Hello everyone, newbie in need of help

[pinkphoenix]

Morning everyone, I've battled depression for 14 years. I'm exhausted, all the time. It's killing me. 
Depression teamed with self harm started when my beloved Nan passed away in 1998. Since then things have got prograssively worse. In a nutshell over the last 14 years....Nan died, I nearly died of a blood condition, the day I came out of hospital my friend at school died of meningitis (since then I've lived with guilt. Things are all wrong, it should have been me and not him) I've had 3 miscarriages, been in severe abusive relationships, attempted suicide on several occasions and feel like a failure because I can't do it right. 
All this time I've not received any help from the medical profession at all. I've been told by hospitals "We can't help you until you do something to yourself" I have support from my Mum but she is also battling it, although she's only had it for a few years and has received counselling straight away which is incredibly annoying because I've battled alone from such a young age and things aren't getting any better.

Even throughout my abusive relationships where I was verbally, sexually and physically abused, I received no help (I got told by one lady who assessed me, "it sounds to me like you enjoy being abused") I got out of yet another bad relationship the other day and since then I'm receiving regular texts from him calling me fat, ugly, vile. I want him to stop. I was bullied at school from age 5 until I left school. So I thought I'd left the "fat" comments behind. I'm only size 12. I've had an eating disorder before. I would punch myself if I felt hungry and I can feel it'll happen again.
I searched this site as a way of off loading and making friends with people who are going through the same.
When I go to bed, I pray that I won't wake up. And every morning when I wake, I hate it. I just think "ok another day to struggle then hopefully Nan will come and get me in my sleep"

Please someone help me, I need to know there's hope. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[KateG]

Hi pinkphoenix and welcome to the forum.

Sorry to hear what you have coped with. I understand the loss you feel from your miscarriages, I have been there too and it's an awful feeling  !+_

It's terrible that you can't get the support you need from NHS. This place is really friendly and full of lovely people. I hope you find some help here

Kate x

[pinkphoenix]

Thank you Kate. Thank you so much for reading my post.

Emma xx

[KateG]

You're welcome Emma, we all support each other here, through the good days and the bad ones.  _+_

[tharidler]

hi pinkphoenix
hi and welcome i am sorry that you have had to suffer for so long alone sadly i can sympathise with losing a baby as we lost one three years ago and i saw how badly my wife took it i was crushed but it's different for mums of course it is terrible that the mental health service is so inconsistent it's sad that you've been unlucky with partners but that is not your fault and ther are no excuses for people to be like that and as to your recent ex if you were that bad why was he attracted to you ? sorry for going on this is a really good place to chat and get advice the people here are very kind and supportive there is help out there and in here

[Sweetpea]

 )-_ hello and welcome to the forum, we are a friendly bunch and as Kate has said we support one another.   !+_ for you.

S x x x x

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome, I'm appalled the way you've been treated my the NHS, you'll get lots of support here  xxx

[Ezel]

 _)_ and hugs

[pinkphoenix]

Thank you to all of you who have replied to me. Likewise, I'd like to support all of you.  We're all here for the same reason.

The NHS truly is shocking! I saw my G.P 3 months ago and he told me I could speak to a councillor at the surgery but I'd have to wait 3 weeks....I've still not heard a thing.  It's so tiring going to and from the Doctor telling the same story just to get no where.

With regards to the miscarriages, I never received support, the last one happened November 3rd last year and it got to me really badly.  When I started miscarrying I called the hospital (where I'd seen a midwife) and asked them what to do (go to a&e or just ride it out) and I was told "we're too busy with pregnant women, we can't help you"

Since then I've had to go back for tests to see if I'll be able to carry full term, (due to the fact I'm only 27 and have had 3 miscarriages already) luckily I'm not infertile (my dream in life is to become a Mummy) I'm currently waiting for test results due to 2 abnormal smears.  It doesn't rain but it pours eh? 

My family keep telling me things will get better but so far they haven't.  I know I can talk to them about anything but I don't want to because I can see how much it hurts them when I tell them things.

The things my ex said were incredibly hurtful and I've not eaten anything today because of it. This has happened a lot, I'll go for days on end without eating.  I know it's not healthy or normal but I just can't do it. I've just been crying all day.

Thank you for your support. I really appreciate you all taking the time to write such kind words.

Emma xx

[Catbrian]

Hi pinkphoenix

Welcome to the forum.  I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

I'm sorry you haven't been having a good time (to put it mildly).  Sometimes the NHS can feel like a maze of let downs, I think many of us will echo the same experiences.  Maybe you could ask your GP to refer you too a Psychiatrist for assessment.  When depression becomes so bad, it often helps to speak with a professional who is specialising in mental health.  Often they are better qualified to prescribe an anti-depressant that will help you through the worst of this.  I'm sure a Psychiatrist will also have better referrals for counselling.

When times are at their worst, people always want to remind us that things will get better.  It's usually the last thing we want to hear.....but, very often, it is true!

As for that pratt of an ex boyfriend.  I wouldn't take much notice of what he says.  If you were that bad, why did he ever want you in the first place?  It sounds like his pathetic little ego has been hurt (well done you!).  Can't you change your number for a while?

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Cat x

[pinkphoenix]

Thanks Cat, I could yes but I got a new number like 2 months ago when I got a new phone. I'm hoping he'll get bored at some point soon.  I'm on the 3 network...do you know if it's possible to have a number blocked? xx

[Catbrian]

I betcha could get his number blocked but it might infuriating him more.  As you say, he'll prob get fed up soon

[pinkphoenix]

I'll call them Monday morning if it carries on.  Thanks for the advice xx

[whiteadder]

Welcome to the forum  _+_ I think you'll find it a very friendly and supportive place

[pinkphoenix]

Thank you Whiteadder. Already I've had more support from this forum than I've ever had from the NHS!

Emma xx