Where is the desire to change?

[Catbrian]

I know it sounds very sad but I ‘m at my happiest when locked up indoors alone.  When I had my first ‘breakdown’ 12 yrs ago, if I didn’t push people away, then they ran away.  Mental illness is a very solitary experience but, for me, loneliness never sets in.

Over the years with no intervention, I gradually became very reclusive and distant from everyone, including close family.  Sometimes they would visit London from Scotland only to be hurt and disappointed because I wouldn't/couldn't see them.  The expectation was always to pull myself together.  Many arguments followed and I increasingly resented them for not being understanding and/or supportive.

For 6 years, I lost touch with all family and most of my friends.  This way no one could have any expectations whatsoever and I wouldn’t have the additional stress from their own issues and disappointments.  I refused to answer the door.  I disconnected my BT landline.  There was little awareness for anything other than dark depression.

I really do not know where the years have gone.  I remain stuck in my rut and a lot of that is down to having little inclination to change.  You could say I completely opted out of life.  I struggle every day just to find a reason to live. 

Why would I not want to get over my agoraphobic issues?  Well, I guess they keep me safely comfortable at home.  Being outdoors causes constant paranoia. 

If recovery depends on a desire to change then I’m beat before I’ve even started.  I don’t want friends or close family members chirping in my ear and there is no motivation to get out there and participate in life.

In recent months, I have been back in touch with family.  My sister knows exactly the problems I’ve had but I do not share this with my parents.  I did try talk about it recently but when I told them I was trying an anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser drug, the reply was, “oh dear”.  They have never asked me about it since so I suppose they remain as unsupportive as ever.

[Zaf]

I suffer from agoraphobia too some of the time and it can be debilitating but I do understand the feeling of safety indoors too.  I think your parents are probably the same as my mum that they still have a stigma about mental illness of any type and still feel that its possible to 'pull ourselves together' when we have depression.

I am convinced that unless a person has suffered with this horrible illness they have no true idea how it affects us.

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

I am ok now thank goodness, but when depression hits I am the same and hate going out, my safe place is my home.  I was lucky my sister who also suffers was  very good with me, she would come and get me and take me out for a drive in her car, even f it was only a short distance and didn't get out of the car it meant I got out.

Mental health still has such a stigma, and people are scared of what they don't know or understand.  I agree with Zaf only people that have suffered truely understand.

S x x x x

[Happywanabee]

Oh, this rings bells!! I can completely relate to this. I, too am happy alone (with my dogs).
I can go out (but often do not want to) and the odd thing is that I am more comfortable with strangers rather than those who know me?
For this reason, we go away quite often and I am so much better then?

[mrmoody]

my probation officer yesterday asked me 'are depression forums a good thing or not?' I said yeah they are, because people there understand when alot of people dont

[Sweetpea]

Totally agree  :)

S x x x x

[Holykimura]

I echo what the other posters are saying. Those who have never experienced full on depression can never begin to understand how it feels for us. I understand why you want to stay indoors, it's safer than being outside for sure. However I think if you can even if means starting off going into your own garden, then you could at least try getting out. Firstly it allows you to take your mind off how you feel as you will be distracted by what is around you, and secondly it is a means of getting some fresh air and if you can manage a walk up and down your own garden/street, it's also a way of getting some exercise.

When I am at my worst, I hate going out, however I know that staying at home will only re-enforce how I feel. I go for a walk with my tracksuit and Headphones on and listen to my most favourite music. I try and walk fast as if I have somewhere to be by a certain time. I keep in mind the following phrase that I got from this forum, "nothing can do anything to me and anything and do nothing to me". If you do see someone you know you look like your working out so you can just say as little as you want and then be on your way. I know it will feel like a mammoth task to get out, and it will feel very uncomfortable to start with, however you will feel better for having done it once you come home. I am talking from personal experience. There was a time that I shut myself off from the world, I would stay indoors with curtains and blinds closed for nearly 8 months before I realised that this was not the best way to help my depression. Try it and see, and ask yourself What is the worst thing that could happen? Then measure what could possibly happen on a scale of 1-10,  10 being that you lose everything/everyone you have ever loved in one go in a disaster. Good luck and keep trying to get better.

[Catbrian]

Thanks everyone for your feedback.  I appreciate everything you are saying, Holy, but first I need to find the desire to change.  I feel too depressed again.....the enthusiasm is no longer there.

I am able to go out with the dog but it's always at exactly the same time every day and only to a choice of three routes.  When I am out walking, I'm on a mission.....head down while almost sprinting up the road!

I can also go to Asda occasionally, however, I need to be at the same time on the same day each week. I walk 20mins there and back with heavy shopping.  I'd rather do this than take public transport.   Often when I'm struggling home, sweating and aching all over, I curse myself for being so ruddy mental!!!

I can travel on local buses so long as I am next to the exit. Many times I've pressed the emergency button that opens the door.  I cannot travel by train or tube or put myself in confined spaces with strangers.   As a result, I've not left London in 13yrs. The longest I've been away from home in all that time is probably around 2hrs.  On an odd occasion, when I've been at hospital, this has gone over to 4hrs.

This morning I decided to drop into the welfare benefits adviser at our local Psychiatric hospital.  I began walking the 15mins to catch a bus, wrestling with my paranoid thoughts; everybody's looking at me, people think I'm strange....weird....ugly.....walking funny....dressed like a tramp....The attack on myself is relentless.

I turned around and began the walk back home.  Spitting blood, feeling utterly defeated and annoyed.  I got half way home then had a change of heart, so I head back in the direction of the bus stop again...... I must have gone back and forward at least 3 times before finally relenting.... I came back home feeling disgusted.

I called my Care Co-ordinator.  She has agreed to accompany me next Thursday!

[sad sack]

I'm quite happy being alone as well sometimes....I can sit in the house or garden with no tv, music on... and well just sit there!

Even in a room full of people, I'm happy just to sit there and not talk to anyone...

I don't mind being "the loner"... I guess that's why I go away on my motorbike so often...

The only thing I can't seem to do alone is go to the cinema mind you... very odd!  :) :) :) :) :)

 

[Zaf]

I can walk the dogs anywhere but in our village for some reason, we have next to no public transport so not absolutely sure how I'd feel about using it, I certainly have the paranoid thoughts "everybody's looking at me, people think I'm strange....weird....ugly.....walking funny....dressed like a tramp" and similar ideas.  I guess some of these things are specific to ourselves while being more or less in the general agorophobic or paranoid categories

Z x

[Catbrian]

It's really strange,  I didn't see myself as agoraphobic until very recently.   I do reluctantly venture outside every day.  I manage the bare necessities then run back home as fast as I can.   I thought people with agoraphobia don't ever leave their homes.  While this is true for some, the majority have the symptoms I am explaining here and also what zaf has been saying. 

I need to change.... I've got to laugh at myself - agoraphobic when I am supposed to be planning a move back to Scotland to be near my parents and other family members...how can I take on such a massive challenge? 

It all sounds so simple but believe me I'm sweating over it!!   Family are looking forward to it....aaaaargh...expectations!

[Zaf]

When are you planning to move back Cat?   I love Scotland but being a tourist probably only see the nicer parts.

Z x

Gawd, my typing is getting worse 

[sad sack]

if it's near Glasgow, then pop in and say hi!!!

 

[Beetzart]

I can walk the dogs anywhere but in our village for some reason, we have next to no public transport so not absolutely sure how I'd feel about using it, I certainly have the paranoid thoughts "everybody's looking at me, people think I'm strange....weird....ugly.....walking funny....dressed like a tramp" and similar ideas.  I guess some of these things are specific to ourselves while being more or less in the general agorophobic or paranoid categories

Z x

I can really relate to that, Zaf.  If I walk in the local supermarket I get the impression that the staff are thinking 'oh, here comes that weirdo again.'  The trouble with me is that the more I think thoughts like that the more prone I seem to be to actually act like that.  Have you ever crossed the road at traffic lights with a car waiting there and just ever so slightly tripped, not fallen over, but just lost balance for a  split second?  It always seems to happen when I am feeling most paranoid; and I dare look at the car!  I remember going for a hair cut a few years ago when we had snow and the floor of the salon was a bit wet.  Anyway I had my haircut, paid, went to get my coat, and slipped on the floor, but just a tiny bit.  Putting my coat on I thought I had got away with it until the cocky sod who cut my hair said, without looking up from his paper, nonchantly, 'you're meant to trip outside on the ice, mate, not in here!'.  Bloody typical!  Needless to say I haven't been back since!