experiences needed - depression in the family

[nickemj]

Hi all
This is my first time on this forum and wanted to share my recent experiences with like minds.

I have atypical recurrent depression which started when I was 14.  My mother also has unipolar major depression (with psychosis) and is currently a psychiatric inpatient.  She has been a patient for 2 years and this is her second admission in 6 years.  I am her only form of support which puts an enormous strain on my mental health. My father, who separated from us when I was 2-3 and who I recently re-established contact with, also has depression.

I have been seeing a counsellor 5 times a week for the last three years which has helped keep the black dog from the door mostly.  However, work is my main trigger - especially feeling that I am useless/incompetent in anything I do (regardless of how any positive feedback I get) and that I am going to be found out/criticised/sacked and never able to work again.  I have been off sick from work and left more than one job as a result of this panic as I put immense pressure on myself and worry about my performance constantly.  I resigned from one job in Feb due to stress, worry and depression.  After a few month break, I started a new and very challenging job in July.  I then got married in september.  After coming back from honeymoon a month ago I totally crashed, was unable to work and have been signed off work and put back on SSRIs (which I'm devastated about as have been off meds using talking therapy alone for the last 3 years).  The thought of going back to work, explaining my mental health issues etc and taking up my current role terrifies me and I want to run away again though I know I can't keep doing this.

Friday, I just found out my wife is pregnant.  I am delighted, but terrified of passing this horrible illness onto my child.  I also feel under immense pressure to keep a regular/steady employment in order to support a child.

Any advice and similar experiences would be very welcome.  I'm still off work and desperately trying to get my head back together.

N

[Pip]

Congratulations that you will be a dad, you also have a wife that loves you.  I haven't been through what you have but it is a real fear that depression will be passed on.  You do know what it is like to suffer with depression, you do have medical information so that in itself prepares you for you child possibly suffering with depression.

[mat]

I can understand your work situation and ill admit it now that I am embarrassed about anyone finding out about my depression.

As I have said before everyone has major ups and downs. I had a major down 2 weeks ago. It's all part of the cycle. And I understand what you are going through.

You have a baby on the way and I understand your worries about passing it on to the child but you need to try and think positive,  that you have something to look forward to, something to focus your mind on and that's your child.

[bookletters]

Also, depression can be hereditary BUT it doesn't mean your child will get it at all!
You know the illness so you will be able to help your child through it if they develop it. They may never do though.
Also, remember that science is making huge progress (look at for example GLY-13 and the use of  TMS and Ketamine) so by the time your child is an adult, maybe depression will be cured in a few hours!!

[nickemj]

Hi

Thanks so much mat, pip and booklettters  for these replies and good wishes.  I am delighted about the prospect of becomming a father and do feel at least I would be able to recognise the signs symptoms in my child early on and seek help.


Will look into GLY-13 and the other things you mentioned bookletters, many thanks! Hopefully there will one day be a cure!

[bookletters]

Scientists are moving fast, the fact that ketamine can make severely suicidal patients go back to normal in a few hours brings tons of hope for future treatment.
Bring on GLYX-13 trial results in december!!!!

[Sweetpea]

Hello and congratulations on becomming a dad  &(*.  I do believe depression does run in families, myself and my brother and sister all suffer, but my parents didn't and myself and my sister have 3 grown sons each and none of them have shown any signs.  But I am always worried that it could affect my boys.  But being a sufferer myself I would know the signs and be as supportive and loving to help them through it.

S x x x x

[nickemj]

Hi Shaz
Many thanks.  It's really helpful to hear your experiences and that your children have grown up without this.  I worry a lot about what kind of father I am going to be and I fear that I am going to be a rubbish one, which makes me panic.  I also feel under pressure to really get to grips with my depression as I don't ever want my son/daughter to see me in one of my downs/panics.  How did you manage this with your children? 
Take care
N

[Zaf]

I too think depression can run in families, my mum and I both do but my sister and her children dont, it wont necessarily stricke your children

Z xxx

[nickemj]

Thanks Zaf!  Wish I knew why some people get it and some don't.  Take care, N

[Sweetpea]

I did not begin to suffer until the youngest was in high school.  I did keep it from the boys and put a brave face on for them.  But they eventually found out and were just wonderful.  Very understanding and supportive with me.  I have to say I was very proud of them.

S x x x x

[bookletters]

I have wondered too what kind of mum I am going to be having depression etc... but at the end of the day, as long as you are open with your children and explain the situation, they will help you and not think less of you at all!
When I was growing up I saw my mum suffer from an anxiety disorder and phobias. The anxiety wasn't always there but as I was never told what was going on, I remember thinking "mum can be a right pain, she is so neurotic and always making a fuss". Now that I have depression (and anxiety as part of depression) I am now able to say to my mum "I am so sorry, I understand what you went through now...." We still had a very happy family life and I love(d) my mum to bits.
My advice to you is: don't hide it from your children and teach them to be compassionate and patient with you when you need help. I wish my mum had told me more what she was going through, it would have been easier for me to help her and be there for her.

[nickemj]

Thanks shaz and bookletters for telling me your experiences.  That's good advice and idea of not having to hide it does make me feel less nervous.  Thank you!
N

[Catbrian]

I've often wondered about this theory of depression being hereditary.  Lke many on the Forum, I have a mother who suffered depression all through our childhood and even today.  I'm not sure if it is as much hereditary as it is learned behaviour.

Like the others, I would think your own knowledge and awareness will be the best attention your child could ever hope for.  Congratulations... I do hope everything goes well .  Sorry to read your feeling down about the meds again, but think of them as a crutch to help you on the road to recovery.  I'm quite sure you'll be able to return to the "talking route"

Best wishes, Cat

[nickemj]

Thanks Cat.  Am unhappy about the meds but hoping they will kick in soon.  Are you on meds at the moment?  I was in fluxotene last time and hated the side effects.  Now on citalopram which seems to have less side effects but doesn't seem to be doing much. The thought of going back to work next week is terrifying.

Sorry to hear you mum has depression too.  Mine becomes convinced each day that I am dead (she has recurrent depression with psychotic episodes), so I have to call and reassure her each day that I haven't died.  Feel so sad she is caught up it and I worry that this is the way I will go (and my son/daughter).  My wife's mum has schizo-affective disorder and is in a care home.  Makes me so sad and worried.

Sorry ...... bad day today!