How can you tell What's real, what's fabrication?

[Michael Frankum]

I have tried to think about my past, and I have a problem knowing what is real. I haven't suffered from hallucinations or the like. It's just that I don't know what I'm remembering correctly, and what I have made up to cover the gaps. The problem is that I can't check it all because of the Official Secrets act. I'm not trying to pretend that I'm some kind of Austin Powers man of mystery! I was a civilian postings clerk in the MOD. That's real, that I know. I THINK that I posted a soldier to Northern Ireland against his wishes and against advice, because he had the correct Security clearance for the post, and I think that he eventually cracked under the pressure, causing his death and the death of another soldier. By the time this all happened, the Office I worked at had closed, and I had moved onto another department, so I had no way of checking. I certainly would have been the postings clerk involved. That's real. The soldiers' deaths were repeated over and over again on TV. That's real.

I have very rarely been able to make a decision which affects anybodies life since. I don't know whether I have built all this up as an excuse to continually fail. I worked for the Courts and Local Government afterwards, but I kept changing jobs everytime I felt under pressure, until I was no longer employable. I had all sorts of help - medication and counselling, but always manage to back away when it gets tough. I'm no longer seeing anybody on the Mental Health side of things, but I'm still given medication by my GP. I don't know how to move forward. But I might be using this all as an excuse.

[Got]

The decision you made at the time was to post him because you decided it was the best decision at the time. The events that occurred are certainty going to upset you, that is a logical response, but is it really logical that you are to blame?

You are also exploring your past to look for things that have led to your patterns of behavior, that is also natural. I am not sure that you are trying to make excuses, your actions and behaviours have come from somewhere at it seems sensible to explore the possibilities in this manner.

[Zaf]

I agree with Steve

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

I also agree with what Steve said. S x x x x

[Michael Frankum]

Thanks Steve, but the thing I can't avoid is that if I hadn't posted him to NI, he definitely would have been able to avoid all the circumstances that led to his murder. If I had just selected him for posting to BAOR, Harrogate, Benbecula, Tidworth, anywhere but Northern Ireland. He would still be alive, so it IS my responsibility, my fault. That's real.

[Got]

You made a decision at the time based upon the information you had because you had a job to do. You did not murder him, the murder did. You may have posted someone else and they may have got killed also. You did not ask him to join the forces, you did not create the tensions in Northern Island. I do not see that you are responsible but I do see how this is upsetting to you.

This is true, a while back my mate emailed me for some information for a project he was working on. I kept putting of sending the work to him, so he gave up waiting and took a bunch of students on a field trip. He crash and was killed along with some students. What advice would you give to me if I said that I was upset because I feel like I have killed him?

Steve

[Michael Frankum]

I'm very sorry for your experience, and thank you for being able to share it with me, but I feel that there's a difference, in that I selected a man for a posting for NI. He was not keen. I believe that I may have been advised against sending him, but I believe that I persisted because it was easier for me than trying a bit harder to find a more suitable soldier. I believe that I caused him to be in a stressful situation. I believe that he eventually cracked while showing his replacement round NI, and this caused the death of 2 fine Royal Signals soldiers. I also believe that I may just be a stupid piece of &$%+ who tries to justify his fat lazy existence by making up theories about a tragic occurence in history that certainly ended the lives of these men.

I believe from what you have said that you bear no blame at all in the sad loss of your friend.