Hi everyone. Looking for help/advice.

[carlos216]

Hi everyone. I guess I am here looking for answers as to how I feel at the min. I haven't been diagnosed with any form of depression or mental health problem but the way I currently feel after the break up of my marriage certainly indicates there is a problem of some sort. I am happy to go into further details of my position, background etc with anyone who gets in touch as I feel talking helps me feel better in myself. I dont know if anyone else finds talking helpful. I look forward to hearing from someone who is willing to listen and maybe pass on some sound advice to help me as I dont know how long I can remain feeling as I currently do.

Thanks

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome  *()

I think talking and sharing our experiences helps a lot of us here

Z xx

[carlos216]

Thanks for the welcome Zaf

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome :). S x x x x

Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk

[carlos216]

Thanks Shaz

[carlos216]

Well I thought I would update on how I feel and how things are going. I had a job near to where my wife and daughter live yesterday so I text her to ask if I could pop in to grab a folder I needed and possibly see my girl. She didnt reply which sent a multitude of thoughts going through my head. I even tried to call but again no answer. I had to fight the urge to just go to the house and eventually sent her another text saying that it wasnt a problem and that I would call when I got back to where I am currently living to say goodnight to my daughter. The call to my daughter was short and sweet, it was nearly her bed time and she was tired (shes only 3) so I was only on the phone for about 5 mins. I know my daughter doesn't understand but I treasure any time spent with her or time on the phone so I was a little bit gutted it was such a short phone call. Anyway, I have on a number of occasions asked my wife if she will attend marriage counselling with me so we can talk things through. She has refused point blank about the marriage counselling which again leaves me thinking if she actually wants to work at things and make things right again between us. I dont think she realises just how much this separation is affecting me both emotionally and physically. When I am sat on my own with too much time on my hands many thoughts pass through my mind which range from suicide, running away, is she with the guy she kissed, is she as upset as I am, the list goes on. Every time I start to feel ok in myself something pops into my head. So many thoughts, scenarios etc just kick me back down to earth and make me feel so low.

[Sweetpea]

%^% for you. S x x x x

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[Catbrian]

Hi Carlos.... For what it's worth, I think your response to the wife, not answering your request to collect something, was dealt with very well.  It would've been easy to just go round there.

It must be very difficult to be apart from your little girl.

It doesn't sound like you've told your wife the full extent of your emotional turmoil, or that you're sure of how your wife feels.  Is this something you will have the opportunity to discuss in the future?  I don't know if her refusal to attend counseling is a reflection on whether she wants to sort things out.  Some people just don't see the point in therapy.  Maybe her reluctance just needs a little time and space to work things out for herself.

I hope you're doin ok tonight $%$

[Pip]

Hi and welcome  +-_

[carlos216]

Thanks Catb,

Today I have been up and down again in the mood stakes with the various thoughts popping in and out of my head. Regarding the way I dealt with my wife not answering my texts yesterday in order for me to pick some items up, I have to make these sensible decisions in order for us to go forward as any conflict will not help the situation. When she does things like this it infuriates and frustrates me immensely and I would love nothing more than to go round to the house and kick off but I know that this is not going to help in any way so I have to fight that feeling and walk away so to speak. Tonight was frustrating too and once again I have had to bite my lip but this has left me feeling down and frustrated once again. I sent my wife a text asking if I got some tickets to a pantomime at Christmas if she would be happy to go along with me and my daughter (so we can have 'family' activities together). She replied that she had already got herself and my daughter a ticket to the same pantomime through her work at a discounted rate, which is fine apart from the fact if I hadnt asked I wouldnt have known about it. She has asked if she wants her to get me one too which of course I have said yes but the thing that is really bugging me is like I said before, if I hadnt suggested it myself would she have offered me a ticket or told me she was going with my daughter? I feel like she is trying to push me out of my daughters life when she does things like this and it is killing me. I dont know if I am over thinking the situation or if my feelings are valid.

[Catbrian]

I would say both feelings are valid and very justified.  I don't know the full situation, but picking fault in current behaviour wont help either of you in trying to move forward.  There seems to be a lot of ''what if's''.... I think you have enough to deal with without conjuring up more aggravation for yourself.  At least she asked if you want a ticket, albeit after you asked her.

Biting your lip is difficult, especially when there's heightened emotions.  On the other hand, frustration and suppressed anger are known to cause depression.  Giving her space is important, but so is talking things over honestly.  It sounds like you don't know where you are and not knowing your wife's intentions, probably isn't helping.

Have you asked to sit down and talk over everything that's been causing problems?

Hope you manage to stay cool-headed  $%$ You're doing well so far

[carlos216]

I have managed to stay calm so far but when I get back to where I am staying the situation plays on my mind and pushes my mood ever more down.
She text me this morning and said she has been able to get me a ticket which made my day, coupled with the fact I had the first full nights sleep in over 3 years (due to a bad back) I feel really good this morning. I am trying my hardest to give her the space that she seems to want. I have sat down a couple of times to talk with her in the early stages of the break up and ended up arguing and I made threats to report her and the guy she kissed to their work (they are military) which as you can imagine went down like a lead balloon. As I have said before, I only made the threats due to my frustration at the whole situation and the fact she cannot tell me in black and white what exactly she wants and whether she wants a divorce or to make a go of things. I have also asked her on numerous occasions if she would sit down with a marriage councillor to discuss our problems and her reply was 'if you knew me at all you know I wont talk in front of strangers'. Again this added to my frustration as I am constantly suggesting possible solutions to our problems but seem to hit a brick wall every time. This of course just aggravates my mood and sends me spiralling into a depressive mood. She blames me for being crap with money for the split (were in no significant debt and dont have the bailiffs knocking at the door or anything like that) and after finding out, I blame the contact she had with this guy on the split. We do seem to be making a little progress by being civil to one another but like the incident with the panto tickets yesterday, my mind goes into overdrive and continually pushes me into a depressed mood. Thanks for the support so far, putting this all down here and having someone listen is helping so much and making me feel a little better.

[Catbrian]

It’s good you’re finding the Forum helpful.  I think writing’s a good source of therapy and sometimes it can help when we listen to someone else’s point of view.  It’s so easy to get embroiled in our own one-track-thinking.
 
That is brilliant news about the tickets.  She could’ve easily said there were none or put it off for a while to make sure they were sold out.  Hopefully, it says a lot about her willingness to keep things open between you.

Maybe she can’t tell you exactly what she wants, because she doesn’t know herself.

I think her feelings about counseling sound valid and perfectly acceptable. 

It sounds like you’re both blaming each other for the split.  I’m sure the reasons run much deeper than her contact with another bloke or you being crap with money.  Perhaps it just needs a little more time for the emotions to settle before both of you can listen to each other’s point of view.  How long have you been separated?

[carlos216]

Hi Cat,
We've been separated now for about 3 weeks. Things seem to be getting easier as time goes on but when I do have to talk to her it is like I am walking on egg shells. I am trying my hardest not to say anything that will start an argument as I know this will push me back into feeling the way I have recently. I still have dark days where things pop in to my head, some are justified, others are not. These obviously do not help my mood at all and I have found myself over analysing everything.

[Catbrian]

Sorry, Carlos, I've not been around for a few days due to a bad downer.

Feeling you're walking on egg shells is not a good place to be; it makes you and probably her, uncomfortable.

Going back to the place where you now live is bound to play on your mind, especially if you're not too happy with the surroundings, and it doesn't sound like you are.

How is everything now?  Hope you're doing okay