I'm really struggling at the moment and I just need to let it all out/get some advice. I'm 22 and have likely had depression since I was 11 though wasn't diagnosed until the end of 2010. I pretty much had my teenage years ruined by depression and going a day without wanting to die was a rarity. I still have no idea what 'normal' is.
When I was first diagnosed I was put on meds and managed to chat with a mental health advisor every few weeks, however, the advisor was with my uni at the time who chucked me out because of the effects of the depression not long after being diagnosed thus I lost the advisor. Since then I feel like I've been going round in circles. I end up wanting to run away from myself so I move. I feel a little better for a while but the depression soon catches up and I've either ended up on different meds (I've changed from fluoxetine to citalopram) or on a higher dose. That works for a short time but then it catches up again and once more I'm left wanting to run away from myself so I move and it all starts over again.
Recently I'm once again getting well into the 'run away' stage. I worked out the other day I haven't had a 'proper' friend (i.e. someone you can chill out with, go the cinema with etc.) for 2.5years! And although I've tried relationships they just haven't worked out with one being too far away and another being too embarrassed to let anyone know we were dating. The last few weeks it's gotten to the point where I've lost the little joy I had in things. I've been at a new uni for a year doing a course I worked my butt off to get on and loved but now have no energy for. I just wanted to quit. The one hobby I have, and usually have all the time in the world for, I can't find the energy for and so I've cut down what I'm doing a huge amount. That's the only social contact I have with people. I'm sleeping like crazy at inappropriate times which has been noticed by my uni and gotten me into trouble before, now it's just getting worse and I'm about to start 2nd year. Plus when I'm meant to go to sleep at night I can't actually get to sleep for sometimes hours. I'm avoiding people by hiding in my room all day reading. And I'm starting to get major issues with food.
The whole thing is driving me up the wall and I know something's got to give. It's not as bad during the day when I can actually do something about it but at night I just wish I could curl up in a ball and die. I've been toying with the idea of asking my GP about CBT in case that might help but I don't know if I could get it free on the NHS as I certainly couldn't afford it. I know I'm probably going to have to ask to have my dose increased again or a meds change but I just hate the idea of taking more and more just to get to some semblance of 'normal' which may only last a few months before it stops working properly.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking for in this post other than having a rant about how much I'm struggling. I guess does anyone have any experience of CBT and more importantly does it work? I need to do something as I'm getting so so tired of fighting the crazy in me.
