Hi,
My first post will be a long one, I apologize.
I have been suffering on and off with depression for 10 years since I was 16. I didn't have a good childhood, I was in hospital alot as a child which led to having operations which cured my condition. Through this I never made any proper relationships or formed social skills that children do, I had one friend that then went on to bullying me and the teachers never believed me. The teachers said that I was bullying three girls and that I had poor social skills, that I was odd, this was through my teen years. I would then be by myself at break times and subsequently I hated school. One group of girls would let me hang out with them but only on their terms and on certain days. I began to see friendships as something that I should avoid at all costs as they would only end up hurting me etc.
When I was 16 I was ***** I had a miscarriage, which at the time was a relief, he or she would be 9 now. Even then I had the teachers saying that I had made it up, not one of them asked me if I was ok. I went to the police and then it was decided that there was insufficient evidence and I never got any help, never offered any counseling, nothing. I did the unhealthy thing and pushed it back in my mind. I quit 6th form and used internet chat sites, as noone could see me and everyone accepted me, I met my future girlfriend on one, we have been together for 8 Years now.
I started to hang out with the wrong crowd and started taking drugs and then my parents divorced. My dad was physically and mentally abusive towards us during this time. I attempted to commit suicide, my dad was abusive towards me on the way to hospital. I received counseling, but had to stop it half way through as my councilor left and I didn't want the hassle to start again, so I left it. Life went on, my mum found a new partner who turned out to be an alcoholic who basically was the same as my dad, police was involved.
My mum was diagnosed as having severe depression too. There is more of my story but It will be too long of a post.
I am currently not in work at the moment, I have been seeking work, but now I may face a sanction and everything seems to be getting on top of me at the moment, constantly feeling low, tearful and having negative thoughts and I can't seem to shake it. I want to sort myself out once and for all as I know I shouldn't be thinking like this. I want to have friends instead of feeling suspicious about everyone and thinking they will hurt me. I want to get better before I find myself a job which I know I will bury these feelings again.
