Please help me

[pinkcasi]

I feel like im dead, like you know like you dont exist like your there but a little bit see through you know, just floating about not really having any impact on anything.

I took a sleeping pill latt night just the one as i knew i wouldn't sleep despite being physically exhausted from a day of anxiety, by brain just wouldn't quit so i popped a pill, but these just make me over sleep and ensure im drowsy all day, they make everything i drink taste like metal

I know it's all just a symptom of something else i know i feel this way because of the sleeping pill and i know i'll feel better when the cit finally kicks in (just upped my dosage) but seriously just now i dont care, i dont want any of it, i dont want to be waiting for an 'alright' day in amongst the crappy ones, and i dont want to spend the rest of my life on anti depressants or just waiting for the next breakdown, all my life i've been dealing with this and im tired, so very tired, i know i have people that love me my boyfriend adores me tho god knows why i only ever give him grief,and am so hard to live with, im sure it'll not be long before he cant cope either.  I just cant do it anymore im tired so tired.
Im self harming again angthat just makes me feel like a total loser but i can't help it really i cant.

I just feel like im living my life in a bubble, you all know how it is everything is a blur, a bit hazy and there is no way out

[Zaf]

Its very very common to feel like that, hang in there till the meds kick in

Z xx

[pinkcasi]

I cant, i was on cit for over a year and still had bad days but they were bearable i guess, I came off the meds for only a few weeks and now i feel like im back to square 1! im in the same position if not worse than i was a year ago, so whats' the point, what was that year for what a waste of time, it's not changed anything, nothing at all, im tired of having to fake it, im tired of having people say oh what's wrong with you everytime im quiet at work, im just tired of it all.
I want to go to the Dr but i know there's nothing they can do, just tell me to wait for the meds to kick in, i want ot not be at work but if i go off sick i'll go on to level 2 discipline, i dont have any time off due, and i just dont know what to do, I have tomorrow off at least as were on strike but then im back to square 1 on Fri.

[Buttercup]

Hi

It still might be worth going back to the GP and seeing if they can give you a different antidepressant, I have never taken cit, I was on Fluoxetine (prozac) for a while and I know that that is suppose to give you more energy.

If your doctor signs you off, could your work still put you discipline ?

I've been there in that bubble and I know how you feel, but I pulled out, it took time and a fairly  high dose of fluoxetine but take hope that it is possible.

Buttercup xxx

[Zaf]

If you feel that bad I would urge you to go back to your GP and tell him/her how bad you're feeling

Z xx

[pinkcasi]

But i keep thinking tomorrow might be better, i do need to ride it out dont i.  I hate going to the Dr's i always see a different one and no one of them now me or my story, i always try and be really positive and like idiots they buy it, i hope when i do go that it's a bad day just so they can see, i really dont like talking about it face to face it make me feel weak and pathetic, 33 years old, have a full time job own my own house, have a boyfriend that loves me (so far) my life should be wonderful, the flip side is im 33 have no kids, have my own mortgage that cant afford, a crappy job that i hate a boyfriend who i know will get tired of all this eventully and a family who think im attention seeking.
What story would you want to tell to a stranger.
I dont know what would happen if i got signed off in theory yes but there are certin rules about mental health so i dont know, im not sure how much longer i can care for, i just think a few more weeks till the pills kick in proper if i didn't have to worry abut coming to work that would be grand.
if i switch pills now im back to square 1 aren't i, id have to wait for the new ones to kick in.

If i can just make it through today im off work tomorrow glory be.

[KateG]

Hang in there &*(

[pinkcasi]

Ok so i just sent my manager an email, sh's knows what's going on and i explained that im really struggling and was considering going to the dr and getting signed off, just until the meds kick in (if they ever do!) and what did she say..... she sent me a link to our work counselling service, gee thanks tha'ts helpful why didn't i think of that, it's their answer to everything, my last manager did the same thing, i dont need counselling been there done that total waste of time, i dont need to talk things through i just need drugs that work!!!
Shedidn't even answere my concerns about if i go off sick will i get fired though im dangerously close to not caring at all, in between the worry about my health and the worry about the house and money and what not and the thoughts of self loathing, self harm and just topping myself my brain doesn't have room to worry about work!

[Sweetpea]

 &*( for you.

S x x x

[travis1411]

I think you are suffering from serious depression. I would suggest you to first relax. Think about yourself. Make some good friends. Take deep breath and do yoga and exercise whenever you get time. You can watch movies or read books.  Be yourself. All the best.

[pinkcasi]

Thanks guys, i feel a little better today, not much but by my standards it's good, i feel really anxious today again but im doing a good job of 'faking it' so no one knows, this morning when i said that yeaterday i slept till 5pm and im still so tired, a work colleague said 'tiredness is a symptom of depression, could it be that' i wa like urm...aa... well....ummm moving on, jeez i thought i was doing a better job of hiding it.
I shall be going back to see the dr next week i think if i last that long

[Zaf]

It could be that your friend has suffered from depression, its often quite easy to recognise a fellw sufferer

Good to hear you feel an improvement today :)

[Sweetpea]

Glad you are feeling a bit better today.  I agree with Zaf this person has maybe suffered or has someone close to them suffer with depression.

S x x