Author Topic: My Father  (Read 2032 times)

TomCrick

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My Father
« on: October 17, 2012, 09:52:29 PM »
Hi All,

         I was here back in the summer, mainly waiting upon a psychiatrist's appointment and then dissecting what she'd prescribed after it finally happened. Now, however, I'm back here because very sadly, en route home from a family holiday, my father fell ill on the plane and died 3 days later in hospital. We (myself, my mum and my sister) were with him when he died and were able to experience that as a family; awful, unbearable, unbelievable but maybe, somewhere down the line, transformative and powerful.

His funeral was 'good' as far as funerals go. I stammer but got up the courage to read a poem for him, the donations floored us and we've been inundated with support. On the flip side,  my sleep is in bits - Zopiclone is knocking me out at the moment though I'm not sure how reliant I should be upon it - and my employer has refused my request for a phased return, so I have to go in and see them, armed with a union representative.

Interestingly, I've not taken any of my anti-depressants since he died. Not for any particular reason. I guess that they were in my suitcase which I didn't unpack for about a week after he'd died, and I just haven't picked them up again. I feel okay, largely. Good moments, hideous moments, of which I've had a few of late. But I'm getting up every day and getting out every day, even if it's just to walk the dogs or see my mum.

It helps - to a degree - that he wanted to go. He was, in his own words, 'ready.' He wasn't particularly old nor particularly ill but he was tired of it all and I suppose there's no medical treatment in the world which can counter such sure-footed free-will. If I could have him back, I would, I would in a second, but that would be for me, not for him.

It's just over four weeks; ridiculously early in some respects, probably all respects.

Some people have been terrific and I may have found new 'friends,' in terms of the degree to which some people have been absolutely brilliant. Others, people who I regarded as close and important have floundered and disappeared. I was very angry with them at first but am now trying to focus on who IS around, who IS looking after me or my mum or my sister. Employers, people who are crap about death.....I suppose the world goes on and they're all part of it. But I do feel that some big changes may evolve out of this. Am trying not to be hasty, however.

I just wanted to share on here because whenever I shared in the past, people were fantastic and I hope it's not a burden to place on posters here to once more, share what I'm going through

With much love

TC

Sweetpea

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Re: My Father
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2012, 03:27:59 PM »
I am so sorry for your loss. Some people find it hard to know what to say to someone who has lost someone. %^% for you. S x x x x

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Pip

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Re: My Father
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2012, 12:27:05 PM »
Sorry for missing this and also condolences on your loss.  My mum died 18 months ago and for a while some people wouldn't talk it with me which I put down to not knowing what to say.  Death of a loved one is a difficult subject to talk about.  I was fortunate in respect of my in laws as my mother in law died in 1999 so they were very supportive ~  their dad had died back in 1983 before I knew them. 

bookletters

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Re: My Father
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2012, 02:46:56 PM »
Of course you are not burdening anyone by posting Tom, you are most welcome here and your post was beautifully written.
Some people think when a close relative passes away it's best not to talk about it as it may make the person feel very sad. Some people don't know what to say and prefer to just act as they would normally and talk about the weather! In any case, it's not that they don't care even if it can look like it.

Michael Frankum

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Re: My Father
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2012, 05:06:19 PM »
Dear Tom, I too am sorry that I missed your post before now. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that you have been able to share your feelings with others. I have always had a problem with death in general - I never know the right thing to say, and I always take death as a personal judgement on me, so although I do care deeply, I find it hard to act in an acceptable fashion. Even now I am thinking that this post may be a bad thing. I'll stop now, but please know that I am genuinely sorry for your loss, and I hope that things have become just a little easier for you. Best wishes.

TomCrick

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Re: My Father
« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2012, 12:06:47 PM »
Thank you all for your lovely replies. It means a lot to have a place where I can share.

To Michael - thanks for what you wrote; it helps me to understand that whilst people may struggle with death, either in concept or actuality, that it's not something to necessarily take personally. And your post was NOT a bad thing and I'm glad you posted it!  %^%

To Bookletters - thank you for writing what you did and the compliment on my writing. I'm trying to get up the courage to go back to a previous career as a freelancer, so all encouragement is most gratefully received. Again, more perspective on how other people see death helps me - thank you x

To Pip - I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your mum  %^% Death of a parent is just, I dunno, nothing prepares you for it, does it? Although all death is awful and has its particular awful niches. The emerging lesson here is not to take peoples' inability to approach you about it as a personal slur, that maybe they just don't know what to say. I go back to work this week and am in some ways dreading it whilst also looking forward to it. Will just try to stay strong and save my tears for either the loo or the train home!

To Shaz - thank you for your lovely cyber hug and kind words xx

Michael Frankum

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Re: My Father
« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2012, 02:13:55 PM »
Dear Tom, I am thinking of you. Best wishes for your return to work. I hope that you can stray strong when you need to be, and are able to find comfort when the time is right for your tears. Michael