Feeling oddly calm

[cat69]

Hi all again...thanx for ur kind words last time I posted.  *)*

Had my meds changed to venlafaxine 3 weeks ago...they seem to be helping better than the citalopram.

Strange thing is, i feel so calm, but at the same time, it feels like I have so much trapped inside me I can't get out!  Like I'm going to explode, and am sort of numb.
It's all gone internal....  "£" so has the anxiety, when I'm in a situation where i would normally be a wreck, the only thing i feel is that, say for example, someone is walking behind me, i feel very paranoid, and have the urge to turn around and shout at them to leave me alone.  Or people getting in my way, I just want to punch them....Then when I leave the situation i find i've gauged a deep cut into the top of a finger with my nails, don't even notice I'm doing it!

I was walking along a dock with my family at the weekend, and all I could think about was, how wonderful it would be to just jump in, but I felt so calm about it....everywhere i look i see an opportunity to kill myself, and don't feel scared about it...until when I get home and realise what I've been thinking!

Also, it seems i'm permanently wide awake, unless its been a few days then I'm tired, half hour nap and I'm wide awake again.  Have ended up sleeping on the sofa with the telly on just to make me nod off.  If I go to bed, i just lie there...head whirring with nothing particular! lol

I feel happy (ish) but really want to cry at the same time, but can't.
I've started to cut, not deeply into my thighs, just to let something out...it sort of helps...i do about 3-4 cuts before i feel i've let enough out!

Haven't really got much more motivation for life, but I have completed a couple of things that have needed to have been done for weeks! lol

Am I getting better, worse or what.... feel a bit odd to be honest!

Thanx  *() xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Zaf]

I think you should speak to your doctor about these feelings xxx

[Pina911]

Hi Cat

I am in the same position as yourself. I changed to Venlafaxine 3 weeks ago too and I was on Citalopram before.

What you describe about your feelings are much the same as myself.
I have recently been seeing things out of the side of my eyes and when I turn there is nothing there. This seems to have just been since I changed the tablets.
Also I have been having a lot of thoughts about ways of killing myself - not that I currently want to but the thought pops into my head too often for my liking.

I am getting headaches but these have been there since before I changed tablets.
The sleep or lack of it is my biggest problem at the moment. I am really tired all day at work and in the evening then when I go to bed I am wide awake. Managign about 3 or 4 hours per night at the moment. To be honest this is causing me problems at work as I am too tired to be motivated to work at my normal level.

I am going to the doctors this afternoon and hope to discuss this all with him so I will see what he says.

Just keep positive and try to do some of those jobs that you have put off. =+- Thats what I have been doing. Not easy I know......

Hope you feel better soon

P..

[Michael Frankum]

Hi cat, I'm sorry that the change in Meds has gone so badly. When I started feeling very calm about planning to kill myself, I think that the GP called this a "flattening of effect" or something similar, and considered it worrying enough to refer me to the mental health services immediately, to talk about what was going on. (This was a long time ago so that might not be the right term.) Please try to talk to a professional as soon as possible. and try to keep safe.  !+_

[cat69]

Hi Pina, and thanx...

I too have been seeing things in the corner of my eyes...bit like a big fly going past, but not, if you know what i mean.. glad to know it's not just me.
I have been getting more headaches since i've been on these too.

I've been off work for the last 3 months, so not getting any sleep isn't an issue in that respect...but I do have to doze on the sofa because when I do sleep in bed i sleep for well over 12 hours, (prob cos its been days since i last slept for than an hour or so), not good when you've got the school run, especially when it's about 6am when I do go to sleep!

This morning i finally dozed off about half 5 on the sofa...and got woken at 8 by my daughter... resulting in a mad scramble that had me shaking like a leaf for a few hours when i got back!
Even still, I thought about walking in front of the bus instead of getting on it...would be so easy...the thoughts are constant...at the moment my daughter is the only thing stopping me, but on the occasions i have tried she's been with her dad, and asked a friend to check on me, so she wouldn't find me when she got home... But unlike you, I do actually want to go...had enough and now seem to have resigned myself to the fact that it's going to come very soon, and It makes me feel happy!, calm and content!

I do feel slightly positive, positive that the end is coming...and that has given me a little boost!

I do hope it is just the tablets tho

Good luck at the doc's and let me know how it goes  $%$   Seeing mine on monday.
 %^%

[cat69]

Hey Michael  %^%  +-_

That's a little bit of a scary thought...how did you get thru it?  how are you doing now? much better I hope.

I will tell my doctor on monday and see what he says, not that i feel i care to, if you get what I mean.  But i will for my family's sake.

I must admit, I could do with a bit more support than monthly doctor appointments...so maybe that would be a good thing to happen for me...a friend has just popped over and made me feel a whole lot better...not sure how long it will last tho.

Dreading the coming weekend, as my daughter will be with her dad again... hopefully someone will come visit and make me get dressed and  drag me out, so I don''t actually take steps to kill myself again....sat there in my dressing gown, I have felt the urge to just get up and walk out the door like that and find the nearest hazard!

Thank you Michael  %^%

[Ezel]

cat69, I see things out of the corners of my eyes when I'm low and tired.

[Pina911]

Cat

I went to the Doc yesterday and he has recommended increasing my tablets dose to 150mg of Venlafaxine from 75mg. I am going to start these next week and see how it goes on those.

It is defenitly worth seeing the doctor especailly as you are having thoughts about ending it. Please dont do anything.

I find if I am going to be alone at weekends it is best for me to plan to do something. Maybe this would be helpful for you. I know this is hard to do but it may help you get through until your daughter gets back.

P.

[hopeful]

Cat,

I discussed exactly the same feelings today in therapy. I was deeply distressed about the suicidal ideations and then all of a sudden started feeling dispassionate about it and planning it all calmly, feeling a sense of relief that I would be gone before the end of the year.

As Pina said, this is a bad sign that means you need to review your meds and treatment, which I hope to do next appointment.

Hang on in there and let us know how it goes.

x

[Michael Frankum]

Hello again Cat.  +-_  I was actually hospitalised for a while, as they wanted to ensure that I wasn't any danger to myself. They next started to let me go home for the evenings, and go back as a day patient, but eventually I reacted as I always seem to, by withdrawing from the assistance that I was getting, and then acting like a fool. The mental health teams have always tried to help me, with counselling and medication, but I just get so far, and then run away from the assistance, arguing that I am actually right, and it's the rest of the universe that should change. Not asking much am I?

Please take care of yourself this weekend. Maybe speaking to the Samaritans will help if you can't arrange for a friend to call round. Keep in touch here, because people will be able to offer support and advice.  %^% Best wishes.  $%$

[cat69]

Hello all again...sorry I never replied.

I had a couple of days where I was on a high, but still numb...finally come crashing down with a bump! :-(

Pina, I was put on 150mg straight away, don't know if the doc was going to raise it anymore, will see a different doctor tomorrow, cos mines on holiday... 4th doc I've seen in 3 months...bit pee'd off to be honest!  I did plan to regrout my tiles in my bathroom...exciting eh? ... but I'm going to take a few sleeping tablets and sleep til my daughter gets back.

Michael, Hi :-) ...I did call the samaritans once... think positive they said!  HA!  never again! My close friends who know about what is happening, seem to be keeping me at arms length, don't hear a peep out of them...so i won't bother them!
I always seem to run from help, i don't need it, other people are worse off than me! I do hope you're okay today xx

Hopeful, hey there, hope you are doing ok?  Still feeling numb and just waiting to go...I have no intentions of doing it til after christmas, unless an unmissable opportunity arises in the next month, don't want to ruin xmas for her forever! 

My crash down to reality this morning, my friend who cancelled on me last time my daughter was away, arranged to go out tonight and didn't bother to invite me, even tho she knows I need it....just goes to show how needed and wanted i am in this world...I really needed to cry...but I just couldn't...I managed to find a sharper knife, and it made me feel much better, could get a few tears out after too!

Just waiting for the time to be right, and I'll be gone...

Thanx everyone xxxxxxxxxxx  *)*

[Greycylinder]

Hi Cat69,

I fully understand the suicidal ideations but something must be stopping us and it is our children. I cannot imagine what effect it would have on my 2 grown up children (25 and 18) if I did top myself but I have planned it all in great details. I would book myself into a travel lodge somewhere, place a Dot Not Disturb sign on the door and swallow sleeping pills with vodka (not too much so I'm not sick) and then drift off. This is the master plan. BUT..........I keep putting it off so maybe somewhere I don't want to do it and maybe you don't either. Your daughter needs you. She will always need you because you sound like a good person.  I missed having the support of a Mum and it has ruined my life. Don't do it to her. All things pass eventually. xxxxx

[Michael Frankum]

Dear cat69, please be careful. I want to hear whatever is happening to you, but you need to try to find a way of letting stuff out without hurting yourself. I just feel like screaming sometimes, and I used to punch cushions, but I invested in a cheap punch-ball and it is a very good way to let go. At the moment, my punch-ball's name is David Cameron, but he has many names over the years! Imagine belting that smart-arse Michael!  +-_

[cat69]

Ok, sorry

[Michael Frankum]

Oh cat69, I hope that I haven't upset you. I know that we all need different ways to express how we are feeling. Despite Gender-profiling, as an older male, I have cut myself a lot. I have put salt and bleach on the wounds, but although it can give instant relief it is ultimately unsafe. Please take care. *()