Morning all (long post)

[sad sack]

Hmm, I had this all planned out in my head, and I’ve suddenly went blank when trying to type it…

Why am I here…. Well I’m fed up, I’m completely fed up, tired, lonely, angry at the way I am living my life and the things that I go through on a daily basis…

The main reason I guess I am here is that I am a very, very private person, I don’t have many people to speak to at the best of times, and even when I try to open up, they have “real” problems and worries whereas I don’t… in their eyes anyway.

So please bear with me as I take the easy route and spill my guts hiding behind a computer, and being a faceless nobody.

On the surface, I have nothing to be sad about, I have no worries.

I have a great job, my own house and cars, I wear nice clothes and I have other material things that many people wish for, I have no debt and no money worries. Yes I have worked hard to get all these, and I think to the outside world I have everything sussed and I am nice and clam, and contented.

When I go out, and when and if I want to be, I can be the life and soul of any party, I can talk to anyone, I’m not shy, I am not scared and I can chat and pull almost any female I want… the key to that part is if and when…

Most of the time however I live in a constant battle with myself, always in pain and sadness… everything is black with me and everything is dull and boring.

I am mean to people I love, I push them away, I hurt them, and I am scared of letting people in my life.

When I am with someone, I have this internal battle every moment of every day that I don’t want to be happy, I want to be on my own, even though I know they are helping me and improving my life… I have this self-destruct devil that keeps dripping into my brain that I need to get out, stop allowing someone to love me….

Case in point… I have just been dumped (again) a few months ago…. My ex, was without doubt the best thing to ever happen to me, she was almost everything I wanted and was looking for in a partner… she was funny, clever, absolutely stunning, she loved me and I’m sure would have looked after me, protected and nurtured me for the rest of my days (I believe partners do all of that for each other, I don’t expect someone just to do it for me – I tried my best for her)… if I had only let her into my dark little f***d up life…

Why did I get dumped… well after a few years together, she wanted to move in… very reasonable request, most guys would have jumped at the chance… what did I do…. Started shouting and screaming at her that the best she will ever get from me is a couple of weekends together every month…. She quite rightly walked away.

I have had a few exes in the past, and I always find a way for them to dump and walk away from me…. I’m actually pretty good at it now…

So I am back to being alone, back to “what I want”… it’s just, it’s not what I want…. I want to be with someone, I want to have a good life… I just can’t seem to get over this dark force that is keeping me from opening up…

I think that is all I was wanting to get out in the open… not sure it’s actually done me any good, maybe time will tell….  I don’t even know what I expect from putting all this down on a public forum to be honest…. I guess I just wanted someone to know what I was going through every day of my life, and why I usually appear as though nothing is good, or I am impressed with anything that happens…and without labelling myself, or being a goooogle doctor, is sounds very much like anhedonia I have got…

I have spoken to several doctors and other “professional” people, but to be honest, they don’t listen, don’t care and just want to put me on drugs… I do not like drugs, I do not take them, and I have very severe reactions to them…

I do try and be positive, read loads of self-help books, done the NLP thing, slapped myself, I know it’s all wrong, I even tried to kill myself in a motorbike accident a few years ago now (so my life insurance would pay out for my niece and nephews)  I know I should be big enough and strong enough to fight it… but I just can’t…. there is a song title that goes something like “protect me from what I want” and I feel like I need something, or someone to get me away from being alone and totally miserable for the rest of my life, as that is what I feel like I want….

And one final thing… if for some reason that my ex is reading this, I just want to say I’m sorry, you were without doubt the best thing in my life, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be open and honest with you, and I sorry for all the pain and hurt, and embarrassment I caused you. I truly am.

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome,  I think a lot of our members will identify to some or all of your feelings, I certainly do.

Z xx

[KateG]

Hi sad sack and welcome to the forum.

I'm always terrified that if people discover the "real" me, the introverted person that worries about everything, rather than the confident outward me that most people see, then they will not want to know me.

Have you tried to explain your feelings to your ex since you split up?

Kate x

[sad sack]

Hi Kate, no I haven't.

She is the strongest willed person in the world, she doesn't want to see, or hear from me again...

I am respecting her wishes, she is better off without me in her life.

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome to the forum, I can relate to a lot of what you have written.  I have pushed people away in the past by not thinking I am good enough. 

Hopefully you will find the forum helpful and supportive, I certainly have, there are some lovely people here  :).

S x x x x

[Ezel]

Welcome and yes I agree most of us can probably identify with some of what you're going through.  It is easier to share in this situation though.

[sad sack]

yeah, I *think* I keep on telling myself that I am not good enough for them, or they will eventually see through me, or just get fed up...another part of me says I will be a hopeless husband and father, that I won't be able to cope as my dad wasn't the best in the world...I don't really remember him ever being there for me, except with a belt, or a slipper, or some other object to hurt me with and we don't speak very much these days either...

Many people have told me in the past that I am my own worst critic, and I am far too harsh on myself (which, is probably the real reason I have such a good job, nice things etc etc), I have the drive and power to be the best……but leaves a massive hole in other parts of my life...

A person I "know" on a different forum says I am just unwilling to compromise, and that is what is wrong with me... no-one is perfect; I just can't accept that...

For example, I once threw out my girlfriend and sent her home (she came up to see me for the weekend from London, she was in the house 3 hours) because she dropped a whole load of ice cubes on the floor...everything was screaming inside for me to say sorry for shouting at her, sorry for making her pack through all her tears... even when she was walking out to the taxi, I was still fighting, get her back, get her back, just hold on to her and say sorry.... I wouldn't do it.... I'm just that stupid and arrogant.

[Sweetpea]

I do understand the pushing away, in an arguement I will never back down and I will carry it on by not talking afterwards, I am just hurting myself but I just can't back down, even though its hurting me.

Just a though have you considered counselling to  help you deal with this.  I have just finished a couse of counselling and it helped me so much, she didn't try and change me but rather helped me see why I am like I am.  Hope that makes sense.

S x x x x

[tharidler]

hi sad sack
first of all welcome to the forum i would like to say that for me some of your issues are identical to mine i have over the years pushed people away and had rows over the most petty things (they were not petty to me at the time) and all that time i would be having an internal dialogue saying come on that was stupid or no reason to be mean or say sorry but my inner demons would never let me i would never open up and i liked being alone i have always thought myself unloveable personally i am on medication and recieving therapy now i know a lot of people do not like medication and thats fine i respect that but this is what has helped me to calm down and at least understand some of my issues i think almost all of us on here hide our illness to some degree but at least here you can be honest have you tried cbt last of all although you agreed to leave your ex alone a letter explaining things may not be out of order at least it would give honest closure to both of you i hope you find this forum usefull

[woozywoo]

Hi sad sack and welcome to the forum!

I think this place gives you somewhere to vent,scream,shout,cry,ask for advice and its with ppl who understand or at least relate to some of what you are feeling. Just knowing someone else understands can be a huge comfort,Thats what  find. I now there are still some things i say there thtat i dont say to the doctor. But it feels safe here to share your inner most thoughts and feelings.

I can relate to pushing people away particularly during arguments. I have never really thought about it until i read this post,but just like shaz says i never back down in am argument,i let it drag on for far too long despite tellin myself i am hurting and I can stop this,but i dont.

I can also relate to having the perfect life,good job,nice car,loving supportive family ,so why oh why am i depressed. I like you try to hide who i really am,a horrible useless person!

Anyway good luck with your journey x

[Got]

What was your childhood like, and how was your relationship with parents, etc?

Steve

[Holykimura]

I can relate to a lot of what your going through mate. Lots of people here will too.

[pinkphoenix]

Welcome :) You've come to the right place. Everyone here is incredibly supportive

Emma xx

[Geeky1998]

Welcome :).

I can relate to things you've written.  I know for me I had to work extremely hard to trust myself before I would open up and let everyone else in. The first time I heard this concept, I thought it was the craziest thing I'd heard, after all my lack of trust seem to be in others as I'd be hurt in the past.  But, turns out, a lot of the trust I lost was in my ability to choose a person to share my life with or even feel comfortable enough to have friends.  I almost have had to go through, and still to a large degree, go through an exercise in my trusting myself.  When I feel myself pulling away from others, which is just about on a daily, something hourly basis, I have to stop and take some really deep breaths and figure out if there is some kind of trigger there that is reminding me of someone else that didn't deserve my trust and remind myself that this new person isn't that person from the past and etc.  Its difficult and I know for me anyways hasn't been an easy thing to just "fix" but having to accept that this is my way now of relating to others and chances are I'll always have some form of hesitation, its a new norm honestly.

Sorry you are feeling badly and I do hope things become easier...

[Catbrian]

Geeky....I can relate to some of this.....I also push people away and find myself almost suffocating in most peoples company.  Even the people I love, after an hour or so, I still can't wait to get away from them and be back on my own again.....weird cause I was once a very confident and sociable person.