Bad day

[Ruth]

i have not posted on here for a while. i am here because I am having a really bad day and I have no one to talk to about it. I have been on 75mg of Venlafaxine for 4 months and last month was put up to 150mg. I am feeling pretty calm most of the time which is an improvement, but the 150mg is making my body feel numb. It is also making me feel like i have drunk a million cups of coffee but i am still tired. I have told my doc this and he says i need to be on the tabs for a min of 2 years. I know the alternative is far worse and i should just live with it.
I am working on low-self esteem in weekly CBT sessions and I am making no progress. I have managed to establish that I beleive nothing i ever do is good enough and I think I am an unacceptable/unloveable/unattractive person. I already knew these things, now I know them even better, but I have no idea how to go about changing my beliefs to fix them.
Most of the time i am costing along killing time, trying to ignore all of this whilst trying to find an job and get a regular sleeping pattern and attend voluntary work. I have an interview for a part time job on Mon and instead of being pleased with my self for having got this far I am crying because I do not want to go. I know that it will not be awful and it is not the end of the world if it does not go well. I am more worried about what will happen if i do get the job, because it will be yet one more thing to get worked up about that I have to force myself to do.
Nothing is getting any easier. When I look back my life is a series of things I did not want to do and the future is the same. I am lonely and tired of pushing myself. I know that when the interview is over I will feel better, but then something else will happen that will make me feel this bad again. Even with the tablets I am not able to deal with things. I do not want to be like this forever, but nothing works. The more episodes of depression I get the harder it is to pick myself up again. It has been 18 months this time round with maybe 6 months of recovery in between. It is getting to the point were taking my life seems like a reasonable solution to an impossible problem.
No one I know understands how I feel, or why I have not got over this yet. I am tired of people telling me to calm down, or be reasonable or think about things logically. I see things very logically. I know what led to my beliefs. I know that in reality most things are not as bad as I imagine them to be. I know that I am overreacting and i talk to myself endlessly, reminding myself that things are not going to be as bad as I fear. Why then am I so upset? Why is everything such a struggle? Why can't I just let go and get on with my life? I don't know how many more times I can keep doing this.

[Michael Frankum]

Has anyone told you to click your fingers and get over it yet? People who haven't been through your type of problem can at best offer sympathy, but at the very worst can be dismissive and sometimes hostile. It's not easy, the work that you have been doing, and it's not surprising that you feel dispirited at times, but you are taking tiny steps, which may seem imperceptible to you, but seem enormous to me.

I am on meds, and have had all types of help, but have always bottled out before I have to change something. My life at present is having only 2 friends (3 if you count Wedgie - I do), shutting myself away from the world as much as possible and bludgeoning myself into numbness by watching television or checking the internet and doing absolutely no thinking at all. When I try anything difficult, I end in tears or in conflict with others. The support and care of the people on this site has definitely improved my view of life. The people here DO understand some of your worries, and have experienced some of the pain you feel. Not exactly, because you are obviously unique, but the people here can offer support and validation of your feelings.

And please feel free to argue. If you think I'm full of &$%+, let me know, but don't blame yourself for THAT! Many would agree with you. 

Best wishes.

[Sweetpea]

Ruth I do feel for you. I often feel as you do about things. CBT did help a bit. But the counselling I had through MIND helped so much more. I still struggle with dealing with situations. But its easier than it was. I do hope you can get through this. S x x x x

[Ruth]

Thank you both for your kindness and support. I know I am better off than many people and I know I should be thankful for that. Instead I am angry. I am angry and I am tired.

[Ezel]

I think I would come out with some line such as would you put your head in a gas oven if I told you to? No? Then don't tell me what to do. That's just me though and I have had plenty of practise of coming out with lines to shut people up "!+ .  People will come out with all sorts of lines because they don't understand depression.  If there was a cure all tablet for depression we would all be taking it.

Some of the feelings you have about yourself I feel about myself.  This is down to years of emotional abuse so for many years I couldn't get past being unlovable / worthless etc.  For the first several years I was married I believed it wouldn't last but it will be 19 years this year.  It can happen that you will start feeling better about yourself though.  

[Pablo]

I'm going through similar things Ruth, just try nd keep strong

[Ruth]

The "interview" turned out to be a personaliy, customer service and maths test that could have been done on the internet. I now have to go back again Wed. They wanted us back tue, but i have a CBT appointment and I did not want to cancel it. One of my family members told me if i really wanted the job I would go tue and cancel the appointment so i am now worrying and feeling guilty about that.
I managed to breathe through my anxiety and did not have a panic attack which is good as everything was starting to go blurry and I was getting lightheaded and which is normaly how it starts. Other than that it was a total waste of time, except to inform me there are 50 people going for the same job and I am not qualified so I probably will not get it. This should in theory make me less anxious as I should feel less pressure if I have less chance of getting it. If I do not get it though I will feel useless and convinced that I will never get back to real life. I keep reminding myself there will be other jobs. I am pretty articulate, I can only do my best and I should be proud that I went in the first place.Compared to where I was 4 months ago it is a miracle I made it to an interview. I am so so so much better than I was, but I am very aware that this should not be so hard. I am also scared that if I go too far I will slip back again.
I think I am more worried about what will happen if I do get it as it will just stress me out. Then again I really do want it as it could be something I might enjoy and it would be a step toward making me feel useful and functional again.
I really should not be complaining as I really am a lot better than I was. I am trying really hard not to tip over into despair as it will not help. I know I should leave this alone and relax and just see what happens. I cannot do anymore than I can do and it is not worth making myself ill over. Two more days of feeling sick. Baaa. Could be worse. Could be a lot worse.

[Sweetpea]

Good on you for going to the interview.  Its hard to get motivated to do this when suffering with depression.  Hopefully the CBT will help you deal with things easier.

S x x x x

[Ruth]

I'm hoping the CBT might be of some help. If not I am going to the interview dressed as a giant cupcake. 

[Sweetpea]

 &(* we need to see a pic if you do  $%$.

S x x x x

[Ruth]

Deal! I will try not to get the security guards in the shot. 

[Sweetpea]

 $%$  =+-  $%$

S x x x x