Hi all,
I stumbled across this forum as I was trawling the net for some help with my depression - I have only had a brief look through some topics so far but it is really helpful to hear stories from people suffering in the way I am!
Basically my problems all started about 11 years ago, when I was 16, as I got into my first serious relationship that lasted for 9 years - unfortunately though the relationship was a tremendously violent and abusive one. I loved my boyfriend to death, I'd have walked the ends of the earth for him, and as a result (added to the fact I was so young) it was easy for him to completely control me. It took me 8 years to realise that he would never change and that the violence would never go away. It took everything I had to leave that relationship - especially as I didn't WANT to leave, but knew I had to, for my own safety. Anyway that was 2 years ago that the relationship ended, and yet I've never been free from it. I have so many issues, doubts and fears from that time - and I still miss my ex even now, stupid I know.
It's not been helped by the 2 relationships I've had since - one was a very close friend of mine, who was married - bad of me, I know, but I was so vulnerable and he took full advantage of that, manipulating me every way he could (not that I could see that at the time - hindsight is a wonderful thing). I thought he loved me and we would be together properly - it felt good to feel happy after so long - but of course it was not to be, he was never intending to leave his wife. And the second relationship I had was with someone who ended up sexually assaulting me

An absolutely terrifying experience, and one which I did nothing about at the time, and I regret that now.
So basically all of these bad experiences have built up in me over the years, I was so good at hiding and burying my emotions, it became a part of who I was. But recently I've had to move cities, alone and away from family&friends - and this has triggered off all my problems coming to the surface, and as a result developed really severe depression - I think I am 23 out of 25 points on that silly little questionnaire the GP makes you do. I have been on citalopram which didn't work and am now on mirtazapine, 30mg - but this too does not seem to be helping (although it has significantly improved my insomnia that accompanied by depression) and as a side effect from the meds I have gained so much weight, which is making me more depressed. Many people I know who have had depression have seen real benefits with taking anti-depressants, but they just don't seem to work for me - unless I have just not found the correct one for me - does anyone else have experience of having to try lots of different types?
I am just so down and feel so isolated&alone, I can't stand feeling the way I do. I have always been a bubbly outgoing person, but this depression has just taken that all away and I'm like a different person now - it scares me. I have problems with self-harm - have done my whole life - and am finding it really difficult to control now. I cry nearly every day and I get no joy out of anything anymore. Work is extremely difficult as I don't have the type of job where I can easily take time off sick, and it's quite a pressured job which really overwhelmes me at the moment. I am starting counselling therapy on Friday, and occy health at work are arranging for me to see a mental health specialist, but at the moment I feel like I'm never gonna feel happy again. 11 years of hurt and pain have just opened up upon me, and I don't know how to deal with those feelings or move on from the past. I am plagued by my memories.
Anyway - sorry for rambling on - I just wanted to share my experiences really and maybe get some advice from others goin through similar things. They say it's good to talk.
Thanks for listening.