I've been keeping a diary on my mind for a while now and how things are going. First things first, I've not been to a doctor about any of this so I've not been diagnosed with depression.
I wrote this morning as my mind has started doing different things. I'd had around 4 months without any issues at all after 6 months of being low and last week it started again. This time it's different, though. Instead of a constant downer, I'm getting strange ups as well.
Here's what I wrote this morning. I'd be interested to know what you think is actually going on, if it's serious enough to worry about and any advice from those who are/have been in a similar state of mind.
Thanks for reading.
-----
I've not been diagnosed with depression for the following reasons: 1, I've not been to the doctors to get a diagnosis and 2, I may not be as bad as I think.
It's a confusing time in my head at the moment. I go to sleep at night wondering just how I'll be the next day. It's like waking up in a mystery world. Even when I'm laid in bed before getting out of it I don't know how I'll be for the day, hour, minute.
Last week, I was sat at my computer at home, got up, turned round to go top the kitchen to get a drink and thought, "I'm lapsing into it again". This was after around 4 months of near-total clarity. I'd never spotted it coming before, it just consumed me suddenly. Perhaps I'm learning to manage myself.
Yesterday morning I was very low. Although not thinking detailed morbid thoughts like I was a few months ago, I was on a downer. It lasted around 3 hours after which I was packed full of excess energy. It's very strange but quite interesting too. I could have run and run, shouted and shouted. The afternoon was pretty steady. In the evening I started getting twitchy and hyper again. I went for a cigarette in the garden as I often do and found myself jumping about and running on the spot. Most concerning, I was wondering if I could do a back somersault off of the 3½ft wall in the garden! I decided that I probably could so didn't try, not until I found myself a crashmat anyway...!
I'm finding myself swinging between these two states, one of low mood and deep thought and another of near uncontrollable hyperactivity. During my hyper phases, I sit there chewing on the inside of my mouth and on my fingers, I tap away on my hand, legs or desk, my legs are twitchy, my feet grab at the inside of my shoes or the carpet and, when I type on a keyboard, I overtake myself. I'm tapping my feet and overtaking myself as I type right now, in fact! I quite enjoy it, in a way.
Despite the fact I don't really try to control these things, I don't feel out of control. It's a strange sensation.
Here are some reasons as to why I've not been to the doctors:
Am I really that bad? Compared to others, no.
If they think I have something, are they going to put me on pills which numb my brain. I work in a creative field and some form of madness certainly helped a few people over the years!
At least I'm getting ups as well as downs now. As I said earlier, they're certainly interesting.
I'm not finding myself doing anything out of the ordinary or acting any different around others.
I've told my fiancée about it at last who seems to get it.
I'm generally a laid-back and independent person with no prejudices around mental illness so I wouldn't mind being told there's something wrong with me by a doctor if that's the case. I just don't feel it's a requirement to act upon this right now and managing myself is giving me a sort of purpose, I suppose, as strange as that sounds!
I'm keeping an eye on myself, anyway.
