So it's the summer holidays away from college and I'm hating every minute of it. Well that's not exactly true but I'll get back to that. It seems like whilst I'm stuck in my room the rest of the world is out enjoying itself; we probably won't even be going on holiday due to the weather and the amount of work my parents have. It's not as simple as going out with friends either. Everyone always seems to have plans with each other whilst I get left behind. Ive kind of stopped trusting other people anyway, it doesnt feel worth it when they can turn around and backstabbing me. But I just feel really lonely.
I'm also feeling really unstable, increasingly so now that I'm spending so much time on my own. Occasionally I'm getting very hyperactive and happy for maybe half a day, which is nice. But even the slightest thing sets me off on a complete tangent. Sometimes I get really, really sad and end up slumped on the floor, bed or in a field somewhere for hours. I never actually cry though it feels like it, you know that sensation in your eyes amd chest, but no tears?
If not sad, it's angry. Really angry. I feel repulsed by people, furious at what they do with their lives and how the worst people are always rewarded. I see the kind of people who are out drinking and doing drugs (not speculation, I know it's true) and making other people miserable, and theyre having the times of their lives with no retribution! What's worse is that the media and the rest of society seem to reward them, it's primarily them that they seem to cater to! I can physically feel how angry I get; my arms feel wild amd fidgety and my chest and head feel like they want to burst! I honestly feel like we need a cull of the majority of the population, they're just screwing the planet up and it'd be better off without them.
This isn't stopping. I can't trust anyone enough to talk to them or anything like that. Maybe one or two people but most people I've spoken to before have sort of drifted away and I don't want that happening again. A doctor I was seeing a while ago eventually got me signed on to see a specialist or something, but it wasn't until around may or June that I heard anything from them (I was supposedly signed on a few months earlier). I was in the middle of my A levels (which Im fairly certain I've screwed up) at the time so I asked to see them after it was over, but I was never able to bring myself to call back. I think it's probably too late to try now.
I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've completely lost interest.
