I should be happy, why cant i be

[Amanda]

If anyone looked at my life as an outsider there is no reason to think i would ever be unhappy, no one sees what goes on behind closed doors or how alone it feels to be in my world, everyone around me has there own purpose and i dont seem to fit in anywhere, only good for keeping everyone else happy when inside i feel like crying. There is no fun anymore, no smiles or laughing, i'm tired of everything but noone wants to understand or least of all care. Alone in a room full of people, i dont want to feel this way anymore

[Zaf]

I think many of us could have written that Amanda, have you seen your doctor about how you feel?

Z x

[Sweetpea]

I understand Amanda, during my first marriage it looked like we had everything, but behind closed doors it was a nightmare (not saying your marriage is the same) what I am saying is that people do not understand what goes on.

 &*(

S x x

[Amanda]

Have seen my GP but was a while ago, he made me feel like the most selfish and ungrateful person walking on the planet, such a failure, sent me off with a prescription. Not going to repeat that experience again in my lifetime

[Zaf]

Thats dreadful, I would suggest you change your GP, most of the ones I've been to when depressed have been fantastic.

If you are dead set against seeing a doctor have you thought about counselling?

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

Thats terrible.  Is there another gp you can see.  You should not be treated this way.

S x x

[Amanda]

I have thought about counselling, working full time with 2 kids and not a very supportive husband i dont know where i could actually fit it in, i dont want anyone to know, least of all my kids if i had to have them looked after, too many questions would be asked and i think that would be worse maybe. I feel kind of trapped and suffocated but dont know how to be proactive and make it better, if everyone else is happy then generally my life is calmer, its the feeling so alone i cant deal with, feeling used and worthless but i have responsibilities and i want them to look back at a happy childhood not a troubled one, i bought them into the world i have to make it work, or at least make it look that way.

[Zaf]

I really only can suggest you try to see a different GP

Z xxx

[Amanda]

maybe just not cut out for this whole human race thing

[Buttercup]

Course you're cut out for it, you're just in a really bad place.

Like the others I would try another GP.

The children will love you whatever, don't worry. I think the hardest part is telling people, I didn't want to but was forced to as my doctor stopped me working and actually it wasn't as bad as I had imagined.

Hang in there, things will get better. Xxx

[Amanda]

today im in a really bad place and im scared, dont know whether to run jump or hide, spent most of today in tears for no good reason, half of me has had enough and wanrs to bail, would be so easy and the rational half is telling me how stupid i am, this feeling is scary and i dont know what to do with myself, no one to talk to here, never anyone to talk to here, its just really scary and i dont like how it feels 

[Zaf]

I would urge you to phone the samaritans or your out of hours doctor

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

 &*( Amanda, I agree with Zaf.

S x x x x

[Micky]

Thought I'd better log back in and reply to this.

Don't worry about the kids. My sister is an alcoholic and we're all trying to help but as much as it might be affecting my nephew, (he's eleven), he loves his mum to bits. Kids are very resilient and as long as they are fed, watered and know they are loved they can withstand a lot of stuff going on. My mother had a lot of problems and as I was growing up I had issues with this but I never stopped loving her and as an adult I understand why she acted the way she did.

I understand this so much. I may not have kids but I do have family that relies on me, not just my sister. I often feel like bailing out but it's knowing how they'd suffer that keeps me from doing so. I have so many friends who have suffered with depression but often I still feel alone.

Just keep venting on here and realise that what you are feeling is natural for someone who is depressed. Keep working on finding the best meds for you and hang on in.

 

[zeemiller]

reading a book written by someone who has or is suffering from depression helps a lot and gives u a path to slowly follow when times are at there worse.