At the brink...

[StrugglingOn]

Hi all
I have spent a long time reading your posts - but I feel that in order to really benefit, I need to share some of my experiences....
I am currently at a very low ebb and struggling to pull back from the brink after seven years of difficulties involving first my (then) husband, then children! A traumatic divorce and now the breakup with a long term partner. Too much to go through - but I'm haunted by the common thread of the lying.....
I have trusted both men and then discovered abruptly that things were not as they seemed. I feel a fool for being so trusting and utterly alone - my friends have had enough and have taken a step back and I have to admit that I don't blame them. If I look back harshly, I see that they have advised me many times and I perhaps have not really listened....
I suffered serious depression 25 years ago - which resulted in 10 weeks inpatient care and a long road to recovery. Since then I have tried to be a very strong and positive person, always quick to take responsibility and not allow myself to slip down to the depths again. But now it has happened - a very stressful new job has sapped my energy and now I am alone. I know that I need to see my GP as soon as poss - but am afraid that I may not be brave enough to follow through.
Perhaps even just the act of acknowledging that in writing will help?
Thanks for reading this x

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome, its never easy to go to your GP when depression hits but its one of the essentials to get back on the road to recevery.

Z xx

[Ezel]

 .>,

[Sweetpea]

Hello and  .>, to the forum,

Maybe if you wrote your feelings and fears down and took this with you when you decide to visit your gp.  Its very hrad to get all your feelings out when in the dr's room, I know all I did was cry and couldn't speak.

S x

[KateG]

Hi and welcome, seeing your GP is the first step, but this forum helps me so much

[StrugglingOn]

Thank you for all your kind words - I know exactly what you mean tho.... I will start talking and dissolve into floods of tears almost immediately.  Am dreading going back to work - not sure if I can cope.

My job requires a certain amount of resilience that I just don't think I can muster at the moment - but I can't bear to think of letting people down and so push myself into more and more stress. I keep thinking that this has contributed to split with my partner - and am tortured by thoughts of 'if only I had done this or not done that' then things would be different.

[Sweetpea]

You need time to heal, so rushing back to work is not good.  I think most of us here worry about letting others down, and push ourselves.  Think this is normal for people with depression, we tend to put others before ourselves.

 &*( for you.

S x

[Zaf]

Shaz is right, working while ill with depression is often very counter productive.  If you're wkrried about seeing your GP write things down before you go

Z xx

[StrugglingOn]

My rational brain tells me that is true - but guilt about letting people down keeps me pushing on 

I just can't stop going over and over everything in my mind - wishing and wondering if I had done things differently..... Partner was very depressed and I was so busy persuading him to get help, that I missed my own gradual decline and ended up retreating into myself.

Just want a little peace - to stop the whirling thoughts. Try to keep busy - but sometimes fail.

[Zaf]

Its a very usual way to feel when we are depressed

Z x

[Sweetpea]

These are very normal feelings, try not to be to hard on yourself.

S x

[StrugglingOn]

Thank you everyone - just to have some human contact has helped a little :-)