Possible Diagnosis Today

[TomCrick]

Hi,

       My parents, God love them, have a friend who's a psychiatrist and she was willing to see me - as a one-off, not to take me on as a patient - this morning, and after discussing the various strands of difficulties, from my stammer and being bullied, to low self-esteem and finally my depression. I'd also printed off my Moodscope score to take in to illustrate some of the jagged moodswings I have, and after talking about it for about 40 minutes, she mentioned, 'cyclothymia.' I knew a bit about this, having read up on it after I came home from work sick, and when I was first ill, I really wanted to be diagnosed with it, because I thought it would - to a degree - be able to pointed out, beyond ME, beyond MY personality, and have some blame draped around its neck. But now that it's being tossed around by the professionals, I suddenly feel like I can't cope, like I don't want to be cyclothymic, like I'd much rather just be a moody cow and if some people in the office take offence at that, then sod them. I suppose this may originate from having a stammer, too; it feels like yet another thing that I can be labelled for, another thing which originates above the neck, has no cure but plenty of literature available on various therapies and 'coming to terms with.'

My dad made it inadvertently worse when I told him, saying, 'oh, is that a weak schizophrenia?' and I was so angry, so upset that I had to make a swift exit from the house. I just feel so damned tired today, though I presented the news to my boss who was happy and said, 'ah, progress has been made.' But when I go back, will I be the bird with the battered brain? The one who's bipolar, even though I'm not?

I feel devastated, actually, and I don't even know if I AM cyclothymic. I really don't know if this post makes much sense. Maybe I just struggle with stammering and the burden that's posed on me. Maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive and react like a cobra if wronged because I spent so long being bullied and being unable, verbally unable to defend myself. Maybe working in a job where I have to commute 100 miles a day is the killer in my case. Maybe it's being single. I just don't feel ready to be 'defined' by this and wish, and I know this sounds crap, like I could be 'normal.'


Does this make sense?!

Cheers

TC

[Owl]

it makes perfect sense.

Just try to remember when you're feeling like this, mental illness is something you have not something you are.

Fox
X

[hopeful]

Hi TC,

I know exactly how you feel. When I got a diagnosis for my physical problems earlier this year, instead of relief I fell into a period of mourning (still going through it) about losing the person I thought I was and being labelled as someone with an incurable disability rather than just being a moany cow. And other people's reactions were just as you've described - assuming I should be grateful / happy rather than having more complex emotions about it.

I have personal and professional experience of stammering so know how devasting it can be. While it isn't curable, there are new approaches being developed and I know someone who's working on one. I will get some more info and let you know. I'm sure you've tried lots of different therapy approaches and I don't want to appear patronising, but maybe there is something new that might help a bit. Worth a go?

As for psychiatrists - remember they are very keen to put a label on everything. Psychiatry is not an exact science. Just because you meet some of the diagnostic criteria, it doesn't mean it's certain and I hope you don't feel it labels you as someone with a broken brain....and you're most certainly not abnormal! 

I had a bad day too with more rubbish at work (being bullied too) and I'm trying very hard to remember that these feelings will eventually pass (I hope!).

Big hugs,

H

[TomCrick]

Thank you for those replies, Fox and H. Yeah, it is a period of mourning in some respects, but you make a very valid point, H, insofar that psychiatry is not an exact science and cyclothymia is just a name given to a bunch of symptoms. You know, if I want to take the tablets that they'll eventually prescribe and tell myself that I take them because 'I'm a moody person sometimes,' then that's equally valid, isn't it? It's interesting, too, that cyclothymia (or being a moody cow  =+-) isn't often diagnosed, because people are just seen as moody. So, it's not a diagnosis that had it not been diagnosed would've killed me. Sorry, I'm writing really clumsily today!

I personally believe, very strongly, that had I NOT stammered my way through childhood and school, that whatever this now is, wouldn't be. Or it wouldn't be as strong, so I'm trying to stick with that feeling 'cause I can't cope with another label - not yet, anyway. In terms of work, my overall manager knows and my line manager will know next week when he returns from his holiday but as for my colleagues, no, I'm not going there. I see no point in having a friendly little pow-wow about what I've 'been diagnosed with,' when, as you say so brilliantly again, there ARE more complex emotions at work going on behind the scenes.

H, yes please, I'd be really grateful if you could forward me some further info, either on here or through the private messaging system. I know that getting to a point of improved fluency/comfort with it is a long process and maybe now's the wrong time to try and tackle that as well as everything, but as long as I've got the information, I can progress it when more appropriate. And no, you didn't sound patronising

Sorry to hear about your rough day at work; I hope you can get some kind of solution in place soon. I've had a lot of that to contend with and know what it can do to you, in terms of grinding you down. I've got my fingers crossed for you and there's a lot of support here xx

Thank you muchly xx

[Buttercup]

Hi

I understand exactly what you mean.  I too suffered all the way through school with bullying etc and have never managed to achieve what is expected of me.  I'm bipolar with dysphoric manias, when I got the diagnosis it answered all the unanswered question that surrounded me but came with its own set of big problems, from having to tell the DVLA to deciding who else to tell and not suffer from the stigma attached.  It's hard to explain but it almost feel as though I needed to start my life again and face the problems head on.  Still working on this one.

As far as the drugs are concerned, they help, they have given me a sense of what normal is.  If you are diagnosed Cyclothymic I think meds are an option but I don't know if they are always prescribed and there are famous people, who are Cyclothymic that don't take meds.  I get other support as well from CPN's and support workers that look at triggers etc and how you might be able to deal with them.

just remember you're not alone in this.