Hi
I have decided to write about myself and how i feel because i find it so difficult to talk to people and I desperately need help.
I have been depressed i think since before I was 10. This is due to a number of incidents at school (I went to boarding school from when I was 6 to 18) some which were brief in nature and some which were extremely long lasting stretching into years. To put it bluntly there was sexual abuse involved as well as bullying.
What happened at school has shaped my life. I am emotionless, detached, unable to relate to people, find it very difficult to think independently, unable to say no, do things that are outright dangerous and / or totally irresponsible. Added to this I am married with 2 children. (Just a note I would never do anything that would endanger harm them, at least I can fathom out right from wrong when it comes to that).
People see me as extremely shy but a lot of the time i really can't stand the company of people. I am extremely anxious and can get myself in a real tis-was. I have really bad headaches practically everyday. I find it exceptionally difficult to sleep and when i do i wake up covered in sweat and the bed is soaking wet. I suffer from really bad stomachs a lot. Also I have an exceptionally good long term memory and can remember the smallest detail from many many years ago. But on the other hand my short term memory is shocking and can easily forget things. My concentration is shocking. I can go from doing 1 thing then abandoning it and literally a minute later have forgotten all about it. I can also end up buying things without thinking and sometimes spending money i don't have. An example would be buying a holiday without any thought whatsoever. For example Bought a weekend break to brussels for 2 nights without even thinking it through and then buying an extra day and another flight later because didn't like what i had done previously. Also i will then read up on every single thing i can possibly find about brussels for say a few days and then totally lose interest.
I have tried things in the past like taking drugs (illegal ones) and just hoping i wouldn't wake up.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 8 years ago when i was referred to a crisis unit. I then saw a psychiatrist who put me on citalapram 20mg which was then upped to 40 mg. The only problem was at that time i really couldn't speak to anyone at all so hardly told him anything and hated it so much that i ended up not going.
Since then i have seen councillors etc but it is always the same story i can never open up and i end up not going.
I was on the citalapram for about 5 or so years and although for a good portion of that time i didn't feel suicidal or anything like that i don't think it ever really made me feel better. I was still very anxious and would still be depressed.
Since then I have tried mirtazepam, prozac, seroxat, a couple of others i can't remember the names of and am now on sertraline started on 50mg then 100mg and now on 150mg and when I next see the doctor its going up to 200mg.
My wife also seems to think I might be bi polar. Is that possible the doctors havnt once said anything about that.
I feel dreadful at the moment. I was at the doctors yesterday and she was on the verge of sending me back to the crisis team. In the end settled on referring me back to the psychiatrist.
I have been thinking about killing myself and as usual ended up researching every last detail online. I think if i had a gun i would have done it already.
Anyway does anyone have any ideas about medication since i have been on loads of things and i wouldn't say any of them really worked? Also I can remember reading some research paper online that said if you have been depressed since before you were 10 that anti depressants don't work and that taking something off label is a better idea.
Also have been thinking about electric shock therapy. In some ways i think maybe something like this is what i need maybe to restart myself. But then I have heard about memory loss and i don't know if that is what is attracting me to it in the hope it would wipe out all my memories.
Any help would be really appreciated. Do you think maybe it would be a good idea to take this into the doctors and let them read this?
