Hello

[bunraku]

Hi

I am a 42 year old male and have suffered from depression/anxiety since I was 21. I know what started it and where it came from. The issues are the reoccurrences. They used to be every 2-3 years, but lately it’s been every few months. Anything can trigger them off such as my pet dogs death, to having a scrape with the car which makes me feel stupid and a bad driver. Suddenly I just get panicky and a mass of sweat drops appear on my head and that’s it I am in that zone again. I can’t eat as I have no appetite and my eyesight gets fuzzy and I can get to sleep, but I can’t stay asleep and wake earlier than normal. I also get backache,headache and diarrhea I also tend to feel like I am on another planet to everyone else and I am the only one who feels like this. I then start to visualise my death and things like not being anymore and how it wouldn’t make a difference. I don’t want to die I can assure you, but these thoughts upset me and then I start having other thoughts about hurting my family. I even have thoughts about maybe hitting someone beside me at work or even even stripping off naked and running through my workplace, just so people can see I am disturbed and just do something about it. I can honestly say I have never acted upon any of these thoughts ever. My family is the one thing that keeps me going  and I know if I lost them, then it really would be the end for me. But it feels like the end is coming for me, although it never does.

Right now I have been on Venlafaxine 75mg xl for the last 14 years. I have seen counsellors, but these things still happen. Like I said these things have never lasted for ever and I tend to come out of them myself. I don’t want to double my meds or change my routine too much and want to try and come out of this through distraction and keeping myself busy. This always has brought me out of my previous 10ish episode, But I am now thinking I am never going to come out of this as it’s been a long phase and this is making me more depressed/anxious. My main question is how do I forget yesterday or the last month. It’s hard to move on when all I can think about and remember is how I am feeling.

I just wanted to put this all down in words and for someone to read this. My wife supports me, but it’s hard for her to understand. I also don’t want to burden her, especially with my thoughts.

P.S If I eventually come out of this like normal then I’ll disappear of this forum unless I get another reoccurrence. Please don’t think me rude, but I don’t want to be reminded of this phase if that makes sense.

[Ezel]

 $£$ and +_+

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome  *()

My first thought is perhaps it might be worth speaking with your GP about a change of meds as sometimes they lose effectiveness

Z xx

[PaulaJo]

Welcome Bunkaru!

I'm sure you'll find these forums to be helpful in your fight against depression and anxiety. The people on here are supportive and caring, and can relate to where we've been, as they've experienced it too. It's a great place to talk about how you're feeling, anonymously.

I also talk to my other half about my depression, but this forum provides an extra dimension of being able to talk about everything, without feeling like you're burdening anyone.
 *)*

[Catbrian]

  +-_ I and probably most others, can relate to your feelings of despair.  I've not been around the Forum very long but get the impression many members only visit when their depression is going through a bad patch.  Nothin wrong with that, it's perfectly natural and understandable.

I would agree with Zaf regarding chatting to the GP about Meds.  The first thing that sprung to mind on reading your post was that you were probably on the wrong medication for too long.  Maybe you need an AD that might particularly help also with the anxiety.  A lot of people choose the anti-depressant Mirtazapine because, taken at night, it helps with sleep; subsequently, the next day, you might feel more relaxed.

Depression is a horrible illness and, while people like your wife can be enormously supportive, there is always that feeling we all get, that no one truly understands.  That's largely true for each individual, but approaching somewhere like this Forum, can bring a general understanding from others and, I hope, you find as much support as you might need.  $%$

[Michael Frankum]

Hi bunraku. I've suffered from depressive illness for a long, long time. I've found the forums to be very helpful. The people are very supportive and caring. I hope that you find it all as useful as I have. Welcome to a safe haven. Michael

[KateG]

Hi and welcome

Kate x