Hi,
Not been on here for a while, but I really need some support and to talk to people who can relate to what I'm feeling.
I have suffered from depression for a number of years triggered by a number of family bereavements, coupled with the pressure it puts on families when watching a loved ones battle their illness. I have dealt with this and supported my family whilst forging a career and doing well for myself.
I've recently discovered that my view on work has changed dramatically. I used work as a distraction from the horrible home situation, but I know now that whilst it proved beneficial in terms of progression (high profile promotion in November last year), the extra money and status is really not worth it. For the last few months I have become complete non-plussed and don't care about deadlines, doing a good job etc. I'm finding myself increasingly irritated by people who are playing the game and aiming for the sky - that used to be me though!! I just want to stay at home, in bed and curl up away from it all. I've been taking last minute leave, working from home more, getting in late etc as a result, and I know that the quality of my work is deteriorating.
I had a 121 with my boss this morning and I ended up being completely honest and admitting that I was struggling with concentration and felt like my mind was foggy, and that my anxiety in the mornings is becoming unbearable. She conceded that she had noticed, as I normally sharp and so organised. I explained that I had already thought about a plan of action, for example revisiting my GP, organising counselling again etc. She has given me this afternoon off to make the calls and get some rest, as I had worn myself out crying and pouring my heart out to her. She has assured me that work will do everything in their power to support me, but that I must assist this process by continuing to be transparent in terms of what I think will help.
The biggest difference is that for the last few years I have become emotionally numb and couldn't even force a tear out! Now, I cry at everything and anything and I am completely losing my confidence in my ability. I know that the old me is still there, but I really don't have the energy to be that person any more. The tears are coming now as I type. It feels kind of weird, and out of control.
Has anybody else been in a similar position? This swing in my behaviour has crept upon me and I'm finding it very hard to deal with. I don't really know what to do about it, and feel so low. I know I am verging on breaking down as I have experience that before after losing my Mum. Feeling very, very lost right now. _-+
