Hi All,
I was here back in the summer, mainly waiting upon a psychiatrist's appointment and then dissecting what she'd prescribed after it finally happened. Now, however, I'm back here because very sadly, en route home from a family holiday, my father fell ill on the plane and died 3 days later in hospital. We (myself, my mum and my sister) were with him when he died and were able to experience that as a family; awful, unbearable, unbelievable but maybe, somewhere down the line, transformative and powerful.
His funeral was 'good' as far as funerals go. I stammer but got up the courage to read a poem for him, the donations floored us and we've been inundated with support. On the flip side, my sleep is in bits - Zopiclone is knocking me out at the moment though I'm not sure how reliant I should be upon it - and my employer has refused my request for a phased return, so I have to go in and see them, armed with a union representative.
Interestingly, I've not taken any of my anti-depressants since he died. Not for any particular reason. I guess that they were in my suitcase which I didn't unpack for about a week after he'd died, and I just haven't picked them up again. I feel okay, largely. Good moments, hideous moments, of which I've had a few of late. But I'm getting up every day and getting out every day, even if it's just to walk the dogs or see my mum.
It helps - to a degree - that he wanted to go. He was, in his own words, 'ready.' He wasn't particularly old nor particularly ill but he was tired of it all and I suppose there's no medical treatment in the world which can counter such sure-footed free-will. If I could have him back, I would, I would in a second, but that would be for me, not for him.
It's just over four weeks; ridiculously early in some respects, probably all respects.
Some people have been terrific and I may have found new 'friends,' in terms of the degree to which some people have been absolutely brilliant. Others, people who I regarded as close and important have floundered and disappeared. I was very angry with them at first but am now trying to focus on who IS around, who IS looking after me or my mum or my sister. Employers, people who are crap about death.....I suppose the world goes on and they're all part of it. But I do feel that some big changes may evolve out of this. Am trying not to be hasty, however.
I just wanted to share on here because whenever I shared in the past, people were fantastic and I hope it's not a burden to place on posters here to once more, share what I'm going through
With much love
TC
