Very low self esteem, anxiety, self hating

[Tom66]

Hi, i dont really like the fact im posting on here but I guess its good to get things out a little... I apologise if this seems long winded!

I am 24 year old physically fit/healthy male, with a loving family and girlfriend of 2 years, and a small group of close friends. I have a good job, did well at school and am generally bright, i think. I have hobbies including mountain bike racing and converting my VW van into a camper.

Through my teenage years up till about 21 I was a very depressed person for years, I went through some really dark stages, constantly depressed and suicidal feeling and only spoke to my mum about it when I was 20. The reason I figured I was depressed was my fear of being alone. All through high school I had barely any interaction with girls and i had resigned myself to the fact I was gonna be alone forever. I had my heart broken when i was 18 and it took me 2 years to get over that. Things picked up slightly when drunkenly I lost my virginity at 21! I felt like i 'fitted' in a bit more because of it and my confidence grew slightly...
I met my girlfriend when i was 22 and tbh things suddenly got waaay better. I was happy  :)

Back to two years ago, I had what I thought was some sort of heart attack when driving back from France racing my bike. It really scared me and since then I keep getting weird heart palpitations and head-rushes every now and again. After a recent bad episode of this I went to a GP who told me they are panic attacks, not brought on by anything inparticular. So I have accepted that I may be prone to panic attacks.

Recently (last 6 months), my self esteem suddenly seems to have dropped reeallly low, I have always been one to beat myself up over small things, but recently I have been really hard on myself. I seem to make a lot of mistake. I feel like I fail at everything, I am crap at my job, crap at everything. People hate me or think very little of me and I am ugly and uninteresting. My girlfriend tells me I am the complete opposite of all this, and I know deep down that she's probably right. But then I beat myself up for not allowing myself to believe her. Then I tell myself how stupid I am for this, what a total and utter d**khead I am, then the cycle continues. Basically I am starting to hate myself. I have arguments with my family, my brother winds me up over my short temper, and I go away hating myself over it.
I want to be someone else, even though on paper I am very well off.

I often think about my future life and worry, and sometimes worry that if something went drastically wrong or out of control I wouldnt cope and eventually resort to suicide.

Rarely am i feeling content with anything, then I kick myself because I know i should.

I just can't bring myself to 'like' myself. If I ever get to the point of feeling relatively confident, I eventually just feel like I'm being cocky or arrogant, even if im not.
Couple this with my constant, although mostly mild physical nervousness which can sometimes escalates into panic attacks, and I feel pretty crap to be honest.  I dont really know what to do with myself, my mental state just feels messed up I feel so selfish and I hate myself because of it.

Maybe just writing it down here might help slightly. Thanks if you got this far reading it!

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome

Zxx

Are you currently seeing your doctor about your feelings?

[Tom66]

Hi, no i'm not. I have been to the doctor recently when i was diagnosed with having a mild panic/anxiety disorder. I want to avoid the GP if i can and try get myself out of the mess, like I have done before. However i dont think I ever managed to fully shake off my severe depression from my teen years. I'm afraid i never will and that its just built into my personality.

[Zaf]

Personally I find medication combined with counselling works best for me when I have episodes of depression but we are all different, I know when we're depressed we dont have the oomph to tackle finding ways of helping ourselves to get better but getting on meds can often give us a good start along that road.  If you want to avoid your doctor have you considered getting some sort of counselling?

Z xx

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome,

I think it may be a good idea to have a chat with your dr about how you are feeling and maybe consider some counselling to help you understand and cope with these feelings.

S x

[Tom66]

Thank you very much for the replies  :)

I do feel awful for the very fact I can't find a REASON I feel down. Especially after reading some other threads from some poor folk on here.

I do need to try to get myself to like myself, I think this may solve issues like my self esteem and happiness, and make me more confident in my abilities in everything. Maybe councelling could help me find out how to do this?

[Zaf]

Its possible counselling would help you find a reason, my last course of counselling helped me a huge amount to identify the causes of my recurrent depression and I believe has helped me on the road to recovery much quicker than on previous occasions

Z x

[Sweetpea]

I am having my counselling through MIND and it has helped me so much, she has not tried to change me but helped me to see why I am like I am and why I feel about things as I do (hope that makes sense).  It has been so good for me, I was quite sceptical and only went as my dr advised it.  But I am very glad I did.

S x

[KateG]

Hi and welcome

[mamalou]

Hi there,

I was reading your post and just thinking that you come accross as though you appear to be feeling ungrateful for what you have got. But I think that depression & anxiety affect our way we view things. Especially putting a negative slant on everything and contantly finding the worst in ourselves. You are NOT being ungrateful by feeling low and anxious.

Please try to see your GP ( I know the others said this too) as I spent many years running as far away as possible from my GP and when I finally let myself be as poorly as I really was, I began a journey of looking at how and why.  I am still in the bog but have every mental health professional available trying to help me find my way through!!

Hang in there.

[Beetzart]

Hi Tom

So much in your post mirrors a lot of my life.  During my time at secondary school (7 years) I had a one 10 minute meaningful conversation with a girl and that was it.  I am also crap at my job and may never go back.  I do agree with others though that you should consider seeing your GP.  It has taken me years to find a good combination of meds that finally work, it was a hard struggle and can sap everything you have but it is the best option that I can think of.

Depression has ruined my life but I am trying to beat it.  Self hate is a symptom of depression, I get it all the time along with guilt, regret, ruefullness, panic, etc. 

I can't really say much more at the moment apart from I understand what you are going through.