just another bad day

[staralfur]

It's another bad day....just to add on to all the others.

I never used to begrudge people things, but I've started feeling how unfair it is that people get to be happy, and yet I have to live in such despair. I'm back isolating myself away in the bedroom as seeing people happy fills me with such sadness.

Why wasn't I allowed to be happy? Why wasn't I chosen to be one of the happy ones?.....is it so they can see me and feel even better about themselves??

I am just sliding further and further down.....I wish it would stop

[Zaf]

I guess anyone with a debilitating illness could say the same

Z x

[staralfur]

Yes I'm sure they could. Don't think for a second that I think its just me....its precisely why I joined this so there were like minded others.

I was merely trying to sound off about my own personal feelings because since as far back as I can remember I have always thought and believed 'i deserve this....'

I know I deserve it, and I know this is my lot in life....I was just wishing it was different rather than accepting it as I do every single day.

[Zaf]

Why do you think you deserve this?

I know what you mean though, I had my first breakdown in the early 90's and in hindsight suffered well before then, I really wish I could have a lasting period of good health

Z x

[CharleysAngel']

You don't deserve this, nobody does. I know what you mean, I often wish is wasn't me and it really hurts to see other people happy sometimes. I hope things start to look up for you a bit soon xx

[mrmoody]

I know what you mean, I hate seeing people out right now in the sunny weather, in groups, having fun. Maybe they arent, maybe they just hide it better, put on fake smiles and pretend. maybe as my mate George says they are really morons who pretend. anyways you dont deserve this, if that was the case then why arent all bad people in the world suffering?

[Beetzart]

You certainly don't deserve it.  None of us do.  Just look around this board; all strangers, I assume, yet we are all kind to each other, and try to understand each other's problems.  Yet if I was to go down the road and pop in the supermarket, surrounded by dozens of people who might as well be from another planet.  Well infact people from another planet might be quite interesting to talk to; bad analogy but you know what I mean.

[staralfur]

Sorry for not replying sooner, I try to hide this from my partner. She knows I am suffering with depression, she knows my history in full....but she is also suffering PND and I don't want to overload her with my problems, I just need to be there to help her.

It is because I have lived with being an 'outcast' since before my earliest memories that the problem must be me.....I don't fit in in life so therefore I'm the problem...thats why I deserve it. If I was 'normal' I wouldn't suffer so much, I wouldn't have attempted suicide.

As we all know, the sadness can be overwhemlming.

I am at work now, I just wish I was at home

Thank you for all for listening, I know you are all suffering too so I really appreciate everyone's words

[Zaf]

I often wish I was 'normal'  I've never really fitted in with other people as long as I can remember

Z xx

[staralfur]

My psychologist discovered that my childhood was spent trying to be what my family thought I should be....I have been fighting 'normality' for so long that it messed me up completely. Hence why I ended up in a mentally abusive marriage...I was an easy target.

I just hope I can be 'me' at some point

[Zaf]

that was the conclusion my counselor and I came to as well, fortunately my marriage is a good one but I still feel like two different people a lot of the time, finding the true me is going to take some time but I'm working on it

[staralfur]

I really hope you get there. It's as I was told I am inside me somewhere, and I am trying to get out and be me....it's just hard passing the years of issues and anxieties.

I'm glad you have a good marriage too, that is a really good support to have. I am in a great relationship too now, it's just upsetting as she has PND and it's not nice when she has a bad day. I wish I was in a better position myself to help her more, but it's a twisted situation. Her depression and anxieties play directly against mine. Its really tough.

You are in there, and you will find yourself...I just hope it's really soon for you

[Zaf]

thanks staralfur, I hope you do too.

My counsellor gave me a couple of nice images to work with, one was that I am a butterfly about to hatch from the cocoon and the other was that the old me was like a potato that had been put in a cupboard and had grown all weird and twisted (which they do if you dont plant them) and when I am planted in good conditions I will start to flourish - some things I try to hold on to when I'm feeling the old me is overwhelming

[staralfur]

That's really nice.

The potato analogy has actually brought a tear to my eye...it's filled me with a hopeful sadness...if that makes sense!

I think I'm going to keep hold of that one for when I need a little bit of a push...(every day at the moment)

[Zaf]

I hope they help you as much as they did me,  I think of them when I feel I'm reverting too much to the old me and its smothering how I should be

Z x