is my e-mail adress also   ich-liebe-pet-rocks@hotmail.co.uk    . Even if you want to talk about the weather, i'll be there.  Thank you for your kind reply to my post. Speak to you soon xx :)

[junior]

Thank you for your reply jess, im sorry it hurt you to read my post's, i do pm a few people off this fourm but i feel like im making them feel worse or just adding to their depression.
Im dont talk to anyone about my problems or thoughts because im the type of person that would help other people but dont care about myself, if i could take everyones depression in this world and keep it for myself i would.
Junior

[junior]

I hate the nights they just get harder, i haven't stopped taking the pills im not sure how many nights and days its been but its been a few now, im not sure if they have even had an effect, other than confussion, brusing, muscle pain and tiredness.
louise came here today in alot of pain with her tooth and back and i couldnt help but feel for her, i wanted to help but couldnt,i miss her and i love her but feel sick when i look at her knowing that she is with someone else, i just want my life to be over, i cant take more pain but there isnt an easy way out of life when you have no money or dont go out the house, i go to bed everynight wanting it to be the last time i fall asleep, the amount of pills make it feel like it is but i wake up every morning with tears in my eyes knowing its going to be another painful day.
If life was a job how many people do you think would have quit by now? i know its not the same thing but its how im feeling and just need to say it out loud to someone, my life is over and has been for a long time but now that i have lost the family i love so much i have no reason to stay, everyones life would be perfect without me and it shows as i see and talk to no one and thier lives are fine, my life hasnt been all bad i have had good times too but i will never have them again, im not even sure i do want them again, ive just had enough and cant take anymore.
Sorry if this post has depressed any one of you in any way, i just wanted/needed to say how im feeling to someone other that myself,i lay in bed talking feeling like louise can hear every word i say but knowing she cant it might be the pill or maybe im just going loopy i dont know, i dont care i just want to wake up and all my life had just been a dream, i know its not going to happen but i need to sleep.
Junior

[Michibelle]

Junior,

I just wanted you to know that you have had a positive effect on so many people on this forum, including me (and I've only been a member for the past few days).  Your understanding, wisdom and empathy has helped me to see that opening up doesn't have to be as difficult as I make it.

I'm not sure if that changes how you feel about your life or yourself, but I just wanted you to know that even though I don't know you from Adam, you have had more of an effect on me in a few days than most people I know have in a lifetime.  So please don't feel worthless -- you are important, and I can guarantee that there are MANY more people in this world who would be devastated if you were no longer in it.

People like you give me hope that not everyone is inherently bad, and that can only be a good thing.

Stay well,
Michibelle x

[junior]

Thank you Michibelle,
Its good to know i can still help people even when i feel the way i do, i hope you continue to feel better about yourself and your life, their are few good honest people in the world today and they all seem to be on here.
Junior