Hi all,
I am a 27 year old girl living in Stratford Upon Avon, Warwickshire, although I'm originally from Newcastle where my parents still live.
I live with my boyfriend of nearly 7 years, we were engaged to be married, had a date (July 2011), a dress, a venue etc but then in Summer 2010 I cancelled it. I never really felt ready to marry my boyfriend and although we are still together, we are together in name only. We don't have sex or any intimacy at all. We get on well but to all intents and purposes we are just very good friends who share a bed. We have a house together and a mortgage so it's very tricky. Last year I gave up my full time teaching job after 3 years of bullying by my head teacher, I now run my own children's yoga business which is going well and teach part time in a lovely village school.
I suppose I should start at the beginning. Before I went to university in 2004 I had a boyfriend called Paul. He was my first love and we had been childhood friends before getting together. He was always possessive but I had never experienced a relationship before and thought this was how it should be. When I went to university in Warwick this got worse, he would check up on me, text me and phone me constantly and became suspicious of my every action. I decided to break up with him but he wouldn't accept it, eventually, in summer 2005 (after we had 'broken up') he forced himself upon me in an attempt to get back with me, unsurprisingly it didn't work but he left me, saying that I would never find anyone and it would never work out with anyone else.
I fell right in with my current boyfriend, Jo, that September when I returned to university, we had met in first year and he had looked after me, making me dinners (as I wasn't eating due to the stress put on me by Paul) and I think, because he showed me he cared we got together even though I wasn't sure I really fancied him, he was safe. And like many of these things we just stayed together, graduated, got jobs, a flat and now a house. We moved together to Stratford in 2008 and have been there ever since.
Problem is, at my first school I met a colleague (William) who I clicked with straight away. He has a wife (Maria) and us four started to socialise together, when we left our flat and had a few months before we could move into our house, Jo and I moved in with William and Maria for four months. We became very close as a foursome and after we moved into our house in December 2009 we stayed close. On holiday in Easter 2010, all four of us went on holiday to Rome. During one of our days out, Jo and Maria were walking ahead and William and I got talking, we spoke about our relationships and it materialized that neither us were 100% happy in our relationships, we both felt we had 'made do' and William told me about how he only got married as he felt it was expected of him but he was unhappy and felt he had 'settled'. One evening, William and I arranged to organise a secret tour of Rome for Maria and Jo who had done most of the organising and, alone in the room together, we almost kissed. We didn't but we were left very shaken as it had not happened to us for a long time. We tried to say 'what happens in Rome stays in Rome' but as I'm sure you can imagine, when we got back from Rome the first evening we spent all together, we were drinking and after Jo and Maria had gone upstairs, William and I kissed passionately. It felt completely natural.
So, fast forward two years and William is still with Maria and I am still with Jo. But we still have feelings for each other, we hold hands whenever we can and we have continued our physical relationship but we have not slept together. I would say we are mostly guilty of committing emotional infidelity. We are closest of friends and love each other so much. William has told me he can never leave Maria though, he said that two years he was going through a bad patch but things have got better and although he always tells me that if he had met me first then things would be different, it hardly helps. Yesterday he told me Maria has asked him to start trying for a family. He doesn't want kids yet, but I know Maria wants them soon and as she knows nothing of William's marriage doubts she can't see why he won't oblige! He has said he wants kids and as he's in this position at the moment he knows he will have to have them with Maria who he does love as they have been through a lot together.
This scares me so much. He is so very torn and tells me how much I mean to him and wishes things were different but cannot change things. He knows I am unhappy with Jo but has asked me to stay in Stratford as he will need my support if and when Maria gets pregnant. Thing is, I have nothing holding me here and however horrible it sounds, I don't think I could bear to see William, Maria and their baby everyday, knowing what I know and having gone through what I've been through. I think it's just too much of William to ask of me after he has, in my opinion, used me to help him get through a bad patch and now is more settled can swan off back to his wife and his perfect life, leaving me with nothing.
Oh God, it's horrible. I am receiving counselling for my issues resulting from my first relationship but I can't discuss this with someone face to face.
I am thinking of taking my life, but I am so scared to do so but I can't think of any other way out.
Please help.
