Hi, For once in my life I am going to be completely honest. I have never admitted the way I think to ANYONE in the past; I’ve kept it all in my head. I am a happy-go-lucky type of guy, well I like to show this off. Always joking; never got a worry in the world and always there to give others a positive boast, but the problem is – Life is so hard and it has been since I was 15-16. I am now 24, 25 in August and ever since I was 16 and I have had something to worry about, these worries over take me, it’s all I ever think about, I believe I over hype them in my head to make them something their not, but to me right now, they are huge and real worries. I am utterly mad at myself for thinking this way! My mum has depression, pretty bad and I recognise the way she thinks in the way I think. Only difference is, she’s not afraid to just break down and admit everything, whereas I keep it closed it, I’d never admit it to anyone, I have too much pride.
I feel so low about myself. I don’t think anyone likes me, I always feel left out of the group, not included. This is my ‘latest’ worry of many which has probably been happening since Early March. I started University in September and everything was fantastic, I never had friends before University but suddenly I had loads and a fantastic girlfriend! That term was the best term in my entire life! I loved it, then I came back after Christmas and everything changed. My soul mate cheated on me with a guy we was both meant to be living with next year. It really hurt me, but I got over it, and well I am back with this girl now, and it was a mistake, I know that, and we have got an amazing relationship, but the problem is I just feel that the other’s in our friendship group, and importantly, those we are living with next year in a student house (we all agreed and signed this house and contract before Christmas) have got it in for us – they don’t like us. I don’t know why, we have done nothing. My girlfriend can be a bit ‘bossy’ sometimes but she’s always nice and always fare. I for one have done nothing. But I just feel hated and not included. I am dreading next year! I think it’s going to be a year from hell, and it’s ruining my summer and I just cant seem to enjoy myself, knowing I’m going to be in a house with 4 other people who don’t like me. I don’t want to be that ‘one’ who they always talk about etc. I feel trapped. I monitor facebook, looking for every ‘like’ or ‘comment’ and analysing it – I notice they don’t like or comment on my stuff, but like each others, if they do like each others, I get really mad and jealous.
But you see, that’s my recent worry that’s over took my life, but ever since I was 16 I have worried about something, and something has over took my life and ruined it for that time being, and when that one is sorted – another one will come up!
My earliest ‘worry that over-took my life’ was when I was 16. I am Bi-sexual and when I was 16 I used a few gay chat rooms, just experimenting really. At the same time, I found out I had a virus on my computer, something many other’s do. Anyway, this gave my mind a meltdown! For about a year I was worried sick that my friend had gave me a virus on purpose in conjunction with another friend and knew about me being Bi and sent that Keylogger or had seen I was on that chatroom by my profile. I questioned, questioned and questioned him! Convinced I knew what was going on. 5-6 years later I can see how ridiculous I was but at the time I was certain, and all through my life since then there’s been moments like that.
My mind is absolutely worried sick about my most ‘recent’ worry and I am fed up with worrying full stop! I just want to enjoy life! I’m sorry if I sound a right weirdo, or if I did not make much sense, This is just the first time I am being completely honest with someone.
