Hi,
My name is Gina, I am 50 and have suffered from depression on/off for the last 10 years since I suffered 2 miscarriages and lost my beloved elderly dog in the space of 4 months. My depression was diagnosed as reactive, and after a while it was ok as I became pregnant again and had a successful birth even though I had pre-eclalmpsia for the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy. Then about 4 years ago I literally felt I was going mad and unable to cope and went to the gp where she diagnosed by depression again, but this time down to peri-menopause and I have been on anti-depressants ever since.
I am married to a man with Aspergers Syndrome (similar to high functioning autism); he also suffers from depression, and we have 2 children both with the same condition as it is genetic. My son is 17 and goes to a special school, he has never been to mainstream school as he wouldn't cope in a class of 30. My daughter is 9 and attends mainstream school with no support as her Aspergers is very mild. My husband works permanent nights, Mon-Fri, so we really only see him all day Sunday. I am also the main carer for my elderly mum, who is aged 93; I deal with all her financial needs, shopping etc and liaising with all the various agencies who support her on a day to day basis. My father-in-law has also been critically ill for the past 3 months but now, thankfully, he is on the mend and convalescing in a special unit.
I struggle to deal with my depression, I am on 20mg of fluoxetine a day, this time last year I was on 60 mg so I have improved a little, but my depression has been brought to a head again as I slipped on some ice in January this year and broke all 3 bones in my ankle and had to spend a week in hospital waiting for the swelling to go down so that I could have a plate and 8 pins put in to help the break heal. Once I was home I was on the sofa for 6 weeks as I couldn't manage the stairs, and now I have finished physio and manage without my crutch most of the time, but I can still only manage to walk for a couple of hours before I need to rest. And dealing with the housework is also a struggle, when I am really down I just don't bother, but then it all seems to much to do when I come out the other side!
Yesterday and today have been good days, but Tuesday was really, really bad, I couldn't stop crying and wished I had never married and had kids, that I could walk out of the door and never come back, and I was also contemplating ending it all. I took an overdose 2 years ago (its the only time I have done it) and promised my family I wouldn't do it again and its that promise that stopped me. This was because my husband had an affair, which was totally out of character for him, which totally devastated me. We have had lots of counselling and come through it but I still find it difficult not to think about it when I am in one of my down periods.
Since I broke my ankle I have been virtually housebound as I cannot drive and cant go very far from home, and I think this is what has made my depression worse over the last few months as I am used to having my independence and freedom. I also struggle with summer holidays as I have to keep my children quiet while my husband sleeps, and this year it has been worse because I can't take them out.
On a positive note, I have learnt to meditate and find this really helps, and I try to do the things I enjoy such as reading and cross-stitch, but again this slips by the board when I am down.
I decided to join this forum as I don't want to go down the route of increasing the medication again and I hope that by being able to talk to people in similar situations will help. I know there are always people worse off, but when I am in a bout of depression I become very self-absorbed and full of self-pity which I really don't like!
Sorry to ramble on,
Gina
