I'm new here, but I'm sure that many of you know how helpful it can be to talk to someone (particularly a stranger ...) and write something down. This seemed the best place to do it as from what I have read, everyone seems to be friendly and understanding _)_ I am going through a very rough patch at the moment, but I guess it would help if I back track a bit. Sorry if I go on, but I do need to get it out.
I was diagnosed with severe depression in 2010, to the point I was booked off work in the August (2 years ago now - but I am back at work now). Fortunately, I have a private health plan through work and spent a month in the Priory in November/December 2010. For the 6 months prior to going into the Priory, I was numb, I felt nothing - I couldn't even cry. When I went into the Priory, I started to let go and really start to think about me for the first time in my life (I'm 42). It was also when I was in there that I started to self harm. Why .. because I wanted to feel something, because I wanted to express the anger I felt, because I wanted to see something physical as I was struggling to come to terms with the fact I had depression. I couldn't accept it was an illness. I must add that the Priory are not at fault for my starting to self harm and they didn't know about it. It was winter (long sleeves) and I smoke, which meant trips outside. I would sit with my back to the camera on a bench burning myself.
I started seeing a CBT councellor in January 2011 and by May 2011 my psychiatrist had found a mix of drugs that worked for me. I went back to work at the end of July on a rehabilitation plan, which meant I slowly built up to working a full day & week over a 3 month period and I was back full time by mid October. I stopped seeing my councellor in December last year and up until a month ago, I have been doing well. Coping with work, daily life and everything else. About a month ago I went down again and have stayed there this time *^* I started self harming again a week ago, something I haven't done for over a year.
I just don't care anymore - I feel like I am back where I started, I want to cry, but I can't. I have shut down and am numb again. I am in self destruct mode again, smoking too much, drinking too much and eating all the wrong things so have put on weight ... which makes me feel worse.
I was hoping that writing this down would help release some emotions, but I feel nothing. Even this post and everything else seems pointless.
Sorry for rambling on about nothing. I'm going to see my councellor tomorrow morning so hopefully that will help me put things back in perspective.
If you got this far - thanks for reading.
Mel
