To loose your Mother when you were still so very young, must have left its mark on your life, and then your Brother dying so suddenly, is completely unimaginable for me. I’m 50, but fortunately, have never had any significant experience of bereavement. All I can say, it’s no wonder your spirit has been dulled and you feel you’ve retreated within yourself.
The relationship with your (ex) girlfriend, Rach, sounds like it was a really good friendship.... your first love. Believe me, in another 30yrs time, you will still remember her, but the hurt and pain will have long gone. This sort of hurt has a habit of hardening us and can cause a lot of insecurity. After all, who wants another broken heart?
It’s perfectly natural that you’re trying to protect yourself. Try not to worry too much, because once you're on top of everything again, your whole outlook will change and develop. When the time's right, the right girl will come along.
Sometimes, trying to analyse ourselves when right smack bang in the eye of the depression, is not a good idea. We always have a very negative perception.
You have come a long way, through some very rough times. To say it eventually affords you a real genuine depth to your spirit and character is little comfort now. But, life experiences do have the habit of moulding us. The fact you have enough compassion to work in a nursing home, especially at your age, is proof of that.
What gets me through my toughest times, is the belief that it is all for a purpose. That the person I’m in the process of becoming, is more compassionate, understanding, non-judgmental….
Hope you manage a good sleep
