I think my depression is killing my marriage

[Tony The Tiger]

hi again all,

I really need to come here more often but, as I'm sure you guys can relate, it's hard enough to want to breathe in and out some days.  Things aren't getting much better.  Sertraline is now up to 100mg and it does seem to help but I think I need more.  To top it off, my appointment with Psychological Services has been put back a week.

It's clear my moods and depression are taking it out of my wife.  I'm fairly sure that she's had enough of me.  She's unaffectionate and cold to me and I do understand that my moods, etc. aren't helping that.  Sex was rare, it's practically non-existent now.  Her coldness is pushing me away and I'm feeling like I'm in a spiral!  Like we're setting each other off.  I'm expecting to be told she doesn't love me any more.  I don't want that but progress in recovery is slow

[Zaf]

It can be very difficult for our partners to cope ith our depression, I wonder if your wife might also be starting to get depressed too?

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

Depression is difficult for our loved ones to deal and cope with. We can be difficult to live with. Have you voiced your worries to your wife. Sometimes its better to talk about things and get our concerns out in the open. I think your wife may appreciate this as well. Take care. S x x x x

[PaulaJo]

It's not your fault Tony. Don't beat yourself up about it. Depression is a difficult thing to deal with and fight against during the recovery.
I know I am hell to live with when I'm in a low phase. I think it can get lonely for my OH.

I agree with Shaz - perhaps you should tell her you are concerned about her. That way she will know that you are worried about her wellbeing, and that will be comforting for her to know.
Even if you can't directly do anything to help the situation, you will express that you are concerned.
Maybe she could have some time to herself, either at home on her own, or away from home. I don't know what's possible in your circumstances, but maybe just some 'respite' time for her.

Depression in an 'Other Half' is difficult to deal with, and she needs to look after herself too.

[Beetzart]

It is hard for my wife too, Tony.  She has been put on fluoxetine by her GP, 40 mg.  Before that we were constantly arguing yet things have got better as my treatment regime is slowly working and her diagnosis.  Like Zaf said she may be depressed, could you not ask her to see a doctor maybe?

[Ezel]

Tony, I'm fortunate in a way because my husband suffers with depression as well.  However it does get tough at times when we are both suffering.

I know this is easier said than done but you both need to talk to each other.  There could be any number of reasons why your wife is behaving the way she is but the obvious thought is she is probably finding it hard to cope with.  We all cope differently.  I know when my husband found realized how depressed I was he found it hard to cope with.  He even went into denial foe a while as I was always the strong one emotionally.

[Tony The Tiger]

My wife works in care so she does understand depression but sometimes I don't think she quite realises how difficult it can be for me to cope with.  I try hard to keep myself perky and above the level but she sometimes doesn't quite get that I am allowed to naturally feel down or that I don't need to smile 24/7.

I have spoken to her and expressed that I don't want to be like this and I realise I'm hard work and that I'm sorry that I make things difficult.  I don't want to be difficult but sometimes I am.  She seems better today but I'm also better today as well.  maybe they're linked, maybe I said the right thing.  This week she has flipped out over some of the most pointless and trivial things.  For example, I was asked to get the bread rolls out of the freezer.  She then went berserk about them being the WRONG bread rolls.  Maybe my depression has rubbed off on her and I feel guilty about that 

[PaulaJo]

Hi Tony,

I think that you have spoken to her and expressed this (that you realise you are hard work and that you don't want to be like this, etc) is great and I, as a partner in a relationship, would appreciate knowing that even if my partner's illness makes it difficult for me, I know that is not his intention and that he wishes it could be different.
I'm glad she (and you) are better today! :-)

And about the getting annoyed by petty things - I do that too! I think it may also be a man/ woman thing. Not to sound too sexist, but I think women can get annoyed by smaller details, which to us are important, whereas men *tend* to look at the bigger picture. So her getting annoyed about the bread rolls could have happened in any relationship ;-)
Probably quite often in our relationship...!

[PaulaJo]

And about the 'not completely understanding'... I can relate. I would imagine it is a somewhat common feeling for people with depression.
My OH studied psychology, and he understands (in theory) what it is I am up against. But it is never quite the same until you experience it. He hasn't had depression or anxiety (although I do think he sometimes gets down/ temporarily "depressed", but doesn't have the illness).
It can feel lonely, when in a relationship with someone who doesn't 100% 'get it'. But that is neither their fault nor yours.
Don't try to be *too* perky, for your own sake. I know you want to try to make it easier on your wife, but it can be a strain, tiring to be cheerful and also difficult because you feel like you're being dishonest about how you feel.
I was doing that at one point too, and I just got so exhausted and I broke down in tears one day and said I couldn't handle trying to be cheerful for me and him both (because he isn't a very extroverted person, which is fine, its his nature).

What you are going through is a tricky balancing act - looking after yourself as you fight depression, and also not wanting to let your wife have to deal with it too much. Pat yourself on the back, you are trying really hard.
A suggestion would be to encourage her to spend time away from you/ home from time to time (if she doesn't already) with her own friends etc, as she needs a network of support as much as you do.

Keep us updated, hang in there!
 *)*

[Sweetpea]

I have to say I flip at silly things as well so your wife is not alone. It is difficult for our loved ones, I know its been very difficult for my hubby. S x x x x

[Tony The Tiger]

It would be great if we could both go to some kind of support group but my searches turn up very little.  I think it would be good to talk to other people about my depression and for her to talk to others who live with depressed people.  Does anyone know where I could find a useful list of local groups.  The only one I've found is with MIND which meets during the day on a weekday which, as a working man, is impossible to attend.

Things are better and she noticed today that I'm struggling although she seems to have realised that I am trying to be better humoured.

[Sweetpea]

Have you spoken to MIND I know their own courses are during the day, but they may know of other resource groups that may help. S x x x x

[PaulaJo]

I think that kind of support group would be really great. If there are no such groups nearby, it is nonetheless a VERY good idea, as I think many couples could benefit from that.
Wonder how one could get such a thing organised... one could make a suggestion to MIND?

That is really good news Tony, that she is seeing that you are trying your best. Relationships are complex and hard work, as it is - add in depression and anxiety and it adds another layer of complexity. You are doing so well.

[Pablo]

I can relate to this, I think my depression did have a catastrophic effect on my relationship

[Tony The Tiger]

It's worth a try.  It's quite frustrating knowing I can talk to people but I need to skip work to do it!  I'll try and get in touch over the next few days and see what they suggest.

Thanks for the support guys!