Hi All,
A tentative first post relating to my own struggles. I was driven home on Tuesday by my boss after breaking down in his office. This follows years of erratic performance, both professionally and personally. I've been on 20mg Citalopram for years but it's reached a point where I've asked to see a psychiatrist because I don't feel that the current diagnosis and subsequent treatment is doing anything for me at all. There are issues with self-esteem afoot; how strongly they do or don't feed into this, I'm uncertain about, but from reading about cyclothymia, that would make far more sense than the classical, clinical type of depression. Sometimes, I feel eloquent and positive and racing with positive energy. Then I can switch down to endless crying, numbness, aching limbs. Inbetween are periods where I can feel okay, but these are never periods which last long enough so that I can follow through on very much. My life is filled with things I've started but not finished. My professional relationships are at risk, and although my boss was great and even said, 'I don't care how long you're off for - we want you back well and happy and if that takes months, so be it,' I do feel ashamed and pathetic. A constant morbidity of thought exists with me, too, though I've never planned to take my own life. Additionally, I stammer which has kept my self-hatred and despair at myself pretty strong.
Looking back over this year, there have been 2 episodes where I've crashed and burnt; very distressed, very upset. I've had friends take time off to look after me and now it's reached this point, I really feel like I need to properly get sorted otherwise I feel like a perpetual time-waster, a girl who cries wolf, although when I make those cries, they feel like the most genuine, upsetting and critical despair I've ever felt.
My Moodscope graph makes interesting viewing; huge highs, huge lows, fallow bits inbetween. I don't know exactly how that relates to my suspicion of my depression but it's definitely not all low and the fluctuations can be very severe, going from 9 to 60% in the same week.
My current approach is to see the psychiatrist and in the meantime, meditate every day and try and look after myself. A friend is 'lending' me her Golden Retriever, a dog who I love more than words can say and who's equally happy to lie with me on my sofa and watch crappy TV. Beyond that, I don't feel I 'can do' very much but hopefully for a start, that's going to be okay
Looking forward to being here, sharing stories and support
Cheers
TC
