Hi everyone,
Back in about March this year, I plucked up the courage after years of on and off depression and anxiety to go and see my G.P. I was in a total mess and she prescribed me Citalopram 20mg. It seemed to work initially and I was beginning to feel a bit better.
A few weeks later, my Mum was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive type of cancer. She is fighting it now and as it stands has about a 50/50 chance of survival. I run a small business with my partner which I will tell you is not easy. We moved away from our friends and family to do this and the combination of all consuming work and no time to socialise and meet other people is very hard.
My partner's mother became very unwell in June and has been in hospital ever since, although she is on the mend now, it has been a huge strain and his father is heavily reliant on us to look after him and give him money which frankly we don't really have.
I went back to my doctor and she upped my dose to 40mg after I started to feel myself slipping down again. I think it began to improve my mood, but never really made me feel back to normal.
My partner is supportive, but yesterday told me that he thinks I am mentally unstable. I am angry a lot of the time, and I am crying again. Nothing feels like it is going my way. I see all my friends around me buying houses, getting married, having families and that's all I want. I'm here in a small rented flat, scrabbling around for money to pay bills, living 300 miles away from my Mum who has a 50/50 chance. I know that I am acting irrationally a lot of the time, and getting disproportionately angry with people about stupid things that happen at work, but I don't think that I'm behaving to madly for someone in my situation. I want to have a family before my Mum dies. I know that I can't say for sure she will from the cancer, but sometimes it just feels hopeless. It's not about how much you want to live, or how much you fight. It's just a coin toss.
How can I be feeling so rubbish and taking the maximum dose of an antidepressant? My doctor referred me for CBT right back at the beginning and I went for the assessment. Then my Mum became ill and I couldn't commit to even going to the sessions as I was travelling back and forward to see her to support her during her treatment. I really don't know how much CBT will help me. I just don't feel right. I have never felt right or normal. Always like there is a big bad secret in me that one day someone will find out about. Sorry if I am not making sense. I just don't even know what to say to the doctor. How can I explain it? I just want to feel better. I want to make my business a success and I don't want to loose my partner just because of this stupid depression.
