Going back to work

[Bubblemama]

Hi All.

Has been a long time since I posted anything on here. I am pleased to report that thanks to medication, counselling and a lot of support from family and friends, my depression had somewhat disappeared. Things were good. I could cope with day to day life. My husband and children were happy again and not having to tread on eggshells when they were around me. I had confidence for the first time for about 8 months and the thought of the day ahead didn't make me wail with fear and dread.
I had become confident enough to finally try and find a job. I had been extremely lucky in that my husband has a good job and I didn't have to go back to work after having our second child. I got an interview and was offered the job. It is at the airport where I worked before but the job slightly different but felt ready for a new challenge.
The day came to start the job. I felt no nerves or 'butterflies' and took it in my stride. As the shift progressed, I actually came to find that the goalposts from the interview to now have actually been moved. Shifts longer, times are different, pay lower, holiday entitlement ridiculous and the agreement of working the shifts around my husbands shifts seemed to have disappeared (we cannot afford childcare).
I came home absolutely deflated and feeling extremely let down. I burst into tears as I walked through the front door when I saw my husband and children. My 4 year old even remarked that 'mummy is sad again'. My confidence has now diminished, I have cried in bed since I have been home. My darling 11 year old even made sandwiches for their tea (hubby cooked our lunch, very spoilt). I feel my self going down the unhappy route again. I can't eat, can't sleep even though I have been up for nearly 20 hours (I don't even feel tired). I'm now pacing the floor waiting for my husband to finish work. I have spoken to my rock, dad. Even spoke to my mum and poured my heart out to her (we are not close).
I do not know how I am going to get out of bed in the morning. This is my safe haven. I'm comfortable and safe here especially with my husband here with me. I have written everything down just I case I cannot put it into words tomorrow or worse still cannot even make it in. I have only ever had three sick days throughout my working life so I am not one to phone in sick or let people down.
Can anybody relate to this or offer any help and advice?

[mamalou]

Hi Bubblemama,

I'm way off being well enough to work again but I wanted to say Hi and that I too feel safest tucked up in bed. I'm really sorry things turned out this way for you today. I am not suprised that a complete change in working hours / pay / etc. has thrown you. So please don't give yourself a hard time.

I'm not sure what to suggest really. But sending support to you.

 *)*

[KateG]

It is not your fault that they said one thing and did another.

What does your contract say? It should set out your holidays & shifts. If that differs from what you accepted then I think you should tell them so and maybe quit. No job is worth putting yourself through how you feel tonight xx

[Bubblemama]

Thank you Mamalou for your kind words. They mean a lot. Emotionally I thought I was ready to leave my children and return to work. Now I'm not so sure. I have been naughty tonight and let them sleep in our bed. I have just joined them now for a cuddle. Trying to prioritise things. When my depression first reared it's head earlier in the year I pushed my children away. Now, I can't seem to be with them enough. Lots of cuddles, kisses. This sounds stupid I know but they make me feel safe. I keep telling myself that I'm doing this for them and when they are older they will appreciate it. I will cry tonight until there is nothing left and start new again tomorrow.

Thank you KateG. It does differ yes. I have written all my questions and grievances down. I have the contract but won't sign until I'm happy or failing that I will walk away. I totally agree that no job is worth this. My boys and husband need me healthy xxxx

[Bubblemama]

Well I have managed to get up, shower, get dressed and have a cup of tea. As for eating, I'm not going to force myself. I have to find some inner strength to get through today. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. My husband and children are still fast asleep so I've just given them a quick kiss goodbye. I just can't wait to get home, shower and get back to my safe haven. I have decided to get out my depression diary which I haven't used for a few months. Going to use my free time this morning to jot down my feelings again. Well here goes.

Hope everyone has a peaceful and gentle day x

[Zaf]

Happiness comes before any job Bubblemama, if you cant get them to honour the original terms of their job offer then I'd walk away xxx

[Sweetpea]

I have to agree. No job is worth your health and happiness. S x x x x

[Bubblemama]

I totally agree with you that my happiness becomes before any job.

Well from somewhere I found my confidence and inner strength. After biting my tongue for 4 hours and holding back my tears, my manager made a sarcastic comment about my children and I flipped. I burst into tears and just went mad. How dare he!!!! They are my children and I will die for them. He doesn't even know me let alone my children. This was all because I told him that my children and husband come before my job. This is a company who basically want you to revolve your life around them.
After my rant I left him speechless. I walked around a bit, went to the toilet and returned ready to grab my things and leave. When I arrived back he was apologetic and tried to be understanding. To little to late in my book. 4 hours ago he couldn't give two hoots about me or my childcare issues and 10 minutes before that my children were a joke topic. He told me to go home, take the next two days off and go and see him next Thursday morning to discuss more options or my job termination. Unfortunately I will have to take my children with me because my husband is working andi hope this will cement the issue of childcare!.
Since being home I have had a debilitating headache which has prevented me sitting upright. My good neighbour looked after my children for me. I have not cried since this afternoon which is a positive I suppose and my husband has been extremely supportive and understanding. I'm sure my headache is Caused by pressure and stress. Without that stress tomorrow I'm hoping for a good nights sleep and have a fresh start tomorrow.
I will be seeking legal advice about all the employment issues.
I apologise about my rants about all of this

[Bubblemama]

Have just received a very apologetic email from my manager. And a vow to help me with shifts.
I will give him his due. I obviously made a bit of an impression lol xxx

[Buttercup]

I guess the emai is something and if he does help you then great.

Hope it goes well xxx

[Sweetpea]

So he should apologise. What he said to you was out of order. I hope things work out for you. Take care. S x x x x

[Zaf]

I agree, hope you feel better this morning xx

[mamalou]

Oh Bubblemama, What a week you've had. I'm so sorry for you especially when you are so fragile.

Being a mother is such a big job and one that uses all your resources. To have that undermined is very very upsetting.

Sounds like your children are very lucky to have a mummy like you.

Hang in there - big love - Louise x x

[Bubblemama]

Thank you all so much for your kind comments.

Thursdays incident has made me realise what is important in life. We had a lovely family day out yesterday which we all enjoyed. It cleared my stress and headache and I actually felt myself letting go of the bad feelings.
My husband has been so understanding and is helping me with every hurdle and decision, knowing I think that as I am emotionally fragile it could tip me over the edge again and back to square one we go.

Thank you all again guys and I will keep you posted with the outcome xxxx

[Beetzart]

You're posts are very poignant, Bubble, due to the fact that our health, and children will ALWAYS come before some job. 

Beet