I have an appointment to see a doc tom to discuss AD's. Whether I should take them and if so which ones. I have already been on and off at least 3 (possibly 4 cannot remember) already. I have to fill out a BDI - II form. I have already done this several times over the last few years and I strugle every time with filling them out. It's based on the last 2 weeks and the idea is to measure how depressed I am. My main problem is I find it really hard to be objective about how I feel, particularly the severity of the feeling. I do not remember what happy is when I am down and when I am feeling happy I do not remember what the down was like.
For example, Mon and Tue if I had filled in out I would have problably come out as severely depressed, crying, feeling massively guilty, hating myself, not wanting to eat, sooo tired, angry, suicudal thoughts. If I had filled it out on Thur I am not sure I would even classify as depressed. I was positive, very few if any negative thoughts, humming along to the radio, I baked cakes, went to tesco, sat on the beach, went to see a friend. By 4pm I was absolutely shattered, but I did not feel depressed. Yesterday, I found it quite hard to get motivated, but I did some cooking in the afternoon and read some of my book, and looked for jobs, and did not feel quite so tired. I did get the beginnings of a panic attack when I tried to sleep and had to have the radio on. I woke up at 4am with the radio still on. Today, I have spent all day in bed and feel very anxious and know I should be doing something but there is nothing I actually want to do and I cannot bring myself to do anything other than post here and watch TV. I cannot remember last week at all even when I try, except that I was massively tired all the time, no matter how much I did or did not sleep.
How do I put this down on a form?
In the past 2 months, I was numb for 3 or 4 weeks, where everything bounced off and I was sleeping a lot and not really caring, no motivation ect. I did not even notice until my CBT pych pointed out that I was not being very productive during our sessions and seemed to be finding it hard to find things to say. Then that just switched off, I woke up full of nervous energy, running around doing everything at once, talking too much, loads of paranoia and the constant urge to laugh. Then I had a week of massive mood swings where one hour I was up the next down. Whereas I often oversleep (sometimes massively) and find it hard to get up, recently I have been waking early and finding it very hard to sleep, weird dreams ect.
When I have a good day I think there is nothing wrong with me and I am making it all up to avoid dealing with my life and the guilt of that thought torments me. When I have a bad day I just want to go back to having a good day. The only consistent "symptom" I have is that I hate myself, sometimes more than others, but always that feeling of self-loathing.
This afternoon I feel like I need the AD's to help stop the constant whirling of my thoughts. This morning I felt like I was Ok, that I could cope on my own with the bad days and that in the main I was creating the symptoms. If I fill the form out when I am having a bad day, it will colour all of my answers negatively, if I fill it out on a good day it will colour all my answers positively, so what is the honest truth?
