Don't know what to do anymore

[cat69]

Hi, I'm new on here, and not sure what to say.

I have severe depression and anxiety, for which i have medication...which has helped alot.

I still can't face the public on my own, without shaking and wanting to run! lol
My 8 year old daughter has been with her dad the last 2 weeks, and i think I left the house once to go to the local shop.
It completely drained me for the day...couldn't get home quick enough!!

My friends and family live an expensive bus trip(fear of the bus makes it even more impossible) away, so no one comes to see me
or i them....I could have been lying dead for days and no one woulld have noticed.

The medication has helped me feel better, I'm at least getting up and dressed on a daily basis.
Oddly I just feel numb now, I did try taking an overdose of otc sleeping tablets at the weekend...but felt guilty about my daughter straight away.

I know if she wasn't aroound, i wouldn't be either...is it horrid of me to keep praying her dad and his wife(with new baby) that they would try
to get custody of my daughter...so she can have a happy life without me?

If it wasnt for her i'd be gone...dont know what to do anymore

[Beetzart]

Hi Cat and welcome  *()

So sorry to read your post, you must be going through hell.  I can empathise as my life is plagued by depression.  But please don't take your life, no matter how small and it might not seem like it right now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

All the best

Beet

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome  %^%

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome. S x x x x

[KateG]

Hi Cat, just wanted to say hi and give you a big  %^%

Kate x

[cat69]

hi all, thanx for your warm welcome  *)*

This will be my third bout of depression.... but it's never been this bad... to the point that I really would kill myself!
I'd thought about it before but it was only thoughts before...but I know in my tired and worn out heart, if my daughter wasnt here...I would've gone!

That really scares me....and it scares me that I may get to the point, that I'll do it anyway regardless of her!

Just so tired

[Sweetpea]

So sorry you feel this bad %^%. Have you spoken about how bad you feel with your Dr?  S x x x x

[Ezel]

((((cat69))))  *)*

[cat69]

Hey, yeah i did tell him...that was 3 weeks ago

He raised my dosage..which has helped a little

He said he wanted to see me every 2 weeks just to make sure I'm ok, as he was very worried
...have another appt next week (bit late) but the doctor I was seeing has now left the practice
and have to go through it all again with a new one next week...

Worried he won't be as understanding...I've been off work, cos i just can't cope being around people, and I work in retail!!
Kept running off crying and panicking! lol... Worried he'll think I'm ok to go back to work, when I know I'm not!
xxxxxxxxxxx

[Zaf]

Try not to worry, I know thats easier said than done, much of it should be in your medical notes

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

Oh that's awful, having to go over it all again. You must try and tell the Dr how bad you are feeling. If things get so bad maybe you can ring for an urgent appointment. Its not nice waiting for appointments. Do you have someone who can go with you for support. I know when I was bad I couldn't speak to the Dr for crying. S x x x x

[cat69]

Crying and blubbering is pretty much how my appts go too! lol
but got most of it out eventually....

unfortunately getting an emergency appt, you'd get whatever dr you're given...at least the one I've booked with
I used to see years ago, so at least I know him, and won't get too anxious

No, no one to go with, my friends have pretty much left me to deal on my own...hence why i said I'd be laying dead for days before i was found,
they'll help if i ask, but don't want to burden them, it's not fair! And I'm too far away for them too. they're too busy with their own lives too!!

And I have to leave my daughter with my mum...plus i don't want my mum to hear how bad i am
She's going in for open heart surgery in a few months, and I don't want to make it worse for her!

xxxxxxxx

[Sweetpea]

I understand. Its another worry for you with your mum due for surgery. At least you can share your feelings and worries here and we understand %^%. S x x x x