hi everyone
although i tend to try and keep an eye on the posts here sometimes it's a bit counter productive for me so i stay away for a while this is going to be fairly long (i think at the mo) post but please bear with me as it always helps when i vent a little i had med alteration a while ago now and i'm on venlafaxine dosulepin and mirtazepin and after a little back and forth i'm what i think is only marginally better although the weight gain as a result of a sweet tooth that had previously remained hidden is very unwanted the good i guess outways the bad i have done schema work group and individual therapy (i know i'm repeating things but i guess alot of people are new) i know a big thing for me is defectiveness and this may be a part of my current issues there are others such as emotional deprevation, unrelenting standards,vulnerability and failure these all play a major part in everyday life for me anyway on we go i still struggle with everyday thoughts of dying and i'm not sure it will ever be addressed to my satisfaction as it's obviously one of lifes certainties but that aside i struggle at the moment and have for some time with the problem of not knowing if i feel love the way others do i'm not sure if i love my children for example which is a concept i can't get my head around i feel i should give more emotionally to my wife and kids but i can't if i think about it life without my wife would be desolate yet do i feel what i should or should i feel more i know these are not easy questions but this what swims around my head i know as a child me and my siblings were not shown love and my father used fear and my mother used emotional blackmail so it was not a healthy upbringing having said that i'm sure others were worse off than me i've learnt through therapy that my childhood set some very powerfull schemas in motion but i struggle to aply what i know as all these feelings just seem to strong i mean am i a loving husband and parent and do i feel love as i should or am i as emotionally numb as i think i know i am going on a bit but i hope some of you may have some answers is it a mental issue or is it the medication i really don't know what else to add as i'm struggling to organise my thoughts today so may have to add or revise this post
