Give me a reason not to

[Jess]

Everything has been relatively ok recently, had my very few ups, and many many downs, but otherwise alright for me that is, yes suicide has constanly been on my mind, i still have my suicide letter, as i cannot find reason as to discard it.

Today has been particularly bad, it started of ok, i went for a long walk with a friend, nearly got run over which honestly did not bother me, but then i get home and my mother hs grounded mefor being 15mins late even though i notified her. Then to top it all of, my friend then text another friend with a very inapropriate message, which caused much uproar.

This i not a teenage rant before you steretype me due to my age. I understan the reason for this site, this incident has affected my mental stability once more.

Any comment are welcome

Thank for reading, Jess x

[nix2828]

hey Jess :)

Are your parents aware of how you feel? can you talk to them?

Nix xx

[Jess]

I wish they knew but they spend their time showering my younger siblings in love and attention, i do not have anybody to talk to as i do not have the confidence to express my emotions outside of this forum x

[nix2828]

well its good that you can recognise your confidence levels.

I think you should try and work on getting the courage to speak with your parents. I hid away from my parents for a long time. And when i told them, it helped be begin the fight.

Obviously i dont know what your relationship is like with them, but i think that its def the next step you need to take.

Much Love

Nix xx

[heatherm2211]

Sorry for such a late reply, I've been really busy lately so I've not been on here in a while!

But I hope you are alright Jess, remember you still have me to talk to on Facebook or on here, wherever is best comfortable for you. Eventually you'll find that opening up can help, its always better when people are aware of what you're feeling!

But try your hardest not to give up, I understand completely where you are coming from, but if you can hang on longer, I promise that things can get better, I know this because I seeked help and I'm feeling 10 times better in myself because of it.

The first step is just opening up to someone, you don't have to go crazy! Just a little bit, whether its a friend, a parent (like mentioned above!) or maybe your Doctor, anyone you feel comfortable with, and they should be able to help you out, even if its just a little. Then once you've opened up a little bit, the more help and support you can get, and that will feel a little bit better in itself!

Hope this helps, I really hope that you take care.
Remember you aren't alone in this, we are all here to help. %^& Lots of love xxx

[Jess]

Thank you Heather, so sorry its taken so long for a reply. I'm feeling much better now, i've actually had a few days without thinking of sucide which amazed me, thank you so much for your support it means a lot to me xx  %^&

[Cazkitten]

Oh Jess ((((Jess)))) I'm so glad you're starting to feel better over the past few days.

I've been there with the up-and-down. All there is to do is just to get through the bad days by reminding yourself, this too shall pass. It will. Had a &$%+ty few days just now myself, but am on the up too.

Agree with the previous poster, please talk to your parents.

And yes, remember you have this forum, please keep talking to people here. xx

[heatherm2211]

I'm really glad you are feeling better recently too! 

Maybe you could use these few positive days to try and talk to someone about things? Because I know its a lot easier to talk to people when you're feeling a little bit more positive, therefore a bit more confident!

I know that talking to people can seem daunting, I thought this for years!

But when you actually just give yourself a little push, maybe plan what you want to say, once you've done it, you realise that its not as scary as you thought and you'll feel better for it! I don't know whether you feel like that, but it was just a thought  :)

And honestly no worries, thats what I'm here for!  %^&
Take care okay? xx

[Michibelle]

Hey Jess,

I just wanted to say that I read your posts yesterday afternoon and I think you are truly inspiring.  You are such a young girl with so much pain and anguish, but you keep fighting on.  You have so much strength, and you're obviously so intelligent and articulate.

Your thoughts about suicide touched me deeply...I would probably have cried for you if I weren't reading your posts in work.  I hope that you continue to feel better about things.  I understand completely that you can't talk to your parents etc about how you're feeling.  I feel the same way.

I know I should talk to someone, but I can't bring myself to say the words.  I can't admit to myself the way I feel so how can I say it to anyone else?  I don't want to be a failure, I don't want people to know that I'm weak.

I don't want to be that person who just struggles with life and can't cope.

But unfortunately I am, and I have to accept that.  I think in order to move on, we have to accept the way we feel first and foremost -- chatting on here to people feeling the same way is a massive help.

You can PM or email me anytime you like, if you feel like chatting mbrann13@caledonian.ac.uk.  Well, same goes for anyone on here reading this.

Keep fighting Jess, you are stronger than you think and you can beat this.  Things WILL get better, but first you have to believe that they can.

Stay well x

[junior]

Jess, its good to hear your feeling better now and i hope you continue to get better.
Junior

[Jess]

Thank you for the kind replies, Junior and Michibelle, for the past few weeks i've been feeling ok, but lately im back to verging on suicidal, i'm contemplating telling somebody in person about my emotions.

Thanks again on all the lovely responses, they are what have kept me going.

Love Jess, xxx

[junior]

Hi Jess,
you are young and have a lot of life ahead of you, you should talk to someone or your doctor, you can be happy, i might not be the best person to give advice but i am good at listening if you feel the need to talk.
Junior

[Michibelle]

The fact that you're thinking about talking to someone about it shows that you want to deal with your problems, and I think that's half the battle.  I bet if you talked to someone you can really trust you would feel a million percent better. 

Just remember that it doesn't have to be your immediate family, you can talk to your doctor, you can call the Samaritans.  When I went through my worst period of depression it was my Aunt who helped me through it because she had suffered in a very similar way.

Talking really does help -- the difficult thing is getting yourself started which is what I'm struggling with at the moment.  But once you do, it will be so worth it.

I hope you keep thinking positively, and keep your chin up.

 %^&

[JMS]

Hey Jess

Someone might have already suggested this but have you tried writing down how you feel, like keeping a diary? I started doing it a week ago and have found it helps a huge amount. As well as writing down the bad things write the good things too. You might find there are more of them than you think. The first time I wrote in mine I filled 3 pages, I do it at least once a day every day.More if I'm upset through the day, but usually do it at bedtime. I have a lot of people I can talk to, but no-one I tell everything to. At least this way everything I feel is put out there instead of being kept inside.

You can also look back on it later and see how far you've come

[Jess]

Hi JMS, thank you for your reply, i do write down my emotions when times get really tough, although the fear of someone finding the book has prevented me from writing down everything. I do find that writing at night is much easier and calmer then attempting to write during the day.

Thanks again for your reply, hope your doing ok :)

Jess x